Buff Sonic Is Coming For You

Behold, buff Sonic.

Sonic The Hedgehog

This morning, I awoke to find our already torturous hellscape of a world had slipped even further from God’s grace, such that we may never be granted redemption. Behold, buff Sonic.

The first poster for the upcoming live-action Sonic the Hedgehog movie debuted early this morning, because that is a thing that is happening. On it, the famously speedy blue hedgehog appears mostly in silhouette while behind him a blue glow highlights his distressingly hairy body. Yes, like Detective Pikachu before him, Sonic the Hedgehog is now furry.

This is not the only change the Sega character has undergone. Gone are his noodle legs, his spaghetti arms and non-threatening round torso. Sonic has discovered leg day, and arm day, and pretty much every day. The hedgehog is now built, and our world is forever changed.

Reaction to Sonic’s misguided attempt at a glo-up have ranged from horror to revulsion, with the speedster’s fans coming out in force to ask what humanity has done to deserve this. Live-action Sonic has become an unwitting test of the hypothesis that the unknown is more terrifying than the known, as he is already monstrous in mere silhouette form but may be even worse once fully revealed.

Speaking to IGN, executive producer Tim Miller dropped hints about what they’ve done to Sonic’s face. “I don’t think SEGA was entirely happy with the eye decision, but these sorts of things you go, ‘It’s going to look weird if we don’t do this,’ he said, seemingly unaware that we’re well past that milestone.

Those eager to usher in the end of all things are sharing their own renditions of what they believe may be hidden in Sonic’s shadow. Perhaps these works will train us to withstand the harsh reality to be revealed. Or perhaps it will wear down our resolve and leave us broken and hollow, surrounded by Sonic fan art and regret. Only time will tell.

Brought to us by one of the guys behind the original The Fast and the Furious but who was also behind The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift, the only bad film in the franchise, the live-action Sonic film will see the titular hedgehog on the run from the government. I presume they are after him because he is living evidence of secret government experiments. James Marsden will also be there.

Sonic the Hedgehog arrives in cinemas 12 December 2019, so you have a full year to prepare yourself. Gotta go away fast.