[Update: August 3, 2017] This piece was originally published in the wake of a number of controversies around sexist behaviour in Australian universities. This week a report from the Australian Human Rights Commission has illuminated the extent of that culture with some devastating statistics.

The report found that 51 percent of Australian university students were sexually harassed at least once in 2016, 21 percent of university students were sexually harassed in a university setting in 2016, and 87 percent of those sexually harassed in a university setting did not make a formal report to their university.

There’s obviously an enormous need for better systems of reporting and better treatment of survivors across the board, but somewhere along the way we also need to cut this out through education. Here’s one example of what young Australians — particularly young Australian men — should be learning about consent and respect:

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To a casual observer it would seem like this week has been terrible for young Australian women. Male UNSW students have been caught on camera performing a misogynistic and violent chant. Facebook groups have been discovered which creepily objectify (and in some cases physically track down) unsuspecting female uni students. A woman buying her groceries has become the subject of a “romantic” manhunt endorsed by one of the largest companies and media networks in the country (of course, the man responsible is also being roasted by the internet).

But the sad thing is, much of this is exactly what makes it a good week. The behaviour isn’t new — the Hotties of Melbourne University page, for instance, has been around since I was an undergrad. It’s in the news now because these men are having their actions held to account. Are our standards for what’s acceptable finally changing?

Acknowledging this as a pivotal moment in Australia’s evolving education around sexism and violence against women, not-for-profit group Our Watch yesterday hosted their first panel discussion on the topic at Melbourne’s La Trobe University. The talk covered “sex, consent, equality and what that looks like in Australia today” as part of The Line, a program focussed on young people’s understanding of healthy relationships and gender equality. It featured writer Benjamin Law, academic Sue Dyson, Western Bulldogs player Marcus Bontempelli and Kate Moloney of the Melbourne Vixens.

Vastly different to your familiar ideas of sex-ed, there was no awkward middle-aged man giving you a textbook from the ’80s which read “no means no”. No awkward silence as he stared at the ceiling rolling a condom on a plastic dick he refused to call a dildo. (It’s frankly a miracle any of us are having good sex at all).

Here are the main points covered yesterday; a glimpse into what your Year 9 PDHPE class could have included instead:

Consent needs to be talked about with more nuance

“Sometimes consent is really straight forward and you know exactly where to draw that line, but it’s not always like that,” Jo Lauder said at the start of the panel. Though emphasising the importance of getting absolute confirmation that your partner is into a sexual act, the panelists pointed out it needs to be ongoing and it can be expressed in completely informal and sexy ways.

“We learned those basic lessons of ‘yes means yes’ and ‘no means no’, but that’s also too simplistic,” said Ben Law. “The thing that’s being pushed forward these days which I wish we had at school is that consent is too low a bar — go for enthusiasm, go for pleasure. If someone on the other end isn’t having fun, that’s not a great exchange.”

Citing The Line’s recent survey stats, Sue Dyson pointed out that one in five young men and one in four young women have felt pressured into sex they didn’t want. “When consent is talked about in school, it’s talked about in a legal way,” she said. “Those messages are really important, but the actual lived experience of consent is much much messier. It’s not just ‘yes’ and ‘no’, but ‘no, I don’t like that’, ‘yes, I prefer you to do that’, ‘that feels good’. They haven’t given consent if they’ve been pressured.”

“As an adult this feels obvious, but as a teenager if a teacher told us to articulate ‘that feels good’ that would be the most controversial thing,” Ben added. “The discussion that sex is supposed to feel pleasurable and can only feel pleasurable if there’s consent is not had at a young age — at least at an educational level.”

Sexism and violence against women are connected

When speaking about the recent news around UNSW college students, Sue said she was “devastated”. “One of the things we know about violence against women is that there’s a really strong association between sexist attitudes and people who think it’s okay to be violent. This isn’t something new. Those of you who’ve seen The Hunting Ground will know, these chants are quite common in the US college system and I’m just devastated it’s happening here.”

“These are conversations that have been happening all of my adult life,” she continued. “We’ve reached a point where the discussion has really started to take hold and I want to see it go forward. Linking gender equality with preventing violence against women has been a really important move.”

