All The Heterosexual Nonsense I Was Forced To Endure During Episode 7 Of ‘The Bachelor’

Read tonight’s recap of The Bachelor Australia episode 8 here!

Hello, welcome back to Junkee’s recaps of The Bachelor Australia, where we watch episodes of The Bachelor Australia and try to pretend we’re OK with all the nonsense we see in front of us.

Oh my god has it been a week already? So much has happened. Or has absolutely literally nothing happened, and I am trapped in a Black Mirror episode where I am stuck in my office at my desk tapping away at the keyboard while the rest of the world moves on without me??? I guess we’ll never know!

I have also never seen one second of a Black Mirror episode, but will that stop me referencing Black Mirror every chance I get?

Let me answer my own question with another question: I have never dated a man, but has that stopped me recapping a heterosexual dating show and judging everyone’s thoughts and actions based on my own experiences and viewpoints? Heck no, me!

And it shall not. I listen to Lizzo, you can’t tell me what to do!

I assume that like me, you are all still recovering from the events of last week, feeling the aftershocks of the DogCunt episodes. This season of The Bachelor will now be known by BCD and ACD, Before DogCunt and AfterDogCunt.

Just like Jesus or whomever did in the bible :)

So, will tonight’s episode be BCD or will it be ACD? Will ACDC make an appearance? Does Matt have BDE? We will all have to find out together.

I personally can’t imagine that we would have moved on from DC yet, considering Monique left because of it last episode, and considering how much every single person wants to talk about it, including many people in my life who do not watch The Bachelor.

But truly I am finding it hard to care, about the show, about the women, about Matt’s happiness, or the inevitable end of the world, now that beautiful angel Vakoo has gone.

Look, okay. Was Vakoo sweet and good and my new best friend? Yes. As well as that, was her date with Matt incredibly awkward and sort of made me want to die? Also yes.

Her and Matt are not a good match, and that’s FINE. Not everyone can be! Matt is not a one-size-fit-all man, and Vakoo is not blonde! It never really stood a chance. But it IS time to bring back Australia’s Next Top Model so Vakoo can star and/or host, whatever she wants.

Do I need to start a Change-dot-org petition? I’ll do it!

So, what will tonight bring to our lives? Everyone is sad Vakoo is gone, some people are very mad at Abbie for Monique leaving, emotions are running high, I’m hungry and trapped in a Black Mirror episode, so who knows what the hell is going to happen.

I just hope tonight’s episode doesn’t involve looking at heterosexual feet, or the insides of oyster’s reproductive systems. Let’s also hope that some people annoy me, or I won’t be able to rank everyone on how annoyingly heterosexual they are.

I have a feeling it will be ok, let’s get into it.

LEAST ANNOYING
HELENA

I don’t know if it’s just Helena’s smooth Helen Hunt/Murphy Brown voice that is music to my ears and sort of makes me understand why people are into ASMR, but I thought she wasn’t annoying this episode.

She doesn’t trust or like Abbie and talks to Sogand about her, but she was also very compassionate to Bree and wanting her to have opportunity with Matt, and being concerned that Bree’s confidence might be shot.

Most of all however she doesn’t want any of the bullshit to play out in front of Matt, and as someone who would rather run into traffic than have confrontation, I relate!

She also had amazing outfits, giving me Grandma Yetta from The Nanny at one point..

And then some wonderful pastels I loved!

Overall a pleasant sensory experience!

NIKKI

I am as shocked as you are! Assuming the level of shocked you are is: extremely.

Literally most of the way through this episode I had Nikki on the most annoying list for things like:

When Osher said someone would need to take a blindfold on their solo date she said “Wow, fifty shades of Matt” and everyone laughed so much even though that’s not really a joke.

 

At one point she also said “Abbie is more full of shit than the lactose intolerant people in here” and everyone laughed at THAT so much.

Anyway, unfortunately I had to do a complete reversal when at the “live” cocktail party it came down to her and one other woman as to who might get the final rose, and her vulnerabilities really came out.

She is awkward and covers up her awkwardness with dumb jokes and said tearfully “I just can’t believe this person might actually like me” about herself and Matt and very much IS literally me, turns out!!

See, this MUST be Black Mirror!

RACHAEL

Rachael was in this episode only briefly but was very funny when talking about Emma, saying “I’ve noticed Emma gets quite giddy around Matt, and genuinely has like the eye emojis, the two hearts.”

Funny! Also, she dressed like Where’s Wally!

More of this!

MOST ANNOYING

SOGAND

Sogand, Sogand, Sogand. Why are you doing this to me, I like you!

Sogand is VERY mad at Abbie for reasons I cannot quite parse. I can understand being annoyed with Abbi, she has received a lot of attention from Matt, and it’s probably frustrating. But to get so mad at someone for playing the game, when you are in the game, is in my opinion, and excuse my French: silly!

