Every Ominous Detail You Might Have Missed In The New ‘Star Wars: The Rise Of Skywalker’ Trailer

Buckle up your space trousers and get ready to drink some blue milk, because the new trailer for Star Wars: The Rise Of Skywalker is here, and frankly it’s so beautiful I wanna roll myself into a ditch for a quick dirt nap.

The new trailer premiered at Disney’s D23 Expo, where Disney pranced around screaming “we own everything you love, all of it, kneel down and worship us you tiny fools”, and if Disney is reading this I wanna quickly say: hi.

The Rise Of Skywalker is the dramatic, final instalment of the new trilogy, and welcomes back director J.J. Abrams to the fold, after Rian Johnson’s bizarrely controversial, yet actually flawless The Last Jedi. Anyone who’s anyone knows that shit is going to go down!

You don’t finish a space opera on anything less than a big note.

And luckily for us, this trailer is CHOCK full of juicy Star Wars Easter Eggs, laid carefully to tantalise us with theories and insane conspiracies.

Let’s go through every single ominous Easter Egg in the new Star Wars: The Rise Of Skywalker trailer.

Memories, Misty Water-Coloured Memories

We start off with a lovely montage of all the old films, and basically this is a ham-fisted way of saying: this is a Star Wars movie. It places J.J. Abram’s new film very firmly in the canon, to quiet all the bile-smeared nerds who are still angrily rolling around in their own excrement and tears after Last Jedi.

So, yeah. Remember the past? This movie does.

Another Desert World For Us To Enjoy

The trailer proper opens up on our intrepid heroes, surveying another desert world. Oscar Isaac is there, and my space-husband is looking extremely good.

According to a bunch of sources, this is probably the same desert world that Rey fights the TIE fighter in the teaser trailer, which based on set visits, is called Pasaana, which I choose to believe is a pasta sauce based planet.

Anyway, it looks like there’s some kind of chaotic bazaar energy, which makes Poe look sad. Maybe he hates bargain hunting? Maybe they’re looking for somebody in all that chaos? Who knows.

The Princess Leia Of It All

Here’s Leia, giving us a smile. Anyone else get really sad just looking at her? But also… like, proud?

Anyway, she’s on a jungle world, which we saw in the teaser too. It looks lush.

Spaceships!

Here’s a bunch of snubfighters and smaller ships (is that a gunship? Is that a Blockade Runner?)  jumping out of lightspeed. A bunch of the usual suspects, but there’s also some Y-Wings and A-Wings, which look almost like original models, which would be pretty outdated by now. There’s also some more B-Wing bombers, which are used to… bomb.

Anyway, it looks rag-tag, it looks like they’re scraping together everything they can find.

Evil Spaceships!

Ooft, now THIS is interesting. A whole bunch of Star Destroyers, floating in a lightning-filled void.

But these aren’t the fancy, sleek, First Order era Star Destroyers. These are classic Imperial models.

If you’re a fucking nerd, then this is a strong indication that this is the remnants of the Imperial fleet that Palpatine sent out to the Unknown Regions, a whole bunch of space that is, well… unknown.

There’s a lot of stuff written about this in the books, but basically the Emperor believed there was great power out there, and sent a bunch of ships out to look for it, before he was killed by his best friend, Darth Vader.

This is the region of space that fan-favourite character Grand Admiral Thrawn came from, although it doesn’t seem to indicate that he’s gonna join. What it does indicate is that Palpatine’s long and gross fingers are still stretching through time and having an effect on the story, and it’s unlikely that it’s just ships that he left out there. There’s probably something else — which we’ll get to later.

Anyway, it looks like Finn, and new character Jannah find all this stuff, in the Falcon.

The Metal Butler Is Evil Now

Well, C-3PO has red eyes now, so clearly he’s gone to the dark side. He’s a Sith lord now. He’s gonna kill Rey.

You heard it here first, folks.

Apparently there’s some character from the Star Wars comics who is an evil droid, who has disguised himself as Threepio before, but I think it’s probably much more banal than that.

There’s Gotta Be A Death Star

I just hope there’s no Death Star or Starkiller or giant planet killing piece of shit. They take up a lot of time!

This could just be a normal turbo-laser esque thing, tbh.

Rey Is Angry

Listen, either Rey turns to the dark side, or we’re strongly meant to think that she will. She’s definitely gonna be tempted in this film! The dark side, as we keep being told, is apparently very alluring. Personally, I think everyone should have a nap and get therapy.

Anyway, here’s Rey training in a forest and losing her shit with a training droid. You gotta be patient!

The Angery Boy Is Back

Lord Cape gets out of a TIE Fighter and pulls out his magic sword.

We also hear the Emperor himself say “Your journey nears its end” but it’s probs not Kylo he’s talking about.

Slippery Lightsaber Fight

Off we go to a very liquid planet, what we might call a “Water World”.

This is a STUNNING place to have a fight, and Kylo and Rey really go for it! Good for you, you crazy kids. But at the end of the day… what even is the difference between them? Is it like fighting a mirror? Hmm, choices, etc. Philosophy.

Apparently they are recognisably fighting on the ruins of a Death Star, which, sure. Go off.

WHAT? REY IS… SITH? WHAT? NOT GOOD SWEET REY?????? SHOOK, ETC?

We then cut to… the true gag moment for this entire trailer, Rey dressed as a Sith lord, with a RED double lightsaber (evil colour), which folds out, and has other fun functions (real swoosh and buzz sound effects, not suitable for toddlers).

Anyway, this is a trailer, so obviously it’s big bucks for them to fuck with us.

I know what you’re saying — if I cannot trust the honourable men at Disney, who can I trust? But believe me — they may be pulling our leg with this!

It could be a vision — visions happen in this. Remember when Rey when into the gross evil sea-hole and saw some things? Precedence.

But, I think that this is an evil clone. It’s been pretty pointed that original Rey is some kind of clone — in a show as OBSESSED with lineage as this one, the whole “who are her parents/ does she have parents” nonsense has been pretty telling. Does it just kinda seem like she woke up, fully grown on that dumb junk planet? Maybe she did.

Anyway, the evil Rey clone could be out in the Unknown Regions with the fleet — Palpatine was famously hot for clones. But whomst did he clone? Could it be his own DNA? Could he have been like “I shall live forever, by transferring my brain into my new, yet hot lady clone?”

OR — maybe it’s none of those things, and it’s Evil Threepio wearing a skin mask. I dunno. Just watch the film, ffs.

Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker hits cinemas in Australia on December 20.