The Top Eight Coalition Politicians Who Look Like Giant Overgrown Babies
This isn't even all of them.
The government has a lot to answer for; it got rid of Australia’s only carbon-reduction policy, it introduced a shitload of vindictive and unfair measures to combat a budget emergency that doesn’t exist, and I’m still pretty het up over that sweet rave party they threw on the weekend without inviting me.
All that has been covered extensively on Junkee and elsewhere, but there’s something more viscerally disturbing about the current government that I haven’t been able to shake. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it until this morning, when The Onion posted this stellar video playing on the fact that young conservative people often weirdly look like prematurely old people.
Then it hit me; a disturbing number of government ministers look for all the world like giant, gross, overgrown babies. Like, babies that were born as babies and grew bigger, but somehow didn’t grow older? Or up? Just giant, weird-lookin’ babies. And it’s not right.
Don’t believe me? Have a geez at the “Our Team” section of the Liberal Party’s website; besides being one of the world’s largest known cockforest plantations and being whiter than a Sufjan Stevens concert in the snow, the sheer number of pudgy, shiny-faced, outsized babies in blue ties is staggering.
In the national interest, and because it is very, very funny, I went through the Liberal Party website’s photos of each and every federal Coalition politician to find the ones that look the most like big old babies in office attire, and ranked them in an arbitrary order of my choosing. Here are the findings.
#8: Ross Vasta, Member for Bonner
First elected to his eastern Brisbane seat in 2004, 47-year-old Vasta’s round head, puppy-fat and unsettling smile make him a must-include in this list and a good starting-off point. Look how soft his skin looks; his cheeks look like doughy little clouds. Would he giggle if you poked them, like the Pillsbury Doughboy? There’s a task for you, Canberra Press Gallery.
Here he is with the Prime Minister (source), stooping awkwardly the way girls in heels do when they’re part of a big group selfie.
#7: Craig Laundy, Member for Reid
With his little freckles and spiked-up hair, Craig sort of looks like the bully character in all those kids’ movies from the ’80s. When he’s not representing the hardworking families of Reid, Craig likes to spend his time giving people dead-arms, calling you ‘dweeb’ and stealing your bike.
Here he is at a press conference with Prime Minister Tony Abbott (source), gazing at his leader with tender, love-filled eyes as violins swell in the background.
#6: Luke Howarth, Member for Petrie
This is the saddest man I have ever seen. Look into those baby-blue eyes. Do you see the sadness there? There is no joy in that smile. Luke Howarth takes no joy from anything; not from the pinkness of his skin, nor the toddler-fresh smoothness of his forehead. As the photographer waves a puppet above the camera to gain his attention, Luke smiles sadly, as he knows he must.
All his photos are like this. Have you ever seen a man look so distraught while holding a pie as Luke Howarth does here (source)? With the little soiled napkin peeking out of his pocket? He’s so bereft he hasn’t even noticed the horrifying bug-eyed orange-beast that is about to devour the world behind him.
Luke just knows he is sad. He has a pie, and he is sad.
#5: George Christensen, Member for Dawson
With his hip-guy glasses and confident smirk, George looks like he could be one of the smart babies from the 1999 classic Baby Geniuses, starring Kathleen Turner and Christopher Lloyd. Imagine a tiny George in a little lab coat and goggles, and you get the idea.
Failing that, here he is awkwardly cupping a giant mango’s butt.
#4: Alex Hawke, Member for Mitchell
This is an evil-ass looking baby right here. Alex Hawke is a former president of both the NSW state and national Young Liberals and an opponent of an equal age of sexual consent for gay people for some fucking reason, and does a stellar job of looking exactly like the kind of small child you’d expect to get possessed by an ancient Babylonian demon in a B-grade horror flick.
Chubby cheeks? Check. Disturbingly symmetrical features? Check. But it’s all in the eyes. Those squinty, empty little eyes.
There is nothing behind those eyes. Only death. (Source.)
#3: Jamie Briggs, Member for Mayo
How disappointed would you be if this was your baby? After hours of excruciating labour and nine months of hope, fear, expectation and upheaval, this was all you had to show for it? The only thing this baby has to show for itself is a head almost perfectly shaped like a running track and a smooth, featureless plane where a chin would normally be. This is a dull baby. There is nothing to like about this baby. This baby sucks.
Here he is meeting US Secretary of Transport Anthony Foxx (source), and somehow just not standing right. I don’t know how you’re standing wrong, baby, but stop it.
#2: Wyatt Roy, Member for Longman
Now, in fairness, Wyatt Roy is only 24; he was elected in 2010 at the tender age of twenty, making him the youngest person to ever be elected to an Australian parliament, and that should be taken into account when examining his baby-like features. Perhaps as he gets older his face will adultify; anything is possible.
Nonetheless, the clear correlation between being a conservative politician and having a gross old-baby face that we have established sadly suggests Roy’s future is bleak indeed. Here he is going to work with his Dad, in happier times (source).
#1: Peter Dutton, Member for Dickson And Minister for Health
Seriously? What the fuck is going on here? This guy looks like he fell off a soap ad from the 1920s. He looks like a minor villain from the Care Bears TV show who goes around stealing marshmallows or something. I wouldn’t trust this guy to sit in a car without a booster seat, let alone run the Department of Health.
Look at him (source). Just really look at this Soviet-era bobblehead doll and try not to fall through the Gates of Madness.