All The Heterosexual Nonsense I Was Forced To Endure During Episode 4 Of ‘The Bachelor’

Hello, and welcome to Junkee’s recaps of The Bachelor, where we watch episodes of The Bachelor Australia and try to pretend we’re OK with all the hetero nonsense we see in front of us.

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Well, we have hit episode 4 of this season of The Bachelor, and I have hit some kind of wall.

A wall built out of heterosexuals and all the little activities they like to get up to together. I don’t know if it’s that they are dragging out episodes because of the upcoming lockdown stuff (which is fair), or if it’s just been too long since I have had fun with a group of queer people or been kissed on the mouth (not to be gay), but I am unfortunately feeling quite bored.

I think part of the problem is that I am not particularly thrilled by the Bachelor himself.

It’s true that I am often not thrilled by the Bachelor himself, nor straight men in general, but unfortunately Locky and I are just not a good match. Yes it’s true that he seems nice and is very tall and blokey and is literally Mr Incredible.

But that’s just not enough for me thus far. I understand why all these qualities, such as ‘tall’, would have suitors in the house and outside of the house frothing for him, but sadly it is just not stimulating to my little gay brain. But that’s okay, we can’t have everything!

In this episode we at least sort of started heading in the right direction, by implementing female friendship and women playing sports, so let’s see how it goes.

LEAST ANNOYING

Areeba

Sorry, but if you hate Areeba and want her to leave the show, you are absolutely deranged and my mortal enemy.

Areeba is the bright spot in this show, and without it we would have nothing. She is obviously there for “the wrong reasons”, which means she is there to be entertaining and not get Locky as her husband. And that, to me, is actually the only good and correct reason.

I can’t even remember a time when this woman spoke to Locky, if she ever has, but her smile that lights up when she is trying to get under the skin of some of the other (annoying) women is sustaining me.

I think that she is playing the perfect ‘villain’. She’s very smart, she’s not taking it all too seriously, she is self-aware, and she’s funny. I want to be her friend, and also be slightly scared of being her friend.

This entire episode was her basically her taking joy in ‘stirring the pot’, or as it’s known on The Bachelor, ‘stirring the YouFoodz’.

 

Friendship

That’s right, Areeba is on the least-annoying list a second time! Don’t @ me. She is here because she is part of a friendship group along with Kristina, Juliette, and now seemingly the blonde intruder woman. Yes, the letter writing drama from the last episode was a bit annoying, but this episode featured them making up, and it was really funny and sweet.

Basically Kristina and Areeba went to talk to Juliette, Juliette apologised again and Areeba said things to camera like “I know i’m being a bitch” and “Juliette is crazy… but I love crazy.”

Then they accepted the apology, and Areeba made Juliette kiss her hand, which is hilarious, Kristina said “kiss my foot” and Juliette did, and the girls were back in town yeet haw!!!!!

They were all obviously so happy to be friends again, and later at the cocktail party they worked together to make sure that Juliette got time with Locky, because Areeba was looking out for what she calls “my girls”, and sorry, but hook that shit directly in my veins.

It is just so much more fun to watch this little crew hang out than to watch Locky talk to a woman on a couch, and the little glimpse we got was more entertaining than the rest of the show combined.

Football

Usually these kinds of group dates are annoying and very “how cute, making women do men stuff” but I have to say I wasn’t annoyed by this! I think it’s because, for once, Locky’s DESPERATION to have a partner who loves to GIVE IT A GO and HAVE A CRACK actually makes it seem sincere that he loved when the women started going really hard.

Anyway it was raining and muddy, and competitive Roxi and P.E teacher Charley had it out for each other, which was fun. Charley at one point absolutely smashed Roxi in a tackle they replayed several times so we could hear the full effect of the “OOOFFF” sound.

It was funny!

MOST ANNOYING

Roxi

After the gridiron game, Locky got to choose one player he believed to have been MVP to take on a date, and he chose Roxi. She had been very competitive, and given it a red hot go (which as established, he loves).

Similarly I think to Abbie in Matt Agnew’s season, Locky is evidently extremely horny for Roxi, and they have lots of physical chemistry. He constantly talks about her sex appeal, and she makes him all hot and sweaty, and this vein pops out in his head.

Unfortunately Roxi doesn’t quite have the charm and personality of Abbie, and oftentimes just comes off sounding mean. She often calls the other women ‘silly bitches’ or little bitches’ and at one point said about Charley and the football game “oh my god, go suck a dick.” It might not have been intended as such, but it felt homophobic to me!

This is compounded by the fact that for some reason I just feel like Roxi has a queer vibe, and it’s annoying that she is (seemingly) straight. I think she would be cooler if she were queer, just a theory I have. About everyone.

Also the main part of their date was Roxi telling Locky that she’d had a ‘naughty’ dream about him, which simultaneously had the boring elements of having to listen to someone describe their dream, combined with the element of listening to someone describing their dream as ‘naughty’, which is gross. No thank you to all of that.

After their date, Roxi also got progressively more annoyed and frustrated about other women having dates after her, calling it ‘disrespectful’, evidently having acquired a concussion and memory loss during the football game that made her forget she was on the television show The Bachelor. But it did give us Areeba taking special delight in stirring up Roxi, so it was all worth it in the end.

LOCKY SAYING LOCKY

Locky seems like a nice enough guy, but yet again I must insist that the name ‘Locky’ does not belong to a grown man, especially one who is Mr Incredible.

Now, I could forgive this if we simply heard the name ‘Locky’ once or twice an episode, perhaps from the host of the show or the women talking about him. But unfortunately for whatever reason, Locky loves to say the word ‘Locky’ and we are forced to hear it approximately seven million times per episode.

The women on this show not only have to compete with each other, they have to compete with Locky’s beautiful life partner, Adventure. Locky and Adventure are looking for a unicorn, the third in the relationship.

The women have to be ready at any point in time to show up to what they think is a nice date, only to be confronted with climbing off the side of a cliff, or sailing a boat, or skinning a camel and sleeping in its bladder for the night, or whatever else we are going to be faced with in upcoming episodes.

And they simply MUST give these annoying heterosexual events a go, and not instead go back to bed and watch Netflix, which is something I can’t relate to.

But even worse is that Locky calls these dates the “Locky Twist” and he said that several times during this episode. Additionally he also says things like “Settle down Locky!” when he is too aroused by Roxi, and various other sentences featuring his own name. Referring to yourself in the third person is annoying enough, but when your name is Locky, it simply must feature on this “most annoying” list.

And that’s my very own “Locky Twist.”

NEVER TO ANNOY AGAIN

Nobody went home this episode, so everyone is in contention to yet again annoy me! Good luck to all the players.

So that is it for another episode, not much happened, perhaps more will happen in tomorrow night’s episode. Dear Patrick Lenton will be back to take you through that, please god I hope something happens, for all of our sakes.

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The Bachelor airs on Channel 10 Wednesday and Thursday nights, and Junkee will be recapping both episodes.

Rebecca Shaw is the co-host of the very regular comedy podcast Bring A Plate. She tweets @brocklesnitch