All The Heterosexual Nonsense I Was Forced To Endure During Episode 12 Of ‘The Bachelor’

Hello, and welcome to Junkee’s recaps of The Bachelor, where we watch episodes of The Bachelor Australia and try to pretend we’re OK with all the hetero nonsense we see in front of us.

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Hello again to you, my precious rubies and jewels (ethically sourced). We are really getting to the pointy end of this season, by which I mean I am pointing at the screen saying “ok i’ve had enough of this!”

Along with my trusty co-recapper Patrick Lenton (the long neck of a giraffe imbued with gossip and spite), we have ridden the highs and lows of this rollercoaster of a season. Please keep in mind this analogy has now been updated to reflect 2020, where rollercoasters are just sitting in empty theme parks, and therefore having no lows or highs, and instead are simply a steady and straight horizontal line. I’m doing fine, and i’m actually thriving!

There are so few women left in the show now that I miraculously recognise them all as different people, and in this ep, Locky could just show up with some groceries to make breakfast for everyone. My two observations about this were that the sun made Locky seemed like a scary Santa Claus figure who had smashed his way into the house with his jaw.

And that when asked what he was going to make them for breakfast, he looked at a box for a long time before figuring out it was coffee.

Besides anything else, this episode 100% cemented what we already know: the race for Locky’s heart, under his chest tattoo, is down to two. It’s Irena v Bella. It’s the classic tale. It’s a story as old as time. It’s Good vs Probably Also Fine.

It’s Denim v Leather.

Choose your fighter!

Let’s rank!

LEAST ANNOYING

Irena

In this house, we are Team Irena!! Not literally, nobody else in my queer sharehouse in Sydney cares, but that means I get to decide on the behalf of this house, and I have decided it’s Irena!! This is a complicated feeling. On one hand, I think Irena and Locky are a terrible match, and she can do better. On the other hand, I think this about lots of straight couples. On the other hand (yes I have three hands do not body shame me), Irena will be happy if Locky chooses her, and I want her to be happy.

So, we are Team Irena…Gets What She Wants, Even If We Think It’s Ultimately Bad.

The episode did start out on a high for her, when Locky appeared and it just so happened that he and Irena had accidentally sort of matched outfits. This gave Locky and Irena +15 “queer points” and put them ahead of the pack.

Irena opened up in this episode about how in her past relationships, her boyfriends have always gone on to marry the woman that they date immediately after her. This has apparently happened to her several times, and she spoke about how upsetting it is, and how insecure and pathetic it has made her feel. This was sad to hear, and also exactly the plot of the 2007 film Good Luck Chuck, starring Dane Cook and Jessica Alba.

We often hear from women in these shows about their past and the terrible ways they have been treated, and it happens in this episode when Irena tells Locky that he is “always making sure I’m OK, i’ve never had that before.” Oh cool, this beautiful and smart woman feels like Locky is special because he “makes sure she is okay.” That’s great, I’m glad Locky does that, but JESUS CHRIST that is depressing to hear, and PEAK heterosexual nonsense. Let’s all aim higher, everybody.

I am also not sure if the television show The Bachelor is the best place to go if you find the idea of a man proposing to a woman directly after dating you triggering, but I guess we all have our own decisions to make and paths to travel!

Also endearing her to me in tonight’s ep, was when Bella came back with a rose from her solo date with Locky, and Irena looked mad and in turn, really hot. Sorry!!  It’s good to me when women look like they want to spit on me!

Then when the rose ceremony came down to her and Kaitlyn, and she was given a rose, she immediately turned to Kaitlyn to hug her, and then held her hand through the elimination. This was 1) sweet and 2) gay.

TEAM IRENA.

Now, I can’t tell if Irena or Bella is going to win this thing, both making Locky tear up this episode with how emotional he feels towards them.

I do have a sinking feeling it might be Bella, but I am really hoping that Irena can pull out the victory, simply because I don’t want to see her be sad on my computer.

IZZY

Unfortunately, there is no possible way that Izzy is making it to the end of this show. But it doesn’t matter! The woman is a true delight, I think she’s having a bit of fun with the whole thing, and we love to see it. She laughed throughout her one-on-one with Locky, she laughed when she said “I love love” and she laughed when she got a rose.

