All The Heterosexual Nonsense I Was Forced To Endure During Episode 5 Of ‘The Bachelor’

To read our Thursday night recap of The Bachelor Australia, click here!

Hello, welcome back to Junkee’s recaps of The Bachelor Australia, where we watch episodes of The Bachelor Australia and try to pretend we’re OK with all the nonsense we see in front of us.

Warning: If you read this recap you will be reading the C-word a bunch! Some people would pay good money to hear me say this word to them, if you are one of them, email me.

Hello friends, frenemies, enemies, commenters, people online who are annoying and don’t know it, fans of the Bachelor, fans of me, fans of reading, a cat that accidentally clicked on this walking across a keyboard, and others.

I hope you are all doing well!

It’s been a week since we were together last, did you miss me? I assume you are all screaming “YES!” and I refuse to think about it any further! I missed you too! Okay sure yes, every week I do message Junkee editor Patrick Lenton and say “how is this episode so long?” as if they aren’t the same length every week, and as if they are going to get shorter, and they never do! But that’s fine, life isn’t short, I have nothing better to be doing, I’m thrilled to be here.

So now. Are you READY? For THIS? EPISODE? I have no idea what’s going to happen, but I do know from the ads that the phrase “Dog Cunt” gets said multiple times!!! In some countries the phrase “cellar door” is said to be the most beautiful, but not here, in Australia, and certainly not on The Bachelor.

Here it is the phrase “Dog Cunt”. It really rolls off your tongue.

Cellar door ya dog cunt!

We are now ??? number of episodes into this series, it could be five, it could be one hundred, I have no clue, and things are getting HEATED. And by heated I mean VERY HORNY.

Straight people get overcome with desire and make out at parties inappropriately as well, it turns out. I simply love to learn these things about heterosexual culture!! Just call me David Atten-bored-and-rough, as I gaze over these vast fields of wild grazing heterosexuals, fascinated by their customs and mating practices.

Last week the Mattchelor did a lot of smooching with dear Abbie, and his glasses fogged up, which is how you can tell a nerd is turned on.

I can only imagine this week that everyone is fine with that, and supportive, and nobody gets mad, and certainly nobody would ever say the words “Dog Cunt” on television!

As always I will be ranking this heterosexual business based on who is most to least annoying, and I can only imagine the person who says “Dog Cunt” will make the list one way or another! Let’s go.

LEAST ANNOYING
KRISTEN

“Who” I hear you ask? Yes! That impulse and question would be correct! Kristen is a contestant on The Bachelor this season, the very show I am recapping, and I have simply never laid eyes upon her at any point in my entire life before tonight.

I exist, apparently!

Anyway good for her, she had some nice moments in this episode, by which I guess I mean she had moments.

In any case, she got a rose and I assume will feature again next week? Or perhaps she’s some sort of ghost that haunts that mansion, and had her wish to be able to be seen come true for one night only.

Most of you won’t get this reference because you’re too young, but just trust me that it’s BRILLIANT (don’t fact-check this).

ELLY

I know she didn’t feature much in this episode so you are probably wondering if it’s fair that she’s here, but guess what, this is my recap and I will be unfair if I want to! Ellie is not going to win but she is SO CUTE. Just look at her at the start of the episode, dressed in a full flanno.

Then when the drama at the cocktail party goes down, she says “if I were hermit crab i’d be back in my shell” and then acts out being a hermit crab.

It may be my sick and unfortunate fondness for people from the country and also improv performers, but what am I meant to do but put her on my list?

ABBIE

This may be controversial because Abbie was involved in the whole Dog Cunt drama, which was indeed very messy. Essentially Abbie heard Monique call Matt names, specifically ‘Disrespectful Pig’ and ‘Dog Cunt’, and dobbed her in to Matt.

Look, did she tell Mattchelor that Monique said bad things about him entirely out of the goodness of her heart? Probably not! But guess what, I don’t care.

I obviously refuse to buy into pitting women against each other, but also I’m on Abbie’s side, and I thank her for getting the phrase Dog Cunt onto my television so many times.

