Politics

All The Embarrassing, Deeply Weird Stuff Scott Morrison Got Up To In Queensland This Week

A week in the fair dinkum life of Scott Morrison, average bloke.

By 3pm on Monday of this week, Prime Minister Scott Morrison had accomplished a lot. He’d debuted a campaign bus, for instance (which he was resoundingly mocked for), released a video showing off his new Rip Curl hat (which he was resoundingly mocked for), and demonstrated his idea of Bollywood dancing (which he was resoundingly mocked for).

If you’re sensing a theme here, you’re spot on. Scott Morrison is a national embarrassment, and he took it to new levels this week as he toured Queensland in his brand new bus, trying very hard to insist that he’s actually just a fair dinkum, average bloke.

Let’s recap that tour, if only because laughing at our useless Prime Minister is the only weak form of solace we’re going to find in #auspol this week. Onwards!

The ScoMobile Hits The Streets

First up, ScoMo started the week in his new bus, complete with a large picture of his face and a weird underlining error. This bus was widely mocked in meme form, and the roasting only intensified when the Liberal National Party revealed, via a comment left on Punkee’s Facebook page, that they’ve been internally referring to the bus as the “ScoMobile”.

In that Facebook comment, the LNP also wrote that “there are no brakes on the ScoMobile”. We’re not sure that’s exactly the message the government wants to be projecting right now, but here we are.

ScoMo Lets It Rip(Curl)

Having used his bus to drive to Queensland, Scott Morrison then took a fair dinkum stop on the beach to record a totally natural, not at all weird video.

In the video, our esteemed Prime Minister personally thanked Elizabeth, mother of professional surfer Mick Fanning, for providing him with a brand spanking new Rip Curl hat. “We’re here at the Gold Coast, down at Broadbeach, and yeah, fair dinkum,” he says in the vid.

“I’ll be wearing it proudly as I wear it around the country along with many others that are similar.” That last part is a tad confusing, actually. Similar hats? Similar countries? Similar clone Prime Ministers? I mean, ScoMo being one of a series of prototype robots would explain quite a bit at this stage.

How About We Don’t Watch You Dance, Dude?

At this point, it’s still Monday, but Scotty’s not done yet. Around 2pm, footage surfaced of him telling people “how about we watch a bit of Bollywood?”, before breaking into truly the worst dancing of all time. It honestly looks like he’s fucking someone against a wall, without much care for their satisfaction.

Pie Minister Gets Beefy

On Tuesday, scandal struck: we found out that actually, Scott Morrison was barely using his fancy custom bus. In reality, he was flying around Queensland mostly by jet, while the bus travelled along below, hollow and alone.

At one point, though, he did indeed use his bus to reach a pie shop, where a series of horrifying photos emerged featuring our Prime Minister engaged in a fight with a meat pie. Here’s a taster:

Also, apparently he didn’t even finish the pie. Pace yourself, mate.

ScottyMo, ScottyMe

At a press conference later on Tuesday, ScoMo shared a rare insight into his personal life when he revealed that he hasn’t always been ScoMo. Actually, his nickname back in high school was “ScottyMo”.

Yes, “ScottyMo”.

As he explained it, “one of my best mates was a guy called Scotty Merriman and we were known as ScottyMe and ScottyMo”. He picked up the name ScoMo from a journalist in Canberra, years later. We wonder what ScottyMe’s up to these days.

ScoMobile, Meet #TruthTruck

You’d be forgiven for thinking the ScoMobile was the only notable vehicle traversing Queensland’s highways this week, but on Wednesday, a new contender burst onto the scene. Meet the #TruthTruck, a vehicle the Labor Party apparently commissioned for the sole purpose of following the (possibly empty) ScoMobile on its journeys around Queensland.

At this point, to recap, we have an empty bus driving around the country pursued by an also largely empty truck. A poignant metaphor for our country’s Parliament right now, actually. Climate-friendly, too!

ScoMo Really Doesn’t Want To Talk About The Bus

On Thursday, Scott Morrison returned to the bus. The topic of the bus, that is — the jury’s still out on whether he was actually riding it.

At a doorstop press conference, an ABC reporter tried to get a straight answer out of him: was he even using his special customised bus to travel to Queensland, or was he seriously flying everywhere?

ScottyMo has a keen sense of suspense, though, and declined to clear things up that easily. Instead, he told us a great, fair dinkum yarn about his true blue bus, which he may or may not be inside of.

“Well the bus is going all the way up to Rockie and that’s where it was always planning to go,” he said mysteriously, leaving the nation to wonder whether the ScoMobile is, like, sentient? Seriously, who’s driving this bus?

“I mean, it’s a big state and I need to cover as much of it in four days as I can,” he continued. “So we were never planning to take the bus to Townsville, we’d always planned to take that last leg up to Townsville by plane because that was the most effective way to get there and to spend the most time there with people on the ground. I mean, these visits aren’t about sitting on a bus. They’re about actually engaging with small businesses and our supporters and the people of Queensland and listening to them.”

The conversation went for quite a while longer, but nothing was ever really clarified about the bus. You can read a transcript of it here if you like suffering.

Turnbull? Sorry, Who?

Also on Thursday, the nation waited with bated breath for noted Messy Bitch Who Lives For Drama, Malcolm Turnbull, to appear on Q&A and wear his leather jacket or whatever he does these days.

Scott Morrison, meanwhile, tried very hard to play coolly disinterested. When he was asked if he had any questions for Turnbull, his response was “oh, how’s he going?”.

He also stressed that he wasn’t even planning on watching Q&A anyway, as he’d be too busy riding the ScoMobile a plane at the time.

And so ended ScottyMo’s week in Queensland, apparently: sad and alone on a plane, the bus bearing his face rolling empty somewhere below him, while meanwhile on TV all eyes were on Malcolm. Just an ordinary week, then, for Australia’s most fair dinkum, true blue, ordinary bloke.