All The Heterosexual Nonsense I Was Forced To Endure During Episode 13 Of ‘The Bachelor’

Hello, and welcome to Junkee’s recaps of The Bachelor, where we watch episodes of The Bachelor Australia and try to pretend we’re OK with all the hetero nonsense we see in front of us.

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We’re almost at the finale, can you believe how fast this season has gone (hahahahahahahhaahaha i want to die, this show never ends)? But first, hometowns. Homo-towns. Homeowners. Hermione Grangers.

The hometowns episodes of The Bachelor are just never as dramatic as the show wants you to think.

Like, has a stodgy dad ever stood up and said “get AWAY from my daughter! Stop drinking my low calorie beers! Get a real job!”

No, they haven’t because that would be insane. Has a shrewd-eyed mother ever clacked her nails on the table and been like “I don’t trust you, nor your gender”, and cast him out of her tastefully appointed living room? No. Unfortunately, no.

Instead, we sit through a bunch of mildly polite dinners, until someone — usually a “Jimbo” type, the flat-haired brother, or perhaps a “Chrastingle”, the small-handed brunette best friend — is coached into asking a few “hard questions”, which they sweat through until the Bachy finishes staring into the middle-distance and reciting the word “connection”, and then everyone loves each other.

The music shifts throughout this arc.

Or we often get Bilb or Borb or Dorble, a very small father, whose moustache bristles with unease every time a camera falls on him.

This whole episode is just full of grumpy dads and ridiculous brothers pretending like they have any say over their sister/ a modicum of control over a universe that spins chaotically out of their reach every day, and makes them seem small and insignificant. Anyway, it’s both boring and stupid and insulting. The only people whose opinion I care about are world-weary mothers or perhaps extremely stern grandmothers who care, in their own way, about making sure the family name is treated with dignity, and that the crumbling manor does not get sold to someone with new money. WHATEVER.

Really the only good thing about hometowns is seeing The Bachelor walk around other people’s houses, which is unnatural, like seeing a giraffe on a skateboard. Will he break something? Does he know what cups are? What will he do next?

But because of COVID, we were deprived even that joy, and instead had to sit through four awkward family gatherings in some random house.

Hi, my name is Patrick Lenton, and when I was born a witch prophesied that I would spend a surprising amount of time watching other people smooch each other, and getting pissed off by it. And she was right! With my good friend and bad colleague Bec Shaw (when Bec was born, a witch prophesied that she’d be GREAT and she was right), we recap The Bachelor Australia together, because if we don’t, this boat will explode!

Anyway, this episode was hometowns, and it was so long and unnecessary, like a hallway that used to exist at my school. If you went to my school, you might appreciate this reference, but for everyone else, just imagine a long and unnecessary hallway. In a school.

Let’s rank.

LEAST ANNOYING

Izzy

Look, not a lot happened in this episode, so I was unreasonably delighted when Izzy a) laughed a lot at nothing and b) was mildly horny.

We haven’t had much horniness this season, and that’s a shame, but Izzy was all “come and do some yoga, take off your shirt, and put on these tight pants”.

“At least give me something good to look at if what you’re doing is complete rubbish,” she says, and that frankly, is a mood for this entire episode. Take your shirt off, you tall glass of yoghurt.

But it was also very funny when her trip through hornyville was abruptly derailed by Locky’s third nipple.

“WHAT IS THAT????” she says, breaking the mood, literally flicking it.

But even funnier is that she got all weirdly flustered by the presence of the third nipple, and made a weird un-intuitive leap, hoping that Locky therefore wasn’t also looking for a girl with a third nipple “because it ain’t me!” she protests.

I don’t think there’s any rule that people with three nipples hope to meet others of their ilk, unless they maybe are hoping to give birth to someone with six nipples, like a cat.

Izzy’s Commune Witch Mothers

Izzy bought her three mums who live in a commune and practice feminism and cast spells.

I am editorialising. One was a cousin. But clearly all three were very powerful.

Anyway, they were great, they were having a great time. They were way too soft on Locky when they tried to grill him on feminism — it looked like he was sweating for a while, but then he was like “yes, I plan to support my wife’s career” and all the witches were like “hoorah! A prince amongst men!”

The bar for men is so low, which I suppose I should just take advantage of, idk.

ANYWAY, I thought Locky managed to pull the wool over their eyes, but then at the last moment, the grand witch tried to hit Locky up for some sperm, which is CLEARLY for feminist spells, and we love to see it.

Irena

Irena and Locky went for a WALK. I’m no Irena truther like Bella, I genuinely believe the woman can, and has, hiked — and even worse, I believe she will hike again.

But, she was like “let’s hike” and then went for a gentle walk to a waterfall. If that’s a hike, then you might as well call me Johnny Hiker, the king of hiking, because baby I’ve apparently hiked a lot.

Anyway, they had a nice time. The smooched in a waterfall, but they should have stuck to the rivers and the lakes that they’re used to.

Then her family got stuck in Melbourne lockdown (HORRIBLE MOOD) which made me feel a lot of feelings towards her, many of which were sympathetic.

I have no doubt she feels grateful for my hard won sympathies.

Anyway, they did a Zoom meeting with the family, which made my brain shut down from the gentle nightmare nature of it all.

More sympathies from me, Patrick Lenton.

MOST ANNOYING

Bec

I have nothing against Bec, she seems a perfectly cromulent young lady, with fine prospects, but…

Why is she at hometowns? She’s so new to the show, barely anyone knows her. Franky, she’s so young, she doesn’t even know herself! Makes for bad hometowns, it was like taking someone to meet your family on a first date. Bad.

Also — Locky sucked at standup paddleboarding, in much the same way that he sucked at yoga, and it makes me think he has a super weak core, which is useful for both endeavours. Not to brag, but my core is very strong (in comparison to my weak arms, legs, and morals).

Am… am I the jock now?

Bella

Look. Look. I’m not enjoying this whole trip with Bella, and I think we all know that. We all know that! Not only have I not enjoyed the cut of her jib, I think maybe there’s problems with the jib itself. We’re going to need a bigger jib. Hahah wtf is a jib! This show has been going for so long.

But during the montage of them cooking — where she stated that “the fastest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach” (wrong, if you are strong enough, the fastest way is by cracking open the rib cage with your hands), they attempted to do the Lady and the Tramp kiss with a piece of pasta.

“Cute, I’ve always wanted to do that” gushes Bella afterwards. It was not cute, actually. It was bad. And that’s no shade to them — the only people who can safely recreate that kiss is other dogs. Imagine thinking you are cuter than KISSING DOGS. Impossible comparison.

That said, I did enjoy how brutal it was when Bella said “I do love you, you know” and he said “thanks”.

Anyway. The Bachelor finale tomorrow, Bec Shaw will be recapping it, then we will have a holiday.

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The Bachelor airs on Channel 10 Wednesday and Thursday nights, and Junkee will be recapping both episodes.

Patrick Lenton is the Editor of Junkee. He tweets @patricklenton.