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The Rumours Are True: Sydney Really Is The Cocaine Capital Of Australia

Followed by a surprising number 2.

Sydneysiders are obssessed with cocaine

Sydney has a reputation for being a mess of corporate, cocaine loving rats running through an overpriced, soulless, culture-starved maze, made tolerable only by virtue of the fact that it hosts slightly fewer poetry slams than Melbourne.

Well, according to Sydney’s sewers, at least one part of that reputation can now be verified by science — Sydney adores its cocaine!

The news comes as a result of a study undertaken by the National Wastewater Drug Monitoring Program, a program spearheaded by the Australian Criminal Intelligence Commission. As the name implies, members of the NWDMP sift through our poop and cast-offs to search for our hidden crimes, much like the character of the Penguin in Tim Burton’s Batman Returns (though you’d probably be best not to make that connection upon meeting a member of NWDMP.)

According to the results of the program, in August of last year, for every 1000 Sydneysiders, 1.2 grams of cocaine was consumed per day.

Of course, the study does not rule out the possibility of a statistical anomaly — let’s call him Cocaine George — who consumes 4,500 grams of cocaine every day, while the rest of us have none (though I’ll admit that’s pretty unlikely).

Trailing behind Sydney in cocaine consumption is the Northern Territory, followed by Queensland, South Australia, and Tasmania, with Western Australian embarrassing the rest of the nation and consuming less than 200 milligrams of cocaine per 1000 people per day, like the losers that they are.

The study also found that over the course of a year, from August 2017 to 2018, Australians spent $9.3 billion per year on drugs, which is pretty good going, considering.

“It is astounding that Australians waste over $9.3 billion a year on drugs,” the chief executive officer of the Australian Criminal Intelligence Commission Michael Phelan told the Sydney Morning Herald, rather missing the point.

After all, Australians waste a truckload of money per year propping up politicians who refuse to listen to their whims (particularly on the subject of drugs and pill-testing) and who knife each other at the drop of the hat. So maybe a few Friday nose beers aren’t the worst thing.