The Very Awkward Story Of My First (And Last) Tinder Date

*deletes app* *throws phone away* *changes identity* *moves to a different country*

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This Valentine’s Day, Uni Junkee is sharing stories about our love lives – the triumphs, realisations, heartbreaks and really cringey stuff that we all experience in our early 20s. It sure is a jungle out there, but hopefully these stories make you feel a little less alone in it. 

My first Tinder date unfortunately turned out to be my last one. I matched up with a guy within a 20km radius, we had a bit of flirty banter and then we made a decision to meet up in person.

No, I didn’t get catfished, but my second biggest online-dating fear did happen – it was awkward AF. Here is a little step-by-step of how the night played out.

The Outfit

OK, so saying that the day was hot is an understatement. It was perhaps the hottest day that summer. And what did I decide to wear? Jeans and an oversized cardigan.

The look I was going for was something nice that I always liked wearing on dates so I decided to wear it in rain, hail or stinking hot weather. The other annoying thing was that the outfit only looked good with the cardigan, so I was very apprehensive about taking it off.

As such, the bus trip on the way there was horrible. I was sweating profusely and my makeup was smearing off my face – it was a very shit start. By the time I arrived, I could see him eyeballing the sweat dripping down my forehead.

The Bathroom

When I got to the bar, the guy I was meeting looked like he had been waiting a while. But wiping off the huge amount of sweat was a major necessity and I needed to go fix it, stat. I felt bad, but I let him know I had to use the bathroom.

Looking in the mirror, my makeup was beyond the point of being fixable and I realised my first impression was a disaster. I remained calm, took deep breaths and decided that this could still be OK.

The Convo

Boring. All I can say is dry, with comparable synonyms including “bland”, “dull” and “lacking in variety”. Sure, he gets points for not bolting while I was in the bathroom, but in a way I wish he had. I didn’t even care about the new set of sweat that formed out of the stress of trying to come up with topics. I was already nervous enough about meeting with someone I met on Tinder, so this wasn’t great for my case.

When I’m nervous, I stutter quite a bit and appear the opposite of relaxed. I was actually jealous of how he didn’t seem to want to try like I was, he was just plain lazy. Like, how can he just sit back and relax while I do all the hard work and think of what our next conversation will be? No thanks. And why wasn’t he sweating? It was bloody 42 degrees!

The Pizza

Oh god, the pizza. For some reason, I told him I wasn’t hungry when he asked what we should order for food. I think I wanted a drink more than anything at the time. But after my second glass down and after he had ordered a pizza for himself, I realised I was actually hungry. However, by this point it was too late and his pizza had arrived at our table.

All I did was just stare longingly at it while he was talking to me about his cat for the seventh time (his go-to topic). I just really needed a slice of that pizza. But then, when he asked if I wanted any, I said no. Why?!  

When he had finished about half the pizza, I finally said that I would actually like to try a small slice. After just one taste, I ate the rest of his pizza. The poor guy.

The Good-Bye (Forever)

I kid you not, I leaned in for a kiss after he dropped me off at my place (yes, I was the only one who drank on the date), and no we didn’t kiss. It was probably the most awkward ending to an already awkward enough date. Like, seriously, the cherry on top. The icing on the cake.

I ran home to my bedroom, quickly deleted Tinder and vowed to never get it again. But, you know, I downloaded it again a week later. However, I can say that I’ve never met up with anyone from the internet again. And to be fair, most of the date was my fault, what with the stressing and the probably unacceptable pizza situation, but I did learn something about myself – I will never wear a jeans in summer again.

(Lead image: Broad City/Comedy Central)