TV

All The Heterosexual Nonsense I Was Forced To Endure During ‘The Bachelorette’ Episode 9

Another episode of the show we all love to sort of tolerate twice a week.

Welcome to our Wednesday Recap of The Bachelorette — you can read last week’s recap from Thursday here. We’ll be recapping every episode, because we are very passionate about love or TV or whatever.


Oh hi! That’s right, it’s me again, your friendly homosexual recapper!

So much has happened since I was here last. Yesterday was the Melbourne Cup, and didn’t we all love it. The Melbourne Cup is very similar to The Bachelorette, if you think about it. There’s a big race to compete in, everyone guesses who will win, people argue about it if it’s cruel or not, and then heterosexuals get dressed up fancy and show off the very worst of their terrible behaviours!

The Bachelorette tries to decide between two bin men.

But now, you and I are back together and ready to take on another episode of the show we all love to sort of tolerate twice a week.

Now that I think about it, putting this show on twice a week is really asking a lot. I don’t spend time with people I actually like two times a week. But here I am dedicating my evenings to men I would otherwise travel underneath the city in sewers to avoid.

Speaking of, last episode we said goodbye to Paddy, the horniest Englishman since Austin Powers. If you find yourself missing Paddy from here on in, simply say the word ‘fit’ over and over again while looking at this gif:

You’re welcome.

We also said goodbye to Dan, the nice man with cute eyebrows who carried a lamb in the first episode? I wonder what that lamb is doing now. I hope it found love.

Anyway, finding out who wins The Bachelorette is important, but equally important is acknowledging that we started this season with no less than 25 men named a variation of Daniel, and now there is only one left! Who would have ever guessed that the strongest Daniel, the ultimate Daniel, the Last Dan Standing, would be this guy? Not me!

Whomst.

Now, I know what you’re thinking “Wait sorry, who is that man again?” but yes that’s right, his name is Daniel and he is on the show this season.

You may have forgotten, as on average he has appeared for 0.5 seconds per episode. He also has a bad case of Sienna Miller Face Blindness (SMFB), an ailment in which I cannot recognise Sienna Miller no matter how many times I see her.

Is this Sienna Miller and Daniel?

Anyway, let’s see if old Daniel gets some of that sweet sweet airtime in tonight’s episode. We can also see if there is any correlation between the amount of airtime he gets, and where he falls on this week’s Most Annoying to Least Annoying rankings. By doing these recaps, and living a human existence, I have come to notice that men are far less annoying to me when they are silent, and hopefully off-screen.

Let’s get into the episode, and hope no horses have to put down!

The episode starts with Osher bursting into a room like Kramer on Seinfeld.

giddyup.

He was there to talk to the guys about how there are only five of them left (solid counting), and that tomorrow is the FINAL group date! How thrilling.

Osher says that it is ‘quite a milestone’ and that it ‘snuck up on us.’ All the men agree with him; blatantly lying. Personally I feel like we went from having a shitload of men to very few men in a short space of time, almost like the producers are rushing to get this thing over with because of poor ratings or something! But who can say.

Osher tells the group that Ali wants them to dress up for a German themed group date, and brings in a rack of lederhosen.

Charlie and Bill find this so funny! They look at each other while laughing, to confirm that each of them are correct and this is hilarious.

ROFL.

The guys look through the rack and one of them says, “look at these leather chaps!” and I am suddenly aware of how much this is setup like the beginning of a gay porn. Sadly I go unsatisfied, as everyone continues to be straight.

We cut to early the next morning at the house, and the men come out of the house in their outfits.

Don’t be a-llama-d, it’s just some men in shorts.

As they leave the house they are saying things to each other like ‘come on boys’ and ‘lets go mates’, trying to loudly affirm their masculinity in case there are any women within earshot.

Before we head off on the date, there were a few minutes of my favourite kind of product placement, where people on reality shows have to pretend to be excited about basic features that come with cars.

