I Got Drunk And Ate Icecream And Watched The Bachelorette Episode 11
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Welcome to our Wednesday Recap of The Bachelorette by Nadine von Cohen — you can read last week’s recap from Thursday here. We’ll be recapping every episode because we are very passionate about love or TV or whatever.
Last time I did a The Bachelorette recap I swore I’d never do another The Bachelorette recap, and yet here I am.
Then again, last time I sent my ex a 2am video of me eating ice cream and crying I swore I’d never send my ex another 2am video of me eating ice cream and crying, and yet here I am, fresh out of Messina and tears.
So, let’s fucking do this.
I imagine a lot of stuff has happened since I last watched this hellfire show. I have no interest in knowing what the stuff that’s happened is, but I am devastated that Ivan hasn’t made it this far despite auditioning for Step Up 17 in the middle of a cocktail party.
The quick intro tells me the last episode was hometowns and I thank the Lord Osher Gunsberg I didn’t have to recap that. It seems that reality Meet the Fockers did not go well for all and I wonder if I can get away with a Meet the Knockers joke because damn Ali is fine.
Anyway, I’m shocked to discover that forcing a group of people to talk to a near stranger about how she’s dry-humping their son/brother/friend while also dry-humping three other sons/brothers/friends isn’t necessarily a great idea.
From what I can tell hometowns revealed that Bill is a psychopath who took Ali to the home of a girl he met recently in a dog park, and that Charlie is a psychopath who is a psychopath.
It seems wise that Ali told Charlie to rack off but I’m concerned Bill might have murdered his own family.
The episode begins and Ali is walking along a beach looking whimsical and somehow hotter than a few weeks ago. Maybe being manipulated by two psychopaths really brings out a woman’s glow. I’ve only ever been manipulated by one psychopath at a time and I certainly never looked that radiant.
Ali’s voiceover ponders the pickle she has willingly gotten herself into and is no doubt being paid handsomely for. “The three men are really different,” she muses and she’s right – one is called Bill and the other two handsome cis straight white men probably have other names. “I’m really confused,” she continues and I hope she means about when exactly to throw Bill in the bin.
The Bachelorette Date 1: Todd
Todd is immediately my favourite because Todd was Elizabeth’s boyfriend in Sweet Valley High and Bachelorette Todd totally looks like Sweet Valley Todd and Ali totally looks like the Wakefield twins.
Flashbacks tell me that Todd wore a knight costume to meet Ali and I genuinely can’t decide how to feel about that. They also tell me that it only takes 9 months to graduate from the police academy and the movies make a lot more sense now.
Todd’s hometowns dinner appears to have involved a lot of talk about “timelines” because he is 26 and wants to go to cop school before he marries and fathers spawn, while Ali is 32 and RARING TO GO BOYS.
Apparently, she wants to be married within a year and putting that much pressure on herself and her three boyfriends is definitely going to end well for everybody.
One of them — I honestly don’t remember/care which one — says “Maybe we can do something to make our timelines match up” and I’m concerned they think time-travel is real. Bless.
Cut to Todd standing in a field as Ali approaches in a horse-drawn carriage.
Ali says, “Today I can live out my fairytale” and it’s clear they’re gonna lean into this medieval romance thing like Scott Morrison is leaning into being the absolute worst. I lean into a glass of wine.
“Is that my Prince Charming?” says the princess as the carriage stops. They do the jumpy-uppy kiss thing and I get sad I’ve never done the jumpy-uppy kiss thing. Then I think about The Notebook.
Next, we see two people fencing and JFC they’re not messing around with this ye olde stuff.
Ali explains that “In medieval times fencing was a training method for knights” and Todd shits his pants, afraid that she’s going to find out he’s not an actual knight.
“I don’t know how to do knight things,” he says and I want to pinch his adorable cheeks so bad.
They have a fencing lesson and then a dual during which I kind of fall in love with their love. They’re playful and fun and I’m old and cynical and I wonder if it’s too late to order Messina.
Then Todd refers to his genitals as “meat and three veg” and “the babymaker” and I remember why I hate everything.
It’s now the night part of the date. Todd is now standing in a different field monologuing that he needs to tell Ali something but is worried she’ll be scared off. Ali rocks up in an ACTUAL WEDDING GOWN so I doubt whatever Todd has to say will rattle her.
“Knowing that this is what life would be like when the show is over makes me want it more,” says Todd’s voice over and I hope the producers have explained to him that this is in no way what life will be like when the show’s over.
They talk in circles about their age and life-stage differences and eventually convince themselves that maths is bullshit. So what if she’s jonesing for betrothal before the next election? Who cares if he wants financial stability before using his babymaker? He loves her and she somethings him and that’s all that matters.
“You can’t choose the timing of your life,” says Todd who is right now able to choose the timing of his life.
They pash some more.
