All The Heterosexual Nonsense I Was Forced To Endure During Episode 2 Of ‘The Bachelorette’
This is the messiest episode of the show -- ever.
Hello, and welcome to Junkee’s recaps of The Bachelorette Australia, where we watch episodes of The Bachelorette Australia and try to pretend we’re OK with all the hetero nonsense we see in front of us.
Ever woken up from a nightmare, screamed in terror, and then after you calm down, you realise that actually the thing you had the nightmare about was gonna happen THAT DAY in REAL LIFE?
I have. It’s what moving from The Bachelor in The Bachelorette feels like. It feels like waking up from a bad dream, into a nightmare.
Anyway! We’ve been well and truly dumped into a seething pit of straight men, and guess what, they all look like magicians, they look like a year 12 formal that got trapped in time, they look like a Tarotcash catalogue that’s been sitting in your letterbox for so long that it’s gone yellow, and covered with slugs.
Last episode, the luminous and dynamic icon of Australian comedy, Rebecca Shaw, introduced us to the world of The Bachelorette 2019. Here’s the good news: Angie seems like an absolute legend, and like an enjoyable person to watch. After this episode, I can confirm — we stan! She’s great!
But, as Bec pointed out, there’s also just so many men, and straight men are the peak of heterosexual nonsense. We hate to see it! They are bad news. We should stop encouraging men! We should definitely try to repress their habits and traditions, and send them all to jack each other off on a lonely coral island. I’d watch that.
The good news is that we get to make fun of these stinky aldi-brand pirates as much as we want. They deserve it.
But boy oh boy, I cannot stress just how much nonsense this episode was packed with. This was fucked! I hated it! I wanted to throw myself screaming into the Kiama blowhole, and let the ocean macerate my limp body like a cherry Starburst.
In fact, this episode had SUCH bad hetero nonsense in it, that we need to briefly talk about it before we even get into the comedy ranking, because sometimes men are so bad, they don’t even get to be lampooned in a humorous ranking.
Let’s Talk About Jess, Baby
So, the big news from this episode is that Jess, the wannabe mayor of Noosa, got kicked out by Angie after a fiery and powerful speech.
He’s fucked, his behaviour is serious and fucked, and frankly the Bachelorette producers should not use sexism, and predatory behaviour as a point of entertainment. It should not be sold as drama at the cocktail party. It should not have been resolved on screen by the “players” in this little reality TV drama.
While it was gratifying and pleasantly surprising to watch the other men in the mansion speak out against him, it still sat wrong. He should have been escorted off set (and hopefully into a jail) at the first signs of harassment, rather than enabled for our viewing pleasure.
As a consequence, we will be devoting no more time to him or his actions in this comedy recap — sexism, misogyny and male violence against women are all serious structural problems that shouldn’t be placed alongside a man having a dummy spit about a chicken costume, as it trivialises a serious problem in society.
NOW LET’S MAKE FUN OF SOME DUMB TV WOOOOOOO
Carlin, and I cannot stress this enough, is a handsome man who I would allow to purchase my ancestral estates and ruin me financially. He could mismanage my funds. He could invest my dowry in an ill-considered boar racing ponzi scheme.
He had a 24 hour date with Angie, which was, much like him, fairly boring but aesthetically pleasing. I dunno. They made out. He revealed that he was technically still married.
He was most relatable when the other men crashed his date, and he looked gently sad and said: “Eugh, oh no, here come the boys.” EVERGREEN STATEMENT.
But, not only did he lead the charge in getting rid of Jess, but the dusky rose blazer he wore while doing it was the best outfit a man has ever worn on this blighted show. I have to stan.
Impregnate me and then marry me to narrowly avoid scandal, Carlin. Lock me in a tower overlooking a dramatic ocean. Divorce me so hard I can never crochet again, you handsome bitch.
You know what — I appreciate Timm.
At present, his commentary is one of the only things keeping me going. I reckon this could turn at any moment — I will not be surprised if he aggressively pushes himself into the most annoying list, with something fucked. But at present, this furious magician is funny and weird and gently mean to the other men, and that’s a mood!
Apart from talking about literally everything, all the time, his big screen time happened in one of Angie’s deranged photoshoots, where he played the lobster, while Matt got to be a shirtless, sexy Poseidon. And he stole the show.
“Matt looks like bloody Aquaman, and here I am looking like Krusty the Krab,” he says.
He was a big old lobster goofball, and his energy was infectious and fun, and Angie appreciated it. He got so into it that his junk fell out of his lobster suit, and look, that’s cursed, but anyone who can inhabit a lobster suit to such an extent is ok with me.
Also, at the cocktail party, Angie and him had this perfect dialogue, which makes me love him, even though it is full of dank magician energy.
Angie: “You look like you have eyeliner on.”
Timm:” I do have eyeliner on.”
Angie: “Ohhh sexy.”
Men Drinking Tea
It’s weird for me to see so many straight men together in one room, kinda unnatural. It’s like that painting of dog’s playing poker.
Anyway! Because it’s so weird for me, it’s somehow very funny when they all drink tea and rib each other? It’s like a dog walking on their back feet. Bless.
Where do they find these weird, possessive, unhinged psychos? There’s always one contestant who is SUPER into the Bachelorette/Bachelor, and is immediately in love with them. But then when it’s a dude, that always manifests itself as a bizarre, and frankly scary jealousy.
“I’m devastated” says Jamie, every time anybody gets to spend time with a woman he only just met. It’s a HUGE red flag. It’s nonsense. He’s genuinely unhinged: at one point he says
“I’m hoping to catch Angie’s attention with eye contact, like this,” and then stares blankly into the void.
“I’ve got one sole purpose here, I’m hunting for love,” he says, and it’s such male nonsense. Hunting. You idiot.
Never To Annoy Or Not Annoy Again
Ahhhh, Wazza. We heardly knew ya. Here one day, Wazza the next.
Basically, Warwick is a giant baby, who was so concerned about wearing a chicken outfit, that he will forever be known as the guy who couldn’t handle wearing a chicken outfit.
It seems that the taunt that pushed him over the edge was when Timm said “That’s not the first time you’ve had nuts on your chin, eh Wazza?” which, on the one hand I’m not wild about using homosexuality as an insult, but on the other hand, the chicken beak DID look like balls, and it annoyed Warwick so much.
Basically, Warwick did a dummy spit and left, and to memorialise this, let’s just laugh at pictures of him being a BIG ANGRY TODDLER IN A CHICKEN OUTFIT.
The Bachelorette Australia is on Channel 10 Wednesdays and Thursdays. We will recap every episode like FOOLS.
Patrick Lenton is the Entertainment Editor at Junkee. He tweets @patricklenton.