All The Heterosexual Nonsense I Was Forced To Endure During Episode 6 Of ‘The Bachelor’
In this episode, The Bachelor shoots flowers at his brides, and it's terrifying.
Hello, welcome back to Junkee’s recaps of The Bachelor Australia, where we watch episodes of The Bachelor Australia and try to pretend we’re OK with all the nonsense we see in front of us.
Ding dong bitches, this episode is so full of heterosexual bullshit, it’s basically a magazine called Cargo Pants & Destination Weddings.
I would read that magazine. I would be the editor. Kirsten Dunst would be on the front cover, smiling over her shoulder and wearing a wedding veil made out of camouflage netting, carrying an entire cooked turkey.
People were kicked out, people got voted out, food was wasted and there are people STARVING in some countries, oh my god.
Our ridiculously horny scientist baby, Matt, absolutely smooched some more women. He’s shameless for kissies, and that’s science, baby.
As my fellow The Bachelor recapper and literal Aussie icon, titan of comedy, and probable lesbian (i dunno, i just get that vibe????) Rebecca Shaw (Rebachelor Shaw, I’m going force this to be a thing) pointed out last episode, these episodes are too long. There’s too much going on, frankly. I’m over-stimulated, and I’m just a little boy!
Please consider this an open letter to halve this show into digestible 20 minute chunks!
But as we shuffle into this episode on our huge, tottering, stupid bitch shoes, for another hour of horny horror, we’re reminded that the Bachelor mansion is still reeling from the drama of last week, in which one blonde woman accused another blonde woman of calling The Mattchelor a “dog cunt” which, btw, has never made me more proud to be an Australian.
Our normalisation of pretty much all non-probbo swearing is our only national attribute I wear with pride, because all the rest of the stuff Australia is known for is heavily steeped in racism tbh.
So, as we go into our ancient tradition of ranking The Bachelor people by annoyingness, let us remember that the show is fucking CREAMING itself over the drama that they have 100% helped create.
OK, so they’ve hit the brakes a bit on Emma, who is meant to be the “crazy and possessive one”, and apart from a couple of shots of her saying “I’m jealous” and then cackling — in a way that is meant to imply that she’s joking, but we KNOW she’s not joking — she didn’t do much.
But one thing she did do, was during the insane “bridal bouquet slingshot” game, she got called out for “not even trying” to win. And you know what her answer was? ”
“There’s a gigantic puddle of mud!” And there was!
I respect that.
Speaking of the Bouquet Catapult.
Let’s just take a moment to remember that Osher is a pure sunshine boy, a lovely haircut that beams down from the heavens and blesses us all. He loves love, and he loves us.
Thats why when Sogand says “every time we see Osher, it’s never a good thing” I bristle! I bristle with indignation!
We simply must stan.
I think Ellie has a theory that Matt is a vampire. ““It’s a bit surreal seeing Matt in the daytime in the mansion, what’s going on, what’s he doing here?” she says. I like this.
Pure, sweet, perfect Vakoo.
She’s outlandishly beautiful, she insists on calling The Mattchelor “Matthew”, and she is simply too wholesome for this world.
One of the things I like most about her is that she’s always super confident. Last week when they did the photoshoot, she was like “watch me work my goddamn magic!” and this week, she felt like being shot at by a flower catapult was also in her skillset.
“I’m really confident about my bouquet catching abilities, so I think I’ve got this” she says, and guess what — she did. Ultimately, after a bunch of further fuckaround, she ended up on a single date with Matt, and it is genuinely the funniest and cutest thing.
Because she cannot stop laughing.
She just spends the entire time bursting into giggles, every time he opens his mouth to say something banal like “it’s nice to spend some time alone”.
At one point, he grunts “did you have fun today” and she actually spits all her wine on him. It’s PERFECT.
But, she did not get a rose or a kiss after that, because she literally couldn’t stop giggling.
This is still an Abbie stan account, sorry!
I just… really enjoy her. She’s an unrepentant liar, which I think is iconic. But I also think she doesn’t lie about anything important?
At one point, she is forced to put on a wedding dress, and answer questions to see if she gets the same answer as Matt. She literally goes from saying to the camera “Lol, weddings kinda mean nothing to me” to saying to Matt “I see myself being married with kids in five years” and it’s like, bitch, this is how you play the game?
Everyone just hates her because she is winning.
Ultimately, she ain’t blameless in this whole feud with Monique, it’s true. She absolutely did manipulate the situation to get rid of a rival, who is frankly, a piece of shit. I find that impressive.
But the show is ABSOLUTELY editing everything she does, to the point where they are poorly cutting shots of her laughing into reactions.
“Am I happy that Monique is gone? … (cut) well obviously – (cut) [her wearing a different dress, laughing]”
And she’s become the villain inside the mansion too, and that’s boring!
Wow, after two weeks of being on my least annoying, I’ve snapped towards Sogand!
First, she comes for my sweet boy Osher. Then she spends her entire time talking about how much Abbie is a liar, and she’s playing the game, and she came for Monique like a sack of bowling balls down a long cliff face. So what! Who cares! Let her live.
Cranky Matt! He’s all annoyed at the various hijinks of the ladies around him. He’s not mad, he’s disappointed! But also he’s mad.
But, he takes a break from striding around tutting incessantly and wagging his finger to take Chelsie out on a date. This is Chelsie’s first date! This is maybe the first time I’ve ever seen Chelsie, or at least seen her talk, but then I remember that she’s the chemical engineer, and that she probably brews all sorts of spooky science potions.
Anyway, Matt turns up in an orange jum-jum and it’s very cute. He looks cute. Then he decides to bake banana bread with Chelsie, because he thinks that cooking is like chemistry. Chelsie thinks that is very much a stupid idea!
“I love baking and I’m man enough to admit it” he says, and I have to sit down, my entire concept of gender roles thrown out the window. I was raised to believe that the man does not bake — a man’s job is to piss literally gallons of urine a day on various pine trees, in order to ward away other packs. I was raised by wolves, btw!
Then, and this is just the worst thing I’ve ever seen, they mash the uncooked food into each other’s faces, a flagrant waste of booth foodstuffs and symmetrically attractive faces! I hate it!
Meanwhile, Matt just talks so much about how hard and ready he is for Chelsie’s BBB — big beautiful brainbox.
“I find your intelligence very attractive, it’s such a turn on,” he says, and I want to vomit on my own dick!
“I have never met a scientist as hot as her” he says, cruelly destroying every scientist in the world.
ANYWAY, they smear each other with food, they go for a swim in a CLEARLY very cold pool, and then they get all grossly sexual. Don’t you know you can get pregnant if you get too excited in a pool? Chelsie doesn’t say much, but horny Matt loves that!
Urgh, it’s very hetero and annoying.
NEVER TO ANNOY OR NOT ANNOY AGAIN ON THE BACHELOR
Byeeeeee. Honestly, I am not sad. I am baffled that Matt felt like he had a connection with her?
I guess I’m going to miss her anecdotes about being in the mines, the Gimli of it all.
Genuinely sad for this pure and literal angel to leave, but also, that was absolutely the unsexiest date I’ve ever seen, and once I went on a date with a guy who apologised for having spilled curry on his pants, but then eventually revealed that he’d done the spilling the day before…
We wish you the best, Vakoo!
Join us again next week for Bec Shaw’s The Bachelor recap, and as always, as we always say, heterosexual love is gross and should be criminalised. Just kidding, but there should be a postal survey. Love you! Bonjour!
The Bachelor Australia plays on Channel Ten on Wednesday and Thursday Night.
Patrick Lenton is the Entertainment Editor at Junkee. He tweets @patricklenton.