Wow it has a steering wheel.

The lads arrive and we find out that the reason for the German group date challenge today is that Ali’s father is from Germany, and Ali can speak German. Ali also says that she is very proud of her German heritage, which is a sentence you don’t hear very often. We also find out that Taite did not get the memo about the green shorts.

Taite easy being green.

Osher says that they are going to play some games and have some laughs, and that the activities are “The Bachelorette’s version of Oktoberfest”, which is coincidentally also now my answer to “If you had to describe literal hell, what two things would you combine?”

So let’s see which man does the best with Oktoberfest related activities! Who will shine? Who will fail? Who will annoy the shit out of me? And who will bring me four beers, so that I can get through this episode?

LEAST ANNOYING

Bill

Bill has jumped around so much on the list, but this week in a huge surprise, he takes out least annoying.

Bill took on the Lederhosen with good humour, and told us that he actually took German at school. To show this off, he then proceeded to say the sentence, “Guten tag, my name is Bill” in an accent that indicated he thought he was speaking German for the entire sentence.

He was not, it was 90% English.

Overalls it was a good effort.

I’m starved for humour from any of these men, so these moments of them being mildly and accidentally funny are good enough for me. I am beginning to understand why straight women laugh at men’s bad jokes.

Tell it again, it was so funny.

The first Oktober fest game saw the men having to throw a pretzel onto a wheel and win whatever prize it lands on, such as alone time with Ali, or putting sauerkraut on someone’s head. You know, traditional German activities. The game was called ‘pretzel toss’ or something like that, when it clearly should have been called ‘These pretzels are making me thirsty….for Ali.”

It’s my belief that nobody behind the scenes tried throwing a pretzel at the wheel before they filmed this to see if it was possible to do. Literally nobody landed a pretzel, and then Osher introduced a rule that meant if you missed the board completely, you got a bonus second chance advantage?

So there literally was no point landing a pretzel where you were meant to, you should just throw it directly onto the ground in order to win. It was some catch the golden snitch to win the entire game of Quidditch bullshit.

Okay, I may be too invested in the rules and fairness of games, I promise I’m fun usually!

Bill was fine this episode, but most of the reason he is up high on my Least Annoying list is because he now seems more dedicated to upsetting Charlie than winning over Ali. At one point he flat out said his mission was to “annoy the shit out of Charlie”, and then he did an extremely evil laugh.

I am here for it, and he is undeniably good at his mission! In the next challenge, the men had to carry as many steins of beer around an obstacle course that they could manage, trying not to spill. They were blindfolded, and listening to Ali’s voice to direct them around.

Fifty Shades of IPA.

Bill decided not to be a macho man (like Charlie), and to carry a manageable four steins in each hand, becoming the only one to deliver the beers mostly full. At the end of the entire thing, I had a great idea for a feminist-themed Oktoberfest Halloween costume, “Gloria Stein-em.” Thank you, yes I am available to hire to write your jokes.

Oh, also Ali decided to take Bill on the single date because he’d been the most fun, or whatever. Charlie was extremely not mad at this, and definitely was not boiling with a seething rage just under the surface, his eyes filled with a deep hatred.

Not mad.

Bill and Ali got to go on one of the most exciting dates you can experience, the thrilling ‘product placement’ date. First they got to get out a phone.

So

Then they got to open the app on the phone and order some German food.

Incredibly

Then they got to go into a barn with beautifully lit Deliveroo bags and eat food that had been brought to them on a bicycle.

Romantic.

Wonderful. Ali and Bill’s relationship is based a lot on how much they laugh together. It’s great because they both have such wonderful senses of humour. One good example of this was when they were eating their food on the date, Ali asked if Bill ‘likes sausage’, and they both found it extremely funny.

HAHAHAHHAH WHERE’S THEIR NETFLIX SPECIAL.

After the hysterics calmed, Ali tried to get some clear answers from Bill, as she was concerned that he is only telling her what she wants to hear.

