All The Heterosexual Nonsense I Was Forced To Endure During Episode 10 Of ‘The Bachelorette’
Let's find out whether men have homes?
Hello, and welcome to Junkee’s recaps of The Bachelorette Australia, where we watch episodes of The Bachelorette Australia and try to pretend we’re OK with all the hetero nonsense we see in front of us.
Hello angels! It’s me, Charlie. Just kidding, it’s me, Rebecca. I’m sorry I lied and said I was Charlie, but also you aren’t Lucy Liu, so we are both disappointing.
Welcome back to: Me, recapping!
The beautiful Leaning Tower of Patrick has been lovely enough to take over recapping duties the last few episodes due to various Lesbian Emergencies that have kept me from you. Patrick is a true ally to the lesbians, and I shall clutch him to my bosom in thanks the next time we hang out.
This meant that Patrick recapped the episode where dear, sweet Ciarran left, and I just want to reiterate that I am absolutely not over it, and I wish he were still here with us today. I hope he’s very happy, running about on a farm with other ex-Bachelorette contestants, or wherever he may be now.
I am thrilled to be back just in time for hometown visits, even though it makes me very uncomfortable to watch!
There’s just something about the Bachelorette or Bachelor taking a person back to their hometown to meet their family, and having it be a big spectacle and very awkward, and having some people be accepting and some be belligerent and disapproving…what could it be reminding me of.
Oh yeah, being gay.
This is the closest any straight person gets to feeling what it’s like to be the gay one bringing home a partner to Christmas dinner.
I can’t really keep up but from what I remember we are going to be visiting the homes of Boring Handsome Carlin, Very Boring Dog Lover Ryan, Husky Voice Pie Man Jackson and Timm. I’m very curious to see the hometown visits and where all these thrilling and fascinating men come from.
Just kidding!!! I’m only excited to see where Timm comes from. Are they going to pull up to a family of wolves, in the forest where Timm was raised as one of their own? Will they be sucked up into a spaceship? Will his family be a travelling theatre troupe where Timm plays a street urchin every night in regional theatres?
The options are endless. As always I’ll be deciding who is the most annoying in this episode, and there are no rules — it could even be YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (No it couldn’t).
Timm’s family was normal, and his mum was cute, and I love mums!!!!!!!!!!
Timm not only loves his mum, but also loves his best friend’s mum, and has her name tattooed on him
and when they arrived. his friend revealed he now has Timm’s mum’s name tattooed on him.
It was all a bit weird and a bit cute, which is precisely Timm. Also look how huge the drinks are they made that were the size of Angie’s head. I want to marry into this family.
I actually appreciate Timm even more now after this episode. I think in no way is Angie going to pick him at the end, but I do think he is the most genuine and honest one there.
Ahhy yeah you know I just bloody like ya hey
Even though I couldn’t stand Jackson’s dad (more on him later), I thought Jackson was pretty cute this episode.
That was probably due to two things. He brought Angie to his dad’s pie business, and in a throwback to the first episode where he presented her with something she couldn’t eat, this time he brought her gluten-free vegan pies.
If anyone out there took me on a date where they made me personalised pies, and in fact they worked in pies, and I could have pies all the time? I would marry them. It was cute! Also, he grew up with three brothers in a football household and found it hard to be vulnerable and open up about his feelings
This is all EXTREMELY relatable to SOME OF US i’m sure, I couldn’t POSSIBLY say WHOM.
I think he’s just like a generic handsome football party Sydney guy, and that isn’t for me whatosever in literally any context, but no hard feelings. Also at one point when Angie was trying to discuss his feelings he said “I was trying to mentalise how I feel about you”, and I just loved it.
JACKSON (TIMM’S FRIEND) AND JACKSON’S DAD
Oh my god. I am all for friends and family being protective of their loved ones but I hated watching both of these men.
Jackson made it very clear that he is jealous and doesn’t want Timm to end up with Angie, which is a RED FLAG. Dump this guy Timm. He obviously just doesn’t want to lose his party friend, so basically told Angie that Timm is a party guy and is in no way ready to settle down. DOG.