Of COURSE Abbie is telling Matt what he wants to hear, because that’s what you do when you want someone to like you, and also when you want a man to choose you in a televised dating competition show.

And blaming Abbie for Bree going home is really unfair. Yes, the two of them competed for a rose and Abbie won it, but Bree also could have received one of seven to twelve other roses if Matt wanted her to have one.

I would NEVER dream to tell a woman what to do, but if you could wrap this up by next week I’d appreciate it thank you!

ABBIE

TWIST!! Abbie is also on my most annoying list this week, for the first time ever.

The DC shenanigans from last time are still in my mind, but that isn’t what ticked me off this week. I’m sure the editors (heroes of comedy) have had a great time this week using Abbie’s words and actions to turn her into more of a villain, but she still is saying and doing those things.

I just don’t like arrogance, and unfortunately Abbie came off that way this week.

I did however absolutely love Abbie saying things like “I’m actually like horrible at lying” and “I literally like cannot lie” because those are both clearly lies that people say when they are very good at lying. Delightful.

I still think the ganging up on her is unfair, but the Most Annoying list is a fickle mistress and this week she landed on it. Sorry not sorry!

EMMA

Emma….please find your nearest pharmacy and ask them for a quick-acting pack of Chill Pills. Take the entire thing.

Look, I was very happy for Emma to finally get her single date, it’s about time. But the date itself was just peak heterosexual nonsense from the moment she arrived. She wore a dress with HEARTS, and played with her RINGS, and we get it, we absolutely get it, have seven more chill pills.

She was so excited about EVERY! SINGLE! THING! And it was all just a BIT! MUCH! She was excited when she arrived and they “matched”, meaning they were both wearing clothes. She was SO EXCITED when they entered the room and saw a weird table.

Then they did a thing that was the most heterosexual nonsense i’ve seen in a minute, by blindfolding each other and having the other person feed them bits of what turned out to be truffles and chocolate cake, while sexy bass guitar music played underneath the scene.

Actually this was horny

NO heterosexuals! This is not sexy! None of this was sexy whatsoever! 50 Shades is not sexy!!! I’m sorry you don’t know what you are doing! I feel bad for you I really do! Try being gay! It’s great!

Anyway, they then went and sat on a couch and Emma declared her undying love for him and said that her heart literally melts every minute she’s with him, and other painful sounding statements. She said, “You mean the world to me” and they have had like two dates.

Matt, who loves when women talk about how much they like him, absolutely lapped this up.

He then gave her a gift based on a thing she said to him on the red carpet in episode one that really resonated with him, which was “I love being in love.” Yeah no shit, who doesn’t? It’s famously good! Emma, your statement “Oxygen is vital” really struck a chord with me.

Anyway he had the WAV file of her love thing put on a piece of wood or something, I don’t know.

Emma was very touched by this, to the point that she couldn’t control it and started crying a lot!

And look, it was a nice gift, and it’s not annoying that she liked it.

What is annoying is that she said “this is the most beautiful thing anyone has ever done for me” and that IS annoying, but not because of Emma. Putting aside the fact Matt almost certainly had nothing to do with planning the date or the gift, it’s annoying because the bar for straight men is SO! LOW!

This isn’t Emma’s fault.

I have no idea who she has dated in the past, but without a doubt it’s a bunch of average men who haven’t been that nice to her. All men have to do is give basic respect and a TINY amount of thoughtfulness to women and we treat them like GODS. Or in this case, like a SCIENCE GOD.

Society is so annoying! Anyway Emma and Matt kiss, heterosexuality is a disease, happiness isn’t real. But as the camera zoomed away from Matt and Emma kissing, it focused in on this to end the scene and I don’t know why, but I loved it.

Editors!

NEVER TO ANNOY OR NOT ANNOY AGAIN

BREE

I can’t say this is a sad loss for me, as I truly didn’t recognise her or know her name until the group date when someone wrote it on a blackboard!

Also just FYI I HATED that group date and having the women so clearly be forced to be mean to each other but oh well. I have no idea what Bree was doing on this show, and it seems neither did she, but I wish her well in the future.

So that’s it! Yet another episode of this show down.

Sadly there were no new and inventive swear words said over and over again, but we survived. Together. As a family.

And Daddy Patrick (sorry) will be with you tomorrow night to take you through the next episode, which will see Sogand and Abbie have another fight. Will it finally be the night that my dreams come true and those two realise they are fighting because they love each other, and perhaps they fall in love and smooch a bunch? Maybe! Can’t wait to find out!

See you next week my beautiful Bachelor-loving cherubs.

P.S The only thing that can make me happy is enjoying Magnum icecreams. We just love Magnum icecream, and when I am on a dating show competing for the love of a man and one of the other contestants doesn’t get a rose, the only thing that makes me happy is Magnum icecream.

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Rebecca Shaw is the co-host of the very regular comedy podcast Bring A Plate. She tweets @brocklesnitch