All The Heterosexual Nonsense I Was Forced To Endure During Episode 9 Of ‘The Bachelorette’
Bring out the daddies!
Hello, and welcome to Junkee’s recaps of The Bachelorette Australia, where we watch episodes of The Bachelorette Australia and try to pretend we’re OK with all the hetero nonsense we see in front of us.
Bring out the daddies!
Hello father, it is I, your special boy, ready to write you your little recap. I know you like it ever so much when I recap the love show! This is my little Victorian boy character that I do, and I want you to know: I am definitely a spooky ghost when I do this. So I guess this new character I’m doing is a spooky Victorian boy who watched The Bachelorette. Fun!
Anyway. What up?
It’s me again, coming to recap some good boys lookin for love with a good pretty lady, and all the hijinks that happen in between. Is there nonsense? Sure, baby, there’s a thick slathering of heterosexual nonsense, and we’re going eat it all up like a starving coyote that I done saw once on a ranch. This is my “owns a ranch” character — he’s also a ghost!
If you’re a big fan (rate, like and subscribe!) you’ll probably be like “omg you again, the piss-boy and his words? Where’s Rebecca Shaw!” and number one, please stop calling me piss-boy. Rebecca Shaw is having her birthday tonight, so a big happy birthday to her! Send her pictures of the baby with a gun to help her celebrate.
If you’re not familiar, a birthday is an annual lesbian ritual, where the lesbian gathers all of their closest ex girlfriends and their ex-girlfriend’s girlfriends together, to celebrate the passing of yet another year. Hope they all have fun.
So I’m recapping. Bec will be back tomorrow for hometowns, love that for her.
babies, let’s rank.
Look, I’m not sure that Timm and Angie have a bloody future together — I think Angie’s dad was right when he said that Timm would drive her mad eventually.
But Jesus, considering the big bland loaves of stodgy nothing we’re left with since Ciarran had to depart, I’m just so happy someone with an actual personality is left behind. I’m not sure I ship Timm, but I goddamn stan this boy. He’s weird and I love his stupid words.
Right at the beginning of this episode, he says “I was doing some light reading and then I saw a clothes rack” and it’s his weird drawling delivery, and the beautiful fact that he reads books that just makes this an oddly hilarious to me? I dunno?
The group date was a ballroom dancing class with old women, and Timm and his partner Vola (sp?) were an absolute delight.
“I’m not usually one for older women, but when in Rome…” says Timm, and that’s nonsensical! I love him!
Basically, Timm and Vola do a bad dance, but as Timm points out, she’s a “massive flirt”.
The ballroom dance teacher said “the difference in this dance is we don’t have any body connection, just a bit of space left in there…” and Vola pipes in with “oh, how disappointing.”
And the best bit is that Timm truly met his equal in her — he goes “I’ve always wanted a sugar mumma”, and without even a beat, she turns around and delivers the perfect riposte. “How often do i get a toy boy?”
But seriously, his heart of gold shone pretty bright here.
So, as part of the group date, they had to all dress up like old men. Ryan looked the same, most of them looked confusing, Timm looked like the inventor of some kind of confabulous contraption.
But Carlin. Oh Carlin. What are you doing to me, The Bachelorette?
Now, we all know that I love my men hot and bland, like an hearty stew — no spice, but so chonky. But I had no idea that OLD MAN CARLIN, Grandaddy Carlin, was exactly my brand of supermarket bread.
Anyway, he wiggled his butt a lot, and that was not annoying at all. As Timm said (and the fact that Timm notices other mens butts is one of the reasons I stan him), “Carlin’s ass in those pants should be illegal”.
Now that Jamie’s gone, we can really shine some light on some other dickheads, namely Ryan.
Ryan isn’t inherently bad — he’s just been kinda boring. And not bland and perfectly pleasant and even nice like sweet Carlin — Ryan is a wet blanket. We’ve seen hints before, where he’s gotten annoyed at the boys for saying things, and snapped at precious Timm. Usually anybody who doesn’t get along with a pack of men is pretty relatable to me, but hmm, not Ryan.
Anyway, he managed to get Angie’s attention by being way too cosy with his old lady dancer — and frankly, I stan them. They look like a good couple. But Angie got jealous — and I don’t SEE it, but I guess Angie is a dog lover, and Ryan trains dogs. I do have a weird mental dislocation where I find it hard to imagine that people who love dogs are bad people — but even Hitler loved his German Shepherd, and history isn’t going to treat Hitler well! Mark my words.
But Ryan is no Hitler, he’s just boring. Big statement!
Anyway, I was never really motivated to be annoyed by Ryan, but his single date with Angie was FUCKED. FUCKED. FUCKED. And I don’t want to talk about it.
But basically, a sexy lady told them to be sexy and not talk, and it was gross. And this happened. I got carried away.
Let’s move on.
I also got very annoyed at Ryan because at the cocktail party/awkward dinner, he put a trap in the box of truth questions for sweet Carlin! And it was all because he had his lips plumped! What a dog move! Sweet Carlin is like “after my breakup, my confidence was very low, so I got my lips done” and that’s such a shit thing to try and trip someone with.
He got got!
His whole thing was “I was flirting with Angie on Insta, and then applied for this show because of her” — but someone managed to get him to admit that he had also applied for the LAST season of The Bachelorette. LOOOOOOOL.
He’s out next ep. What a shit.
Never To Annoy Or Not Annoy Again
Matt and Alex
Honestly, shunt them straight out of The Bachelorette and straight into a regional radio hosting gig, they’ve got the names and the general demeanour for it. They seemed like nice boys, can’t really remember them tbh, their faces fading from my memory as we speak…
The Bachelorette Australia is on Channel 10 Wednesdays and Thursdays. We will recap every episode like FOOLS.
Patrick Lenton is the Deputy Editor of Junkee. He tweets @patricklenton.