All The Heterosexual Nonsense I Was Forced To Endure During Episode 13 Of ‘The Bachelor’
Perhaps the rumours are true... and men are morons?
Hello, welcome back to Junkee’s recaps of The Bachelor Australia, where we watch episodes of The Bachelor Australia and try to pretend we’re OK with all the nonsense we see in front of us.
Well folks, we are really getting to the pointy end of this thing! And by “this thing” I mean the physical world that we all inhabit with our gross slimy wet organ filled bodies.
That’s right, I’ve been thinking a lot about how the world is going to end soon due to the actions of human beings.
But (probably) before we end, this show The Bachelor will end, and our Mattchelor will have chosen the most perfect blonde woman for him to spend the rest of
the short time we all have left his life with. Look I can’t lie to you guys, this week has been hard in my real life, and I haven’t been sleeping much, and the last thing I have time or empathy for is a bunch of heterosexuals parading about spouting heterosexual nonsense, and tonight’s ep may in fact cause me to melt down.
OR maybe this is exactly what I need, gently sliding into a deep pool of nothing important, allowing my brain to become smoother with each lap until I achieve the true bliss of not caring about anything.
I have a feeling this episode is going to involve a lot of Abbie v Elly drama, which is a shame because it signifies the upcoming end for both of them.
We all know our Ken Doll Scientist finds drama unattractive, and by drama I of course mean personality and righteousness. MEOW, the kitty claws are out tonight my friends! Not literally, I have short nails obviously. Not that you can’t have long nails and have sex as a queer woman! That is a myth, what do you think femmes do!
Welcome, this has turned from a Bachelor episode recap to my new Queer Mythbusters column.
Anyway, we are now down to just FIVE women. Can you even believe it? Remember a short few weeks ago where there was upwards of 75 women, crawling the grounds of the mansion, eating rocks and plants and worms to survive?
But now we have just five, and it’s impossible not to compare them to those most famous five single characters we all know and love:
Carrie — Elly
Samantha — Abbie
Miranda — Helena
Charlotte — Emma
The City — Chelsie
And I’m Mr Big I guess, so let’s get into the episode!
Do NOT come for me!!!! I am fragile. I will not apologise for this belief, and for this ranking, which is MY ranking and I am the boss! And also i’m baby. I’m boss baby.
Like you, and probably everyone mean online, I am not pleased with the outcome of this episode.
However, it is my belief that it is not Abbie’s fault, and if we are ranking everyone by how annoying they are, she is not annoying to me! Sue me.
During the highly bizarre ‘chemistry test’ group date, when Abbie heard that a sexologist was joining them, her face had some kind of excited meltdown. Because she is the Samantha.
She explained it was actually because she wants to be a sexologist, and honestly I think it’s a great career choice for her, once she finds out what it is.
The women then had to do the first chemistry test with Matt, which was to hug for 40 seconds, with him blindfolded. First of all, how the fuck did Matt not know which women he was hugging, as he claimed?
Did they also remove the nerve endings from his arms and body, and his hearing? All of the women are different heights and body shapes and I think I could guess with 100% accuracy which women was which, and I have never touched any of them.
Anyway the women, watching the hugging on a tiny screen like they are in some sort of 90s erotic thriller, got mad at Abbie for……having too much chemistry with Matt. She was apparently too sexy during the hugging, which made him sweaty.
And then during the next task, where they had to stare into each other’s eyes for 4 minutes (Thrilling television), they got mad at her for being too sexy with her face!
This narrative is so annoying.
You are on a competition dating reality show! Abbie is connecting with Matt on several levels, including being as sexy as hell and making him want to have sex with her. That is also what happens when you do regular dating outside (I have heard).
You can’t be mad at her for trying to seduce the man she is meant to be there to seduce! I refuse to buy into this narrative that Abbie is evil because she’s using sex as part of her methods to win over a person, ESPECIALLY when it is so clear that this is a good tactic to use with Matt, because he is INSANELY HORNY.
I also really liked Abbie and Matt’s later solo date because it saw the return of my favourite, HOT LESBIAN MATT.
