The Marble Table That Was Smashed During Tony Abbott’s Post-Spill Party Is Already Up On Gumtree
"Previous owner may have had some anger issues and questionable beliefs about immigration, women and the environment, but don't worry, he doesn't live here anymore."
On September 14, after a few remarkably bad weeks of government (which followed a few remarkably terrible years of same), Communications Minister Malcolm Turnbull deposed sitting Prime Minister Tony Abbott, to become the 29th leader of Australia.
As the progressive world got drunk on schadenfreude, Tony Abbott and his backers threw one last hoorah, and got drunk on — well, lots of alcohol presumably.
According to reports that surfaced shortly afterwards, Abbott had danced shirtless at a spontaneous party that took over his office the night of the #libspill; MP Jamie Briggs rocked up to Parliament House the next day in a wheelchair, to deny rumours he had fallen off an Italian marble coffee table upon which he was dancing. The cleaning staff were kept out of the office for two whole days, after being told there was a broken table inside.
Questioning Department of Parliamentary Services (DPS) representative John Ryan today, Labor Senator Penny Wong summed it up quite nicely: “Quite a party.”
"We understand the table has been damaged by someone standing or dancing on it" #marbletablegate pic.twitter.com/yQn8u1QK6t
— Alice Workman (@workmanalice) October 19, 2015
That delightful piece of footage came from a Senate Estimates committee hearing that was held today, during which questions were raised regarding exactly how much damage had befallen the Commonwealth-owned table (“seriously damaged” according to the Coalition; “smashed” according to the Labor Party), how that damage had occurred, and what the cost of that damage would be.
“It is understood the table may have been damaged by persons standing or dancing up on it,” read an email to Department of Parliamentary Services officer Rob Barnes, which was brought into the hearing. “Anecdotally, we have been advised that pieces of the table top were present on the floor on Tuesday morning and more pieces have since been seen in the ministerial offices.”
“It’s kind of unusual for ministers to have shards or fragments of marble in their offices, correct?” Wong asked, with not a small amount of sass.
“There are many things that are in ministers’ offices, I wouldn’t like to comment,” John Ryan from the DPS replied. He estimated that the repair to the table, which cost $590 when it was first purchased in the 1980s, could be “well over” $1000.
It’s one of those delightful little snippets of Parliamentary life that can’t go by without a stab of gentle mockery, so it took no time at all for the following listing to pop-up on Gumtree this afternoon.
“Only slightly used, this antiquite coffee table was crafted with an expert’s touch from only the finest Roman marble,” the listing reads. “One previous owner who may have had some anger issues and questionable beliefs about immigration, women and the environment, but don’t worry, he doesn’t live here anymore.
“If you look closely you may just be able to notice a slight crack in the centre of the table, this was most likely caused by the table’s structural integrity being compromised by someone dancing on top of it.
“Still functions fine as long as you don’t mind things occasionally falling on the floor.”