Bill, trying to be romantic, said “from our first date, I feel like I’ve known you for…..2 or 3 years.” Which is just what every girl wants to hear. In response to her concerns about the future, he told her a vague plan about selling his business and moving to Adelaide for her.

This somehow convinced her he wasn’t just telling her what she wants to hear, and so she was reassured, and they did a big kiss with mouths that definitely tasted like cabbage and other German food.

Yum.

Bill was not annoying this week!

Taite

I am relatively ‘meh’ on Taite. I think he is fine, and unless there is a huge blow up, he is undoubtedly going to win this entire thing. But he also seems to be quite boring? He’s also very terrible at carrying beer.

But Ali is obviously super into him, and thinks he is hot as hell, so she took him on a single date to the beach. Where you have to wear not much clothing. Even though it was obviously winter.

Free Willy.

Ali admits that all she wants to do when she is with him is make out, and oh boy do they do a lot of that on this date.

Look, I am supportive of heterosexuality; some of my best friends are heterosexuals. I just really wish they would tone it down and keep it behind closed doors. How am I meant to explain a man and woman kissing to my cat??

Ali admits that she is hot for Taite’s looks, but knows that to move forward, she needs him to put down some guards and to be open with her. So as they pash and cuddle and be sexy, she keeps asking Taite what he is thinking.

He keeps giving her short answers like “I’m just happy” until finally he responds “what else have you got in store, what’s this?” referring to the creepy bunch of balloons floating above them.

She informs him that obviously a murderous clown is about to kill them both, and then they are both killed by a murderous clown. Not really, but Taite might have preferred that to the truth, which was that he was about to be asked a bunch of difficult questions.

Ali desperately needed reassurance to find out if Taite is emotionally available and ready to be serious with her.

She did this by asking him, “Are you open to being engaged by the end of the year?” Taite replied that he was open to it, but wouldn’t do it until he was ready. She asked how he would know when he’s ready, and he replied, “time” and “living together.” Ali said that his answer “was a huge sigh of relief.”

As Rove would say ten years ago, what the?

I must be missing the part of my brain that can compute dating and marriage traditions, because to me it sounded like they were saying opposite things. First of all, wanting to push for an engagement by the end of the year seems like a lot.

But even if we go with it, Ali wanted Taite to commit to the idea of being engaged VERY soon, and was relieved at his answer that yes he would be ready, as long as there was a lot of time before they got engaged. Is this one of those puzzles like how one guard at a door can only lie, and the other one can only tell the truth?

Toxic.

For reasons I am unclear on, because it seemed like Taite gave her absolutely nothing, Ali is pleased enough with the answer.

It’s hard. Ali obviously wants someone who will be honest with her, and not just tell her what she wants to hear, but then if their honest answer is not what she wants to hear, she is also not into that.

“I don’t know either!”

Conversely, she also seems willing to settle for the bare minimum from men and has wildly low expectations, impressed when they do things like “think of her feelings whatsoever.”

At one point Taite says that one of his faults is that he is too kind, and it always fucks things up for him, because he just wants everyone else to be happy. This sounded a lot like someone interviewing for a job saying that their worst quality is working TOO hard.

However, Ali told him that his kindness “is a beautiful trait.” This was sweet, and also gave a perfect example as to why I will never be allowed on television, as I immediately would have followed that up with “I mean, a beautiful Taite.”

So even though it seems like most of what she has with Taite is that she is hot for him, maybe it will work out? I mean, probably not. But maybe. Taite was not that annoying.

NEITHER ANNOYING NOR NOT ANNOYING I FELT NOTHING

Sorry but Todd was beautiful as always, even in a dumb hat!

BUT he also pulled a bit of a dick move by interrupting Daniel when Daniel had taken Ali away for a much-needed chat at the cocktail party. But these things balance each other out, and so he appears here this week.

Daniel

I truly empathise with Daniel’s nervousness and his awkwardness, but we are getting down to the nitty gritty now.