“Today has really been a fairytale. Dreams really do come true,” says Ali, who apparently dreams of kidding herself about the viability of a long-term relationship with her youngest boyfriend.
The Bachelorette Date 2: Taite
“I’m literally peeing myself with excitement,” says Ali, driving a convertible and potentially spruiking adult diapers.
“I can’t explain the feeling I get when I’m with Taite,” she continues, and I believe the word she’s looking for is “thirsty”.
Ali laments that Taite has failed to open up, but to be fair it’s hard to say words when your tongue’s in someone’s mouth. She’s going to take the pressure off him by “giving him the time and space he needs to open up” within the allotted time and space she’s giving him to open up.
Now, I’m no Dr. Frasier Crane, but if I know anything about men it’s that they love being tricked into telling you they love you.
We now see Taite standing by a road in activewear like a super fit hitchhiker with a sexy secret. He says he’s falling for Ali but struggles to open up and I make a sound I’ve never made before.
“Taite’s after what I want but we have serious obstacles to conquer,” says Ali and I bet myself $50 they’re going to some sort of Tough Mudder-y obstacle course. I won.
They go to a place reassuringly named Burns, which looks like a dystopian children’s playground after a nuclear holocaust.
“I see tyres, I see monkey bars, I see walls — this is so my thing,” says Taite, who will never be my boyfriend.
Then, Ali explains to us like we’re five that “today is about working together and seeing if we can get through obstacles in life together.” It turns out that working together means pashing constantly and I think about how long it’s been since I worked together with someone.
Suddenly it’s night and OH LOOK A HOT TUB! How did that get there? Is it a time machine? Is this how Ali and Todd are going to work things out? Wait, then what would happen to Taite? I need more wine.
Ali and Taite get in the hot tub time machine and if I know anything about reality television/life, it’s that hot tubs mean a lot of working together, a lot of sweet, wet, glistening working together.
My ice cream arrives and the rest of the spa party is spent with her wanting him to confess his love and him daring to want to wait until she’s dumped her other two boyfriends. He tells her repeatedly how much he likes her and that he could fall for her but it’s not enough for her. This show is dumb.
There are a lot of awkward silences.
The date ends and my will to live will surely follow.
The Bachelorette Date 3. Bill
We see a flock of birds flying in formation and I pray it means Bill has skipped town and I can go to sleep.
Then, Ali is punching and kicking a bag and I pray it means she’s going to beat the shit out of Bill and I can go to sleep.
Ali’s voice over again contemplates how batshit it is that Bill took her to meet a rando girl he’s known for a year instead of his family or long-term friends. She’s “in two minds about it,” and I assume one mind thinks he might be a psychopath and the other is certain he’s a psychopath.
For some reason, they meet in a park again and Bill comes bounding up to her. I’m now drunk enough to wonder if he’s actually a dog, but then feel bad for insulting dogs so hard. Sorry dogs.
They have a tense exchange of pleasantries and get in a limo. Bill forgets how seatbelts work.
In the limo, Bill says he’s falling for her as if he’s capable of having feelings.
He evidently has no idea that he fucked up. “Ali meeting my friends went so well. There was a time in the dinner I just sat back and thought how good’s this?” Zero good, Bill. It’s zero good.
They go straight into the night date with no fun activity but Bill still doesn’t realise he’s a dead man dating. She grills him on not introducing her to any of his family and not being honest about his relationship with Amy, the dog park girl.
It turns out that in Bill’s stupid head, even though he and Amy “hooked up a few times” he didn’t technically lie about not dating her because they were “never boyfriend and girlfriend”. He refuses to descend the semantic hill he’s standing on, and then despite having offered no explanation or apology, asks Ali “Have I put your mind at ease?”
The following is a series of Ali’s facial expressions from throughout what everyone but Bill seems to know is his last date with her.
The Rose Ceremony
It’s finally time for the rose ceremony and the men look like they’re at a funeral, which in some ways maybe they are. RIP Bill’s Ego.
I pour some out for Bill while Ali walks in and I’m angry she borrowed my year 11 semi-formal dress without asking. Moll.
We hear voice-overs from the good men about how they’re falling for Ali and I resent Bill for being such a monster that I’m calling these fame-chasers good men. He says he’s done everything and said everything he wanted to, has no regrets and continues to be utterly incapable of insight.
Ali gives Todd and Taite roses and they exchange a look of what I think is disbelief, but could be mild panic.
Osher pops in to tell Bill to fuck off and Ali walks Bill out, probably more to make sure he leaves than out of any sense of courtesy. Social etiquette is wasted on the criminally insane.
He feigns sadness and asks if there’s a specific reason she’s booting him. She takes the high road by not reciting the list she’s made titled “Specific Reasons Bill Sux”.
His car drives off and the last thing we see is him yelling “We never went on dates” at a cloud.
Nadine von Cohen is a Sydney-based writer. She can usually be found on Twitter, swearing in capitals and refusing to punctuate.