Culture

Three ‘7:30’ Interviews That Will Make You Miss The Hell Out Of Sarah Ferguson

She almost made Joe Hockey cry.

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ABC journo and complete boss Sarah Ferguson will do her last show as the host of 7:30 tonight, with regular host Leigh Sales coming back to the chair from her maternity leave and Ferguson leaving to start a one-woman breakaway republic on a boat that she fucking dares anyone to trespass on.

Ferguson’s only been in the chair for six months, and was only ever there as a fill-in, but in that time she’s taken a blowtorch to more politicians and general gronks than some kind of welder-cum-serial killer (metaphors). Three of those interviews, with some of the nation’s most powerful overgrown private-school boys, will shine on in the firmament as beacons of journalistic rigour and living, breathing proof that middle-aged men in suits aren’t nearly as clever as they think they are.

The Time She Picked Her Teeth With Joe Hockey

“Mr Hockey, is it liberating for a politician to decide election promises don’t matter?”

Hello! Welcome to the show! You’re a bit shit, aren’t you?

Joe Hockey’s first post-budget interview is already legendarily bad, partly because he’s trying to pass an old college photo of him and the boys whaling on a homeless person off as a federal budget, but also because he’s clearly as nervous as someone going for their red Ps in a monster truck.

It takes under five seconds for Ferguson to leave one of Australia’s most powerful people in a puddled mess on the floor of the studio for some long-suffering intern to clean up, and it only gets worse when he tries to reword the phrase “new taxes” into something that sounds like it wasn’t inspired by the Dickensian Workhouse School of Economics.

The Time She Showed Christopher Pyne Up As A Whiny Brat

Back in May, Ferguson tried to get Education Minister Christopher Pyne to explain why the Commonwealth was cutting $80 billion worth of health and education funding to the states over ten years, but some soccer-mum forgot to lock the Range Rover properly and their brat of a trust-fund kid wandered into the ABC studios, so she interviewed that little bastard instead.

The best part happens about three and a half minutes in, when said weird-headed child uses the phrase “blue-sky promises” for the umpteenth time and responds to being called out on it with the verbal equivalent of sticking your tongue out and going “nyeeeeeer!”

Another highlight comes at six minutes flat, when Pyne literally ‘answers’ a question by saying “I’m the Federal Minister for Education” and smiling like Ja’mie from Summer Heights High.

Besides her skills as an interviewer and a journalist, Ferguson deserves the 2015 Australian of the Year gong for somehow restraining herself from punching Pyne in the fucking face.

Tony Abbott Stuffs Up In An Interview #327

Tony Abbott historically performs about as well in interviews as Eric the Eel in a surf lifesaving contest, but he usually manages to bumble through unless someone goes to the trouble of listening to his answers and following them up with slightly harder questions.

Which brings us here. The day the carbon tax was repealed should’ve been the single best day of the Abbott Prime Ministership so far (for him anyway), but he only had about four hours to bask in the glory of screwing over everyone under thirty-five before going on 7:30 and being gently reminded that he falls apart when questioned by fifteen-year-old schoolgirls, let alone a seasoned journalist who takes no shit. The whole thing’s a trainwreck, but skip to 3:50 to watch the sitting Prime Minister of Australia have the concept of election promises explained to him as though he’s five.

Legend tells that, come the day of England’s greatest peril, Sarah Ferguson will awaken from her mountain tomb and come to the kingdom’s aid, lifting the Shield of Truth and wielding the Sword of Burning Insights to drive the gronk invasion from our fair land. Tremble, O ye gronks!

Feature image via YouTube/ABC.