Though definitely not suggesting the men in the video have committed (or will later commit) acts of violence, Dyson’s idea is a simple one: if men believe it’s acceptable to think lesser of women, to objectify them or talk down to them, they breed a culture in which others think it’s okay to hurt them.

To illustrate this, Ben Law brought up the Woolworths guy.

“He couldn’t say hello to her so he snapped a photo of her from behind, put it on social media, now it’s gone viral and both 9 News and Woolworths have spread it everywhere saying ‘help this dude, who is a stalker, find the girls of his dreams’,” he said. “The fact that that is still happening in 2016 indicates that there still is embedded in our culture that this dude [probably defamatory comment we shouldn’t publish] is somehow entitled to this female stranger that he has no prior relationship with whatsoever. Why do we think on a social and corporate level that that’s okay?”

“I think that if you extend that logically, it says that unquestioned ownership of women’s bodies (taken to its extremes) does manifest as violence. Culturally, it’s a much broader issue but it’s also so grounded in how we interact as men and women.”

Men have to stand up to each other

Though all panellists advocated for increased education around these topics, also agreed there was an enormous need to teach ourselves and educate one another later in life.

“This isn’t something that’s new,” said Marcus. “The new thing needs to be stepping out and standing against it. If I can do that, and encourage others to follow suit that’s the first step. Hopefully a big one.”

“So much of [my education] has been because of women I’ve grown up with,” he continued. “I’ve got three sisters and particularly my grandparents (both grandmas) have had a significant influence on who I am. For that, I’m lucky. I know there are young men out there who may not have had such a fortunate upbringing.

“For [AFL players] to be able to be a shining light or role model to young people, particularly young men, to present the right way to do things and be an influence is quite special.”

Though that sounds great, Ben pointed out that it’s also “really hard — particularly when it’s a group situation and you’re the only one saying it’s not okay”. “It’s bullshit. How do you express that? How do you speak up? A lot of it has to do with culture.”

Citing Anna Krien’s (very good) book Night Games: Sex, Power and Sport, he forwarded her idea of a new vocabulary for times such as this. “There are all these situations where we say a guy is ‘pussy-whipped’. They’re looking out for their female partner or they’re thinking of feminist ideals and therefore they’re pussy-whipped. In the book, it’s proposed that maybe guys who follow each other into situations they don’t want to be in are ‘cock-whipped’.”

I am legitimately going to use this word from now until the day I die.

LGBTIQ people need SO MUCH MORE

Throughout all these conversations it was pointed out these issues are not just problems for straight people. In fact, as Ben later said “these [confusions] can actually become amplified when you’re in same-sex relationships.”

“First of all, consent differs state to state on a legal basis. Age of consent laws are 16 for opposite sex and same-sex relationships across the board in most states except for South Australia and Tasmania where it’s 17. When you go to my home state of Queensland, which is bonkers, it’s 16 for opposite sex and 18 for same-sex relationships [ed note: to be clear, 18 is the legal age of consent for anal sex no matter who’s participating]. It’s this weird 1990 hangover that hasn’t been addressed like the fact that American Psycho is still sold in shrinkwrap.

“The other thing is, generally speaking, if you’re a young queer person, you’re not going to get the education of your straight classmates. Safe Schools is a relatively new program and it’s being pared back, watered down… you’re not necessarily as armed or as equipped as your heterosexual peers to go out into the world.

“My sex education was pretty ad-hoc but it was also irrelevant because I’m gay! I was indoctrinated into heterosexuality and it still didn’t work.”

Though the Victorian government seem to be one of the few state bodies making this particular facet of education a priority, it’s clear we’re still in need of so much more on a ground level. More talks like this equals better sex and less fuckboys yelling about shooting people in the vagina. At least that’s the plan.

.@jolauder: "Where are young people getting their sex ed?"@mrbenjaminlaw: [Pavarotti voice that echoes through La Trobe] "PORRRRRRRRRRRRRN"

— Meg Watson (@msmegwatson) April 13, 2016

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Read more about Our Watch and The Line here. Maybe even shoot them an email to try and get a panel happening at your uni or high school.

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If you or someone you know is impacted by sexual assault, domestic or family violence, call 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732 or visit 1800RESPECT.org.au. In an emergency, call 000.

Men can access anonymous confidential telephone counselling to help to stop using violent and controlling behaviour through the Men’s Referral Service on 1300 766 491.