TV

A Very Rigorous Ranking Of The Strengths And Weaknesses Of ‘The Bachelorette’ Contestants

They are all magicians.

It’s time to take a deep breath and relax and take stock of our lives in the aftermath of The Bachelor, really let The Honey Bachelor gently go into the light, release him from our consciousness and just take a break — I’M KIDDING, this nightmare will never end, we already have to watch The Bachelorette.

So, we’ve got the first episode of The Bachelorette this week, and so far we’ve been released a baffling list of horrifying men who will all compete for her heart. They’re a bizarre sea of dead-eyed beige men in Tarocash suits. But, one will (probably) win, unless Ali continues the Honey Badger trend of rage-quitting right at the end.

So, let’s take all these waxy bros, these limp-mouthed Lotharios, these pee-legged pals and give them an ol’ fashioned Junkee ranking, based on spite and science and whimsy. Presenting, the strengths and many weaknesses of The Bachelorette contestants:

Todd

Age: 26

Job: Sales Rep

Eyes: Blank

Strengths:

Ah, a Todd. *chuckles* I haven’t seen a Todd for many a long year. Your average Todd tends to laugh a few seconds behind everyone else, at just the wrong intensity — either way too loud or quiet, making you feel that he hasn’t quite gotten the joke. There’s a lot of things that a Todd doesn’t quite get, but looking at his face doesn’t give you any context clues. It’s like a freshly painted brick wall — you have to wonder why anyone bothered to paint it in the first place.

Also, he is wearing a suit of armour, a physical replacement for a personality.

Weaknesses:

He probably stopped being a magician when he got into medieval re-enactment.

Damien

Age: 42

Job: Retreat director

Eyes: Direct

Strengths:

Absolutely a kind of regional Tony Robbins style huckster, who starts every sentence with “Hey, look…” while putting his hand on your shoulder.

Weaknesses:

He calls himself an “illusionist” as if that’s better than a normal magician.

Cheyne

Age: 28

Job: Construction Auditor

Eyes: Deeply panicked

Strengths:

Silky hair like a pampered lapdog.

Weaknesses:

Is really excited to do some “comedy magic fusion” at the Adelaide Fringe this year.

Charlie

Age: 31

Job: Builder

Eyes: Weak

Strengths:

Doesn’t know whether men can touch flowers safely.

Weaknesses:

Uses his nephew as an excuse for knowing a whole bunch of coin based magic.

Ben

Age: 26

Job: Refrigerator

Eyes: Murky

Strengths:

“Who invited Ben? I’m not mad, just confused.” Ben likes to ask people questions about their phone plan.

Weaknesses:

Proposed to his high school girlfriend by releasing a dove from his top-hat at the school formal.

Paddy

Age: 27

Job: Gym Manager

Eyes: Deeply confused

Strengths:

Always has a pocket full of warm gummy bears.

Weaknesses:

SO MANY SCARF TRICKS.

Wesley

Age: 31

Location: Heavy Machine Operator

Eyes: Insincere

Strengths:

The greatest trick he ever pulled was convincing you that he wasn’t a professional magician.

Cons:

Unfortunately, he is a professional magician

Robert

Age: 29

Location: Plumber

Eyes: Full of hate

Strengths:

I’m going to call him “Brobert”.

Cons:

Brobert is a hypnotist, or “mind magician”.

Danny

Age: 39

Occupado: Chiropractic Student

Eyes: Shifty

Strength:

Does NOT care that he has not matched a single item of clothing.

Weaknesses:

A very bad yet persistent amateur magician. Catchphrase is “Hang on… hang on… christ… let me try that again”, which is also the name of his sex tape.

Peter

Years spent wandering this earth: 27

Occupation: commercial something something

Eyes: very good boy

Strengths:

Will try his hardest

Weaknesses:

Will try his hardest at getting you to pick a card, any card.

Dan

Age: 32

Job: Sports reporter

Eyes: Horny

Strengths:

Played every single corpse in British crime procedural The Bill.

Con:

Waggles his eyebrows suggestively when he’s pulling a sad bouquet of flowers out of his sleeve.

Nathan

Age: 23

Job: Builder

Eyes: Murdery

Strengths:

Soft, strong hands.

Weaknesses:

Enjoys cutting women in half, both as a trick and as a murder thing.

Bill

Age: 31

Job: mechanical plumber

Eyes: Secretly contemptuous

Strengths:

THREE Segways.

Weaknesses:

Also a magician.

Taite

Age: 21

Job: Bank Manager

Eyes: So confused.

Strengths:

Most powerful yacht.

Weaknesses:

Magician on a yacht.

Ivan

Age: 29

Job: Commercial painter

Eyes: Nice

Strengths:

Always remembers your mother’s birthday.

Weaknesses:

Ivan enormous repertoire of magic tricks to show you.

Jules

Age: 24

Job: Former Infantry Corporal

Eyes: Deeply normal.

Strengths:

Normal guy stuff.

Weaknesses:

Uhhh. Magician.

Daniel

Age: 30

Job: Personal trainer

Eyes: They’re there?

Strengths:

Are you honestly telling me we haven’t seen this guy already?

Weaknesses:

HE’S THE MAGICIAN CLONE FROM THE FILM THE PRESTIGE BUT HE ESCAPED THE BAD WATER TANK.

Brendan

Age: 29

Job: Events Manager

Eyes: Morally suspect

Strengths:

Moist handshake.

Weaknesses:

Furious magician.

The Bachelorette is gonna be on Channel 10 every Wednesday and Thursday until the Earth explodes, and Junkee will be recapping them all! Hooray!

Patrick Lenton is an author and staff writer at Junkee. He tweets @patricklenton.