It’s Time For Everyone On Instagram To Stop Being In Europe

Leave us alone.

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Folks, it’s summer in the Northern hemisphere, and our friends on Instagram are making one thing abundantly clear: they’re in Europe. And it is with all do respect that we are asking — no, pleading — for them to stop.

Look, we get it. We’ve been experiencing border closures for years. We weren’t even able to travel interstate, let alone overseas. Meanwhile, privileged Australians had to watch as even more privileged people — celebrities — wantonly flouted those measures.

So of course you want to flaunt your long-awaited trip across the equator. It’s time for you to claim your privilege, goddamn it. Look! I’s summer in France! You’re no longer watching Emily In Paris, you are Emily In Paris! Seriously, that’s your actual name!

Of course, you don’t want to over document this trip — eat, pray, unplug — am I right? You do, however, decide to regale your freezing Melbourne followers with a wonky picture of parsley-adorned escargot over a white tablecloth; teasing a glimpse of the man you met on Bumble three months ago. We can’t quite tell it’s him, though, and my god, don’t you know it. How you relish in the mystique.

At least Emily has the decency to say what country she is in. So many of you are simply in ‘Europe’. Are you in Scotland or Portugal? Russia or Sweden? We don’t know. You are simply at large on the continent — and the glamour of making that known to your followers is enough. Europe, Asia, South America — how we “collapse civilisations”, as author Michelle De Kretser writes, in that “sweeping Australian way”.

But spare a thought, post-pandemic vagabonds, that we are approaching August, and many of you have now made your ‘being in Europe’ abundantly clear.

At this point, we’ve seen all that we need to see. The summer dresses, the tapas, the balmy piazzas. Point taken, you dicks.

Honestly, we are barely even envious. It actually looks way too hot to even be outside, amid the gauche tourist trips and everyone’s silly little shorts.

We’re actually very comfortable here, okay? So enjoy your post-pandemic overseas jaunts. We’ll wait for you to stop inflicting your DuoLingo skills on the locals, and to waddle back home.

It’s only then, when the leaves begin to brown, that the real, authentic Europe will begin to beckon. It is then that it will be our time — the much cooler tourists, nay, global citizens — to shine.