Not only did he look like a lesbian, but they did the most lesbian date activity of all — moving in together too quickly!
This was an episode of very weird dates. On this one, they drove a truck to some house and then made a bed? Cool. What fun for them, and also, the viewers. Anyway while driving Abbie referred to the ‘giant steering wheel’ which made me think of this…
And Matt dressed like one of the chairs in the house and it made me laugh, so it was all worth it.
And I just need to reiterate that Matt and Abbie seem to have the most fun on their dates. It’s not just about sex, they seem to truly have good banter (yuck sorry for saying banter), and she brings out a spark in him.
Also she’s funny! While lying on the bed he says “blue is my favourite colour, and it goes with your eyes!” and she responded “Oh you noticed…after two months of dating.”
Don’t get me wrong, I am not dumb. Do I think she is on the show 100% with the same intensity to find love as someone like Emma? Absolutely not, that is impossible. But like give me a break with this “right reasons” bullshit like all these other standardly beautiful 25-year-olds have exhausted all dating opportunities and are solely on the television show The Bachelor to find love.
And in any case does that mean that Abbie doesn’t genuinely like Matt and is sort of just doing her best to make it to the end of the show to see what happens? I don’t think so.
She’s horny for him! She is very good at talking, she’s obviously smart and can work situations in her favour, and is doing so. And is also one of our greatest actresses, especially when pretending to barely know what Instagram is.
“What is it..instagrom? Hinstagrum? I don’t even know what it’s called!”
But this is all part of the show, she is trying to impress one person and that is Matt. Also it’s SO funny to me how she just doesn’t read a room, saying this immediately after the shocking elimination.
And it is really annoying that everyone else is so worried that Matt is being “tricked” by Abbie, and that he’s going to end up with her and it will be horrible, and he’ll have his heart broken. She’s a person, not a Disney villain! He’s a grown man! A grown man scientist! He knows what the show is, he would know the risks, and to be honest if your genius science man is silly enough to fall for obvious trickery, you probably shouldn’t want to have children with him.
It is up to him to make the right decisions.
And speaking of….
MATT AND HIS VERY BAD DECISION
See: the decision was bad! I absolutely think it is BONKERS that Matt decided to send Elly home, ahead of some others (Emma).
But truly what is more heterosexual than watching nice women who deserve better being treated badly by men?
That’s right, I do not blame Abbie for this, I blame Matt.
Yet again, we see Matt punishing any woman who dares to try to speak to him about the other woman, or bring any ‘drama’ to him. But I think in Elly’s case, even though it was a bad bad move, she really just was trying to protect him. And regardless….WHAT THE FUCK?
Even though she talked to him about Abbie, and wasted some of their single date time….what on earth? He and Elly have had a strong connection since day one, and it seemed to be just as strong when they went on their final date.
To quote Elly as she drove away: WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED? It truly is a very strange decision, to make such a turn and boot out someone you have had a great time with, purely because she talked to him about Abbie? It’s just very weird and I do not get it.
Perhaps the rumours are true… and men are morons?
NEVER TO ANNOY OR NOT ANNOY AGAIN
Elly’s fatal flaw was letting Abbie get to her, and talking about Abbie instead of focusing on their relationship, but I still am SHOOKE that she went out at this point.
In this episode she had notable cute things, such as this cute hat.
HOW COULD YOU GET RID OF SOMEONE WHO LOOKS THIS CUTE IN THIS HAT? YOU MONSTER!!! Then there were these cute glasses..
Maybe her real mistake was using a seatbelt correctly. Which Matt hates.
It was actually really hard to see her so genuinely and visibly upset, it is like Matt kicked out a litter of puppies, and I wasn’t allowed to adopt them as my own.
Elly deserved better, but undoubtedly everyone sitting at home and on the Internet will demand that she become a Bachelorette in the future, and that would be very fun to see.
Goodbye Elly, we bloody miss ya already!
Join my friend Patrick Lenton for the recap of what goes down in the next episode, which is hometown visits! Always an exciting and terrifying look into other people’s families.
Rebecca Shaw is the co-host of the very regular comedy podcast Bring A Plate. She tweets @brocklesnitch