We love our laughing queen, and I absolutely cannot wait to see if she giggles and laughs her way through being sent home.

MOST ANNOYING

Locky Talking About Bella’s Eyes

Look, Bella is a beautiful Disney princess looking woman, we can all agree. And this show is meant to be about a woman and man finding love, so they are going to talk about each other’s good qualities from time to time. But in this ONE EPISODE alone, Locky said these things about Bella’s eyes:

• “God, those big eyes”
• “Every time I look at those damn big brown eyes I just get lost”
• “I just get lost in those big brown bloody eyes”
• “How can a pair of eyes do that to ya?”
• “And I normally like blue eyes!”
• “Big brown doe eyes that melt ya heart”

That is six to seven too many things to say about Bella’s eyes. These weren’t surrounded by him discussing other things about her, the only thing he talked about were her eyes. She has nice eyes! Nobody is disputing that! But please stop talking about her eyes. It somehow seemed more unsettling to me than if he were talking about her breasts that much.

I’m not saying it was on purpose, but when she told him that she was falling in love with him (oh yeah that happened), he went to kiss her and I’m pretty sure was aiming for her eye. No judgement, just wear protection (goggles).

I don’t think Locky is saying all of that that in order to pretend he isn’t gay, but it did very much remind me of this TikTok that I demand you watch right now, to know that I am right, and also funny.

Round brown hair pic.twitter.com/OP5fkOqMHr

— Bec Shaw (@Brocklesnitch) July 13, 2020

Bella

I am Team Irena, and therefore I am not Team Bella.

Bella made a big song and dance this episode about ignoring Irena, and ignoring drama, and just prioritising Locky, and it’s a bit like — babe, lots of the drama has been started by you. I thought the drama of last night, and Bella trying to dob on Irena meant that she was out of the running to win this thing, but tonight’s episode was edited in a way that made me think they were pumping her back up to win.

This is because Locky and Bella had a date where they smashed a plate and then repaired it so that it “was stronger and more beautiful than before.” Wow. I can only imagine the “Obvious Metaphors Producer” at the show took the rest of the day off after writing that up on the whiteboard.

Bella and Locky really made sure to spend a lot of time throughout this activity, and afterwards, making sure we understood that the plate symbolised their relationship and the fights they have. They even went as far as to have a conversation about how fights are good actually and a healthy relationship needs them. I’m not saying this is wrong, but it was so clearly meant to be a message to the audience. And message received, loud and clear! The couple having fights already is actually a BETTER match than the couple who are just having a nice easy time. Gotcha.

Anyway, Bella told him she loved him, he teared up, she got a rose. It was fine.

The “Toasts”

All the women were forced to write Locky emotional and personal ‘toasts’ about him and their history together and their futures, and I hated it! It was so awkward, especially because they had to do it while the OTHER WOMEN WATCHED ON A SCREEN.

Look, I know they are all being watched all of the time on many screens around the country, but knowing that the other women who are also close to Locky are watching you say vulnerable and intimate things to him made me want to throw up from awkwardness. I think this probably impacted how deep they got, because they all just said fairly boring platitudes.

Bella said a few things like “home doesn’t have to be a place, it can be a person”, making me think she’d just googled “ROMANTIC SPEECH, HETERO?” It was like an extremely bad open mic night for poetry, and I did NOT enjoy watching.

NEVER TO ANNOY AGAIN

Kaitlyn

I really liked Kaitlyn! She was good value this season as a late entry, and I found her to be charming and funny. She’s going to be fine! Best wishes.

So that’s it! Now we are down to the final four, and it’s hometown visits! By which I mean, everyone’s families are coming to the bachelor house. The promo shows someone ask Locky about feminism, and I am absolutely DYING to see that conversation.

Tune in for that, Australia’s Biggest Feminist Patrick Lenton will be back to take you through it. And then it’s the FINALE, babies.

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The Bachelor airs on Channel 10 Wednesday and Thursday nights, and Junkee will be recapping both episodes.

Rebecca Shaw is the co-host of the very regular comedy podcast Bring A Plate. She tweets @brocklesnitch