Also I genuinely laughed out loud so loudly when all the women were just bandying about the words and Matt said that he’d heard someone had called him a “Dog See You Next Tuesday”.

Just wonderful stuff.

Before all of the drama Matt and Abbie earlier had a really great date where they FINALLY tried to relate to us queers sitting alone watching this show.

And the pair went beyond their obvious physical connection where she told him about her past and her life, with her dad leaving her when she was a baby.

They do have a lot of chemistry! I think Abbie hurt her chances of winning by bringing all this Monique stuff up, but overall in the episode nobody was hurt as much as me having to watch her and Matt squish juice with their feet.

I would rather have watched them have full penetrative sex than to see that, thank you but no thank you.

Also, Matt went to feed Abbie a spoonful of that feet juice, and she was GOING TO DRINK IT. No man is worth drinking feet juice (unless that’s what you are into). Love yourself, ladies!

Also Abbie talking about Mon at the party is now going to be a meme I use in the future, please feel free to also do so.

I also hope she learns how to use a seatbelt before the next episode.

MOST ANNOYING
MONIQUE

Look Monique definitely said those things about Mattchelor, was mean to Abbie, and then lied about it when he asked if she had said those things.

She is not great! However, I did another huge laugh when she was talking to Rachael about the whole thing and she said “I don’t even use that word…pig” and Rachael responded “Nobody uses it. It’s 2019 babe, no one said that word.”

I had to scroll back to see if they were in fact talking about the c-word but they were not, they were talking about the word “pig”. You heard it here, pig is out. Offensive.

CASSANDRA

No, you don’t have deja vu, this is yet another woman that I have never laid eyes on before this evening. Except unlike Kristen (Kirsten?), she was mean and annoying and if she is a ghost she isn’t a friendly one!

MATT

Look, Matt is relatively fine, when comparing him to the other straight men that could be on this show. Does he obviously love blonde women, and soon the rose ceremony will have this vibe?

Yes. But he is endearing sometimes, especially when in this episode I almost became convinced that he is in fact a lesbian.

This is your aunt who is a lesbian and comes around Christmas and gives you a good gift.

During the episode he also is wearing some sort of lesbian hair-tie Ani Difranco looking bracelet. He just came from Woodford where he kissed a white woman with dreads, unfortunately :(

And finally, and most damning: He takes the group date to do a TRUTH CIRCLE.

That’s the most lesbian fucking thing i’ve ever seen, and i’ve seen lesbians having sex!

But the lesbian-ing wasn’t enough to save him because he also first made me watch the feet juice thing, and then he made me watch some extremely weird date with Helena where they did some weird heterosexual business to an oyster.

But really the most annoying thing was how he handled this whole situation. He talked about wanting honesty and getting to the bottom of things at the truth circle, but didn’t just ask the women.

He grabbed Abbie and Monique and made them sit there and duke it out together, which I thought was not great. And then his whole cranky dad lecturing the women was annoying..

especially because even after searching for answers topless….

And GETTING THE ANSWERS VERY CLEARLY, he still chose Monique to stay! Matt you messy, messy, bitch. That’s fine! Be a messy bitch, just don’t pretend you’re above it.

NEVER TO ANNOY OR NOT ANNOY AGAIN

So we say goodbye to Julia!

“What a dog cunt”

You were very cute, you said things like “I hope we do cool activities” and you wore this fun hat that reminds me of a train driver!

He does not choo-choo-choose you :(

Unfortunately somehow Matt likes you less than a thin blonde woman who called him a dog cunt!!! Better luck next time.

And better luck to all of us, I can’t wait to see where this show goes from here. We have ticked off an ‘dog cunt’ investigation five episodes in. Australian TV has peaked, TV in general has peaked, we will never be the same again.

Patrick will be recapping tomorrow night’s episode, and I will be free as a bird living my life.

The Bachelor Australia plays on Channel Ten on Wednesday and Thursday Night.

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Rebecca Shaw is the co-host of the very regular comedy podcast Bring A Plate. She tweets @brocklesnitch