All The Heterosexual Nonsense I Was Forced To Endure During The Final Episode Of ‘The Bachelor’

Hello, welcome back to Junkee’s recaps of The Bachelor Australia, where we watch episodes of The Bachelor Australia and try to pretend we’re OK with all the nonsense we see in front of us.

Can you believe it’s over? Can the knowledge of just how over this show is actually trickle through the old sponge that used to be your brain? It’s the final episode of The Bachelor for this season, can the significance of what this means actually impact your shrivelled, raven’s soul???? Can you even handle the FINALITY of this nonsense?

I should be crying from relief, but all I feel is a vast echoing relief, like a cold gust of air in a giant echoing warehouse space — and all the DJs have flapped back to their garbage strewn nests. Finally I am free.

So, the first thing we need to report is that I have been struck down with the worst of all the heterosexual nonsense: pharyngitis. That’s right, straight people invented acute bacterial throat infections, and it laid me low. My very lovely GP gave me the premium drugs, and also told me that she read these recaps, so hello doctor! Thank you! I was in so much pain.

To be honest, I’m still pretty shattered — but I dragged my stinking carcass into work so I could write this for you. Please, don’t call me a hero.

But let’s just say that the only thing that could top the manic energy, the high octane depression energy of these recaps, is having one foot sinking into the grave, to have the spectre of death hovering behind me, and reaching around to jerk me off with his icy and inexorable skellington hand, to channel the manky vibes of pestilence and decay.

I’m not well!

Last episode, my partner in crime (more like partner in WINE, amiright, oh helen you’re such a wildcard), the beautiful and astonishingly talented Rebecca Shaw, oversaw the penultimate episode, and the unceremonious farewelling of Helena. Bye Helena — definitely the best dressed from this entire shitshow. Definitely has the best potential ASMR career. Definitely has the most French father.

But we’re here, the ending, where Matt gets to choose between his final two blonde girlfriends: his sweet, pretty, boring, low-confidence science bride, or his hot, sexually confident, 23-year-old, Gemini gorl.

Who will he choose! Lol, of course you already know. Whatever. Let’s rank.

Least Annoying

Abbie

I’ve been an Abbie stan since day 1: this girl is powerful, confident, horny as a devil and rightfully unashamed about it, and knows how to play the game! We did NOT deserve her.

Like honestly, the varieties of slut shaming that have been levelled at Abbie have more layers than an ogre– it’s FUCKED.

The courier mail just pedestrian for dickhead out of touch boomers now? pic.twitter.com/WV2Cby8Bdz

— THE BRAH DAWG (@brah_dawg) September 20, 2019

What fuckery is this ^^^?????

Like, shouldn’t we be horny in a new relationship? What kind of Victorian era primness are we still holding on to, where this kind of vitriol at someone being all hot and bothered about a hot science boy is normal? And you better believe this is a gendered thing, and it’s fucked. I hate it.

This narrative is also very much on the show — she was given a villain’s edit from day one, and it was honestly one of their more effective ones. She was extremely funny and personable, and honestly didn’t need to be done that way. It just helped serve the story. You’re all buying into it! Investigate your feelings!

“Ah, but she’s manipulative” you say — maybe. But mostly other women on the show came for her — and every time they did (Ellie, Sogand, Monique) she was the one left standing. As someone with a lot of enemies, I respect that. And a lot of the narrative about why they came for her, was weird internalised behaviour policing. Urgh! Everyone on this show is Sex Cops, who will arrest you if you are too horny!

Anyway — Abbie and Matt had a strong physical game, and the kind of genuine connection that I think you’d want after dating that long. I really thought they enjoyed each other’s company. But in South Africa, first she has to go and hang out with Matt’s unfriendly friend, whose name I forget because my brain is on fire from disease, and it’s pretty dire. I dunno. She’s like “what do you and Matt have in common” and it’s like… genitals that want to be mashed together? Get off my case, mum!

Then they went on a helicopter, and it was very South African tourism of it all. Whatever.

Then, they did a very Lion King style crowning, faux wedding, breakup situation, and Abbie walked in looking ABSOLUTELY STUNNING. That eyeliner is ridiculous. And then Matt tries to break it off gently with her.

And the fury. In her immaculate eyes. Made me scream.

Matt basically flipped her Gemini sides, from the genial, flirty hornbag, over to the vindictive tempest. And she did not let him get off lightly — holding his gaze, asking him why, before storming away through the long grass, demanding to be taken home. Iconic!

Then, in the car on the way home, she went through the entire gamete of breakup emotions in like 10 minutes — denial, rage, sadness, more rage.

Honestly, I wanted her to win purely because she’s put in a LOT of work, and hard work deserves reward. I wanted them to fuck. Even though I wouldn’t see it, I can imagine the entirety of Australia would have felt a moment of collective catharsis. WHATEVER.

Abbie is forever our queen.

Most Annoying

Chelsie

Look, honestly, I was dreading having to watch Chelsie get rejected, because this sad gorl has been through a lot.

She is SAD, she has perpetual energy of my dog Ernest, who has separation anxiety, and also is a dog, so has no real understanding of how time works. Her heart has been broken a lot. It would have been devastating to watch that happen again on national television.

So, I guess I’m happy for her.

I don’t get their connection — they basically just told each other how similar they are, which, narcissism aside, consisted of some really bad maths centred dates. She’s sweet! She’s pretty! Her face doesn’t move much! There’s nothing to dislike. She has no vitriol from me. I just didn’t particularly get this romance. Whatever.

She seemed to have a perfectly polite time with Matt’s friends– which, btw, where did his family go???? Whatever.

Then they went and made out in a pool, and honestly, this nerd boy loves to get wet and smooch a girl.

Then, as the sun set over the South Africa (TM) he gave her a chonky ring and told her that he loved her, and her reaction was: flabbergasted.

She seemed genuinely bewildered that he chose her, and I think a lot of that is her SEVERE confidence issues — gorl needs to Eat Pray Love, go throw her shoes at Oprah or whatever, learn to love herself etc. But also maybe she too was confused. Who knows.

Happy for them! Hope to never see them again!

Never To Annoy Or Not Annoy Again

This fucking show!!!!! EAT MY BUTTHOLE!!!!!

And, unlike in previous years, me and Rebachelor Shaw get longer than a week before the TRUE horror of The Bachelorette starts, so we get to rest, regain our energy and our vitriol before we start again. And omg, think about how MEAN and ANNOYED we will be at a mansion full of (majority) STRAIGHT MEN. AAAAARGH.

We shall ruin those bozos.

Thanks for coming along on this terrible ride, we genuinely appreciate it and love you all. Now, let’s all go and do something else with our lives for a while.

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Patrick Lenton is the Entertainment Editor at Junkee. He tweets @patricklenton. He is taking ONE antibiotic TWICE a day for TEN days.