The worst part though was when he was harshly questioning Angie and patronisingly said “Do you have a spark with any of the other three blokes who are trying to crack onta ya?” Like sorry, do you know how the show works? If not, shut the fuck up bro. I’m not in the MOOD.
And then we came to contestant Jackson’s dad, who had a lot of concerns about Angie being a gold-digger, and not being a hard worker, and just wanting to cash in on his family. Unfortunately he is obviously under the impression that instead of running a pie company, he in fact is Logan Roy from the television show Succession.
If you haven’t seen Succession, this is a very funny jokes! It’s a show about a father and his children all basically fighting and scheming over the biggest media company in the entire world.
Jackson’s Dad is under the impression that Angie is going through all of this simply to claw her way into this huge conglomerate pie business. It was all just very very patronising and awful, saying things like “what’s work for you Ange, you don’t know where your next job is coming from?” and “she’s been on two reality shows, we don’t know what her intentions are.”
YOUR SON APPLIED FOR THIS SHOW, MY FRIEND! THIS IS NOT SUCCESSION.
Anyway Angie ended up convincing him she was not a free-loader, and I hated that she had to convince him, and instead wish she had thrown a pie in his stupid face and walked out.
Ryan and Carlin are both extremely boring. And now we know, not only are they extremely boring, but they are both big liars who lie.
Ryan went on and on about how he would nevvvvvvvvvvvvver do The Bachelorette, it’s not his styyyylllllle, and then we find out that in fact he had applied for a different season. That is a very very clearcut lie.
When Angie asked him about it in this episode, he (very lying-ly) started muttering about how he was in a rut at the time and so he applied and didn’t know who the Bachelorette would be, and he hadn’t gone out of his way to do it, he had been asked to audition, and it hadn’t even crossed his mind to tell her when they were discussing it.
LIES LIES LIES. And really really unfortunately, Angie seemed to talk herself into buying it.
Angie said things like that when she was mad she hadn’t taken into account that he hadn’t applied, they’d approached him, and that he hadn’t gone out of his way to apply, etc. But….he still lied, babe.
He explicitly said that he would never do anything like this, except he already had, and that’s not something you forget! He is a liar, and he’s boring, and if he wins i’m going to have a huge tantrum. He then did the most annoying thing of all which is get upset that she might possible think he’s lying….because he lied.
And he brought his brothers into it, and they all were like “it’s baffling that she thinks he’s lying” — um it’s because she lied, bro. So we had different Ryans with varying levels of hair be like “he’s like super honest and would never lie”
Except he DID lie, very explicitly, and then he got upset and his brothers got upset, and made her feel bad for not trusting him! Don’t trust him Angie, love yourself babe.
I accidentally got this screenshot at a horrible time but i’m leaving it because i’m mad at Ryan. Booooooooo Ryan.
Carlin was also dishonest! He never mentioned to her that he was super into getting an acting career going, and his brother blew his cover. It’s just a weird thing to be dishonest about, and then when she confronted him he, again, got upset at her for DARING to not trust him. I hate this. Angie, babe, please love yourself. I know he has these arms
And he’s pretty when he cries
But like, he’s dishonest and also again soooooooooo boring. But if I HAD to choose between Ryan and Carlin, I guess I would choose Carlin. But I don’t, because I’m not on this show, and I am a lesbian. Yay for me.
NEVER TO ANNOY AGAIN
Pie pie Jackson! The joke there is that Pie Pie could sound like Bye Bye a little bit. So it was like I was saying Bye Bye Jackson. Thank you for joining my comedy masterclass! I think Jackson was never long for this world, and he is going to be absolutely fine as CEO of Pies.
This episode was one of the more annoying episodes that I can remember in life. The only people that didn’t annoy me were Angie, Timm, and Timm’s mum. Everyone else could have gone on the list. If Timm goes home next week, it’s going to be a real struggle for me. And I am the most important person in this scenario. Also unless Ciarran comes back, Angie should pick nobody!
Thanks for joining me on this journey through cities and towns and heterosexual homes. See you next week!
Rebecca Shaw is the co-host of the very regular comedy podcast Bring A Plate. She tweets @brocklesnitch