If you aren’t bringing anything to the table by now, you gotta go. Daniel barely appeared in the episode until the final cocktail party, which is when he decided to make his big move. He took Ali away, and they made some extremely boring small talk, which is his specialty. I think most of it was discussing how many weeks ago the first date was.

“5 weeks? Maybe 4. Longer? Please kill me.”

At least it wasn’t about sweat this time? At this point Daniel started talking like he was going to make a huge announcement. He got to “I brought you over here, because I just wanted to say…” when Todd interrupted. Daniel instantaneously went bright red, which was the most interesting thing he’s done so far.

Todd left after like two seconds, but it was enough to throw Daniel completely off his game and he just wrapped it up in a huff, and then remained angry forevermore at Todd for ruining his chance.

Yes, it was a bit of a dick move by Todd. But also, you should have made your move months ago bro! One final chat at the final cocktail party was never gonna save you! And have you got any recommendations for good anti-perspirant that I can use in summer to stop sweating so much!? Asking for a friend!

Daniel was pretty annoying.

MOST ANNOYING

Charlie

I apologise, we are stuck in some sort of Groundhog Day scenario, where every week we wake up and Charlie is the Most Annoying again.

This week he was slightly less annoying than usual, but still annoying enough in order to defeat everyone else on the list. To be fair, it is going to be hard for him to move out of this position, because I am the judge, and he has all of the qualities that I find distasteful in men.

During the pretzel throwing competition, he thought he was going to be great at it, but sucked at it. But as it was a dumb game nobody could win, everyone sucked at it. But at least Bill and Charlie both got to put sauerkraut on each other’s heads.

Unfortunately when Bill was putting sauerkraut on Charlie’s head, Charlie said the sentence “Kraut me big boy.”

Once again, this did not turn into a gay porn, but this time I didn’t mind because Charlie saying that caused me to become celibate for eternity. Charlie was confident he could beat Bill in the beer carrying competition, because he has the biggest hands out of the group. And you know what it means when you have big hands! You also have a big….ball of insecurity inside you that comes out as aggression.

Big Dick Energy.

Charlie fairly easily lifted 9 steins, which would have beaten Bill if they were delivered without much spilling. However, for some reason, Ali completely lost the plot and sent Charlie in all sorts of wrong directions, causing him to spill too much beer, and lose to Bill.

Melbourne Bitter.

Ali said “I don’t know what’s wrong with me, my brain just stopped working.”

Dear, sweet Ali. That was God, or the universe, or whatever higher powers you believe in. Someone intervened by going into your brain and making you forget your left from your right, so that you would not have another single date with Charlie. Praise be. Charlie was obviously annoyed at Ali for not giving great directions, and angry in general, because he is Charlie.

But pleasingly, he wore a suit that is the same colour as his complexion when he gets upset, and that was funny.

Suits you.

Charlie is just very unpleasant to watch, and for as long as he has this problem (his personality), he’s going to remain as Most Annoying.

NEVER TO ANNOY ME AGAIN

Poor old….I want to say David? Drake? No wait, Daniel.

The show tried to make us believe that maybe it wasn’t Daniel that was going home tonight, but there was literally nothing I’ve ever been more confident about in my life. Daniel obviously just wasn’t cut out for this. Now he can go back to being awkward off camera with women, just like your favourite recapper.

Farewell final Daniel, you already look like this in my mind.

Folks, we made it through again!

And we’re at hometown visits tomorrow night! Which means we are almost at the end of this journey, and I will be able to decrease my consumption of heterosexual content by at least 50%. Exciting times!

It’s goodbye from me, for now. Always remember; never tell me if I have forgotten to talk about a man. And if you are a man on the Internet, and you are upset that I am too mean about men, I implore you to complain to anyone but me.

Thank u, next.

Rebecca Shaw is the co-host of the very regular comedy podcast Bring A Plate. She tweets @brocklesnitch.