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Every Terrible Lesson I Learned About Love While Watching ‘The Bachelorette’: Tait Date

Lesson: get your judgemental friend to come over and talk smack about your date.

Welcome to our Thursday Recap of The Bachelorette — you can read Rebecca Shaw’s upsettingly funny recap from Wednesday here. We’ll be recapping every episode, because we are very passionate about love or TV or whatever.


“No, you’re not gonna get what you need, baby I have what you want, come get your honey.”

So wrote the beloved pop-singer, Robyn, in her song ‘Honey’, which is a good song. While it could be assumed that Robyn was singing as the personification of a beehive or perhaps a supermarket aisle, the honey, in fact, is metaphorical. It stands for an idea, a feeling, a gooey sweet love feeling perhaps.

Not a pot of honey, so stand down, all you pantsless bear out there! Get out of here!

But the interesting idea that Robyn puts forward is that love is not a necessity, it’s a desire. We don’t need it to live, like air or water or delicious blood. It’s not a nourishing main meal in our lives — it’s a sweet extra, a topping. You’re not gonna die if you don’t have honey.

The Bachelorette sometimes needs to be reminded that, as it both manages to trivialise the idea of love AND take it too seriously. Just fucking chill, take up a hobby, enjoy yourself. Sure, we’re all probably gonna die alone, gasping our last breaths in a ditch on the side of the road, fighting over fuel and water (I recently watched Mad Max: Fury Road, which I assume is a documentary?) but that doesn’t mean we need to get too obsessed with the idea of destiny and starstruck romance.

And to her credit, Ali reminds us in this episode that the men in this episode are like honey — maybe she wants to have a big pawful, or maybe she doesn’t, but she’s being strategic, thoughtful, tactical this time. She’s being analytical about her decision, not just falling helplessly in love.

I dunno, maybe that’s a lesson? Let’s have a look at the other lessons we learned from this fairly boring episode.

What the fuck was that extended honey metaphor about????

#1 Allow Someone Else To Plan A Romantic Evening For You

Last week, Tait missed out on his single date, because weird snake Bill used his Wild Rose to steal it, to almost nobody’s benefit. Let’s hope this is the last time we say Wild Rose in this recap, and in our lives.

“Yay, nice lady”

But this week, Tait got his date and mate, it was great, especially after having it snaked so late. The question was, did he have the right trait for Ali, or was it perhaps fate? Ali has a lot of men on her plate, so the decision probably has a lot of weight. This is stupid, but I couldn’t stop.

All the boys having a sensible chuckle at my rhyming

Anyway! On this date, Tait and Ali go on a romantic scavenger hunt, where after deciphering (extremely easy) clues, they find cute things like wine and photos of them in snow globes.

And damn, it seemed to work! The energy was popping and the smooching happened at several points, and Ali was giving him that look. I’m usually drunk when I give people that look, but she’s just very fit probably?

“This is the most romantic thing that a committee of strangers has ever organised for me”

But you have to wonder… can other people create a romantic setting as efficiently as the couple involved can? Like… the fact that the snow-globe was planted there by a team of professional emotion manipulators rather than by a sweet dum-dum makes it seem more sinister than romantic.

But it worked. Maybe the lesson is to outsource your romance more?

“hey Ali, I like how there’s a hundred blue rubber-bands in your hair, you look like Daenerys Targaryen went to Officeworks”.

#2 Find Some Judgemental Friends

Ali got two of her friends to come and judge the boys, and can I just say: yes.

This is CLEARLY a good idea, because I think love is the opposite of clear thinking. And I also think that because love comes from some weird horny gland inside your heart or maybe like behind your dick somewhere, it actively impedes your brain.

So, always always always find that friend of yours that is that bitch. You know the one, who is able to make a snap decision about a person in half a second, but justify it over the next seven years. They’re hard-eyed, cold-souled bastards, but they’re useful. They’re probably Virgos.

“Hahahaha, we DON’T like you, hahahaha”

While you’re awash with love juices, dragging around your hollow-eyed, hook-for-a-hand, mugshot of a new boyfriend, take a moment to ask Susan what she thinks. Susan knows that your new boo jerks off to factory fires.

Ali’s friends kinda missed the boat on primary psychopaths Charlie and Bill, but they did rattle Robert enough to set him up with a confrontation with Ali at the cocktail party.

#3 Don’t Do Whatever That Is?

Robert and Ali’s conversation can only be described as “not very good what is happening why?”

“Buh”

Ok, it can clearly be described better than that. But it was weird! He talked at her very frantically, slipping weirdly between accusing her of not learning her lesson, but then also apologising about other stuff? Also he did lots of big fake laughs?

I don’t understand what it was, but the lesson is: don’t do that. If you find yourself doing it? Stop.

“Please stop”

Anyway, he didn’t get kicked out, two short guys did instead. Who are they? Nobody will ever remember.

 

The Bachelorette is on every Wednesday and Thursday night, and Junkee will be recapping every episode like idiots.

Patrick Lenton is the Entertainment Editor at Junkee. He tweets @patricklenton.