The Saddest Sad Dads Of Australian Politics, Ranked
Which sad dad of politics is the saddest of them all?
Australia is our motherland — your mother — and these bums — politicians — keep coming round and trying to woo her. They’ve got rugby polos tucked into a pair of ¾ khakis, with boat shoes they stole from their estranged son (an actuary), a box of Favourites slipping and sliding in their sweaty mits. They want to get to know ya. They want ya to like them. They’re not your real dad. They don’t know you.
But jeez, I guess if this is what Mum wants…
She says you two have to spend time together while she’s at her capoeira class… you better make an effort… luckily the hours you don’t spent sobbing you spend making character sheets for isometric CRPGs that only exist in your mind.
Yes! You knew this would come in handy! Let’s compare the sad dads of Australian politics:
Bob Katter: Crocodile Munter
Mum likes him cos: “He’s fair-dinkum!”
Pulls up in a: Tow truck that is towing itself (?)
Blasting: “Crazy,” by Patsy Cline, played at half-speed.
Wearing a: Stupid fucking hat.
Verbal tick: Barely stopping himself from saying “poofter”.
“So kid, do ya like…: Tanning hides?”
Special attack: Using cutesy rural cuss-words that are really just old slurs.
Weekend activity: Being shooed off people’s farms.
Weak against: Light but valid criticism.
How to wound: Remove hat.
Mathias Corman: The Dread-World’s Tin Tin
Mum likes him cos: “He’s French!”
Pulls up in a: Nitrous fuelled hay-cart
Blasting: “When All Is Said And Done,” Abba, but he has dubbed the vocals.
Wearing a: Lulu Lemon jeggings, a V-neck shirt that reads “CARPE DIEM THE DAY”.
Verbal tick: Nervously laughing when anyone says ‘interest rates’.
“So kid, do ya like…: To watch the spring sun melt the snow atop the Ardennes?”
Special attack: Tripping over his Gucci sandals while running up an escalator.
Weekend activity: Asking Amazon Echo to list “the most beautiful lakes, ranked by shimmer”
Weak against: Light but valid criticism
How to wound: Tell him he’s definitely got the numbers and to “go for it.”
Matt Canavan: That Boy Ain’t Right
Mum likes him cos: “He loves his dear old mum!”
Pulls up in a: 2007 Jeep Wrangler (his mum’s).
Blasting: “Fight for your Right,” by The Beastie Boys, un-ironically
Wearing a: Rugby polo that has ‘Wet Hog’ written on the back
Verbal tick: “For fuck’s sake mum! I’m with friends!”
“So kid, do ya like…: Playing ‘Call of Duty Ghosts’ with the boys?”
Special attack: Calling his mum to pick him up/using her Visa.
Weekend activity: Buying phone credit with said Visa.
Weak against: Light but valid criticism.
How to wound: Tag him in photos of Christmas hams on Instagram/Facebook and say “looking good, Matty!”
Greg Hunt: Rhymes With…
Mum likes him cos: “He keeps telling me he went to Yale!”
Pulls up in a: Golf cart.
Blasting: “Pumped Up Kicks,” by Foster The People, club mix.
Wearing a: Rowing blazer, straw hat, wicker cane.
Berbal tick: Saying things like “ho! ho!”, “old bean!” and “kaloo kalay!”
“So kid, do ya like…: Trepanning?”
Special attack: Rebalancing your humours (via trepanning).
Weekend activity: Unmaking “Make-a-Wish!” wishes.
Weak against: Light but valid criticism.
How to wound: “Hey Greg, should I like this porn tweet?”
Christian Porter: Atticus Finch By Way Of Serco
Mum likes him cos: “He’s like if James Bond practiced torts law!”
Pulls up in a: 2021 (?!?) Rolls Royce, a gift from Father.
Blasting: “Flight of the Valkyries,” by Wagner, club mix.
Wearing a: Rolex inscribed with “go get ‘em kid ~ Uncle Joh”
Verbal tick: “Serve them well and hold your custom, for you’ll have none of mine!”
“So kid, do ya like…: Private contractors?”
Special attack: Can wield ‘The Lawgiver.’
Weekend activity: Sending street urchins to “the stocks”
Weak against: Light but valid criticism
How to wound: *Whistles* “Boy, that private sector is lookin’ pretty good about now, eh?”
Josh Frydenberg: Don’t Shake His Hand
Mum likes him cos: “He remembers my PIN!”
Pulls up in a: Armoured van.
Blasting: “Nobody Rides for Free,” by Ratt.
Wearing a: Jimmy Carter mask, bullet proof vest, duffle bag.
Verbal tick: “This isn’t the safe house!”
“So kid, do ya like: The Big Four?”
Special attack: Misquoting DeNiro in Michael Mann’s Heat.
Weekend activity: Casing the joint.
Weak against: Light but valid criticism.
How to wound: Reveal that you were undercover as he dies in your arms.
Richard Di Natalie: Hey Kids, It’s The Nat!
Mum likes him cos: “He’s one hip dude!”
Pulls up in a: Recumbent velocipede.
Blasting: TedX podcast about pneumatic tubes as public transport.
Wearing a: $667.98 experimental bike helmet, Crocs.
Verbal tick: “Bob who?”
“So kid, do ya like…: The anthropocene?”
Special attack: Reciting lines from Ginsberg’s “Howl” incorrectly, but loudly.
Weekend activity: Discussing good praxis over a carafe of lilac infused sparkling-water at Vue de Monde.
Weak against: Light but valid criticism.
How to wound: “Boy, lucky you guys don’t have factions!”
Barnaby Joyce: Shagadelic, Baby!
Mum likes him cos: “He’s just so red!”
Pulls up in a: 1971 Cadilac Elderado Convertible, cherry red.
Blasting: “Soul Bosa Nova” (the theme from Austin Powers), by Quincy Jones.
Wearing a: Bridle
Verbal tick: “JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!” (into megaphone)
“So kid, do ya like…: Twins?”
Special attack: Threatening to kill your dog(s)
Weekend activity: Talking him down from a panic attack in a Bowling Alley parking lot.
Weak against: Light but valid criticism.
How to wound: Go back in the past and take his mojo.
Peter Dutton: Border Farce
Mum likes him cos: “He gets away with it!”
Pulls up on a: Warg.
Blasting: War-horns.
Wearing a: Mark of the White Hand.
Verbal tick: Chanting “Grond! Grond!”
“So kid, do ya like: Man flesh?”
Special attack: Putting meat back on the menu, boys.
Weekend activity: Ambushing Theodred at the River Isen.
Weak against: Light but valid criticism.
How to wound: Aeglos, the spear of Gil Galad.
Albo: The Willy Lowman’s Willy Lowman
Mum likes him cos: “He’s had it hard.”
Pulls up in a: Bus.
Blasting: “Needle in the Hay,” by Elliott Smith, the one song on his iPod shuffle.
Wearing a: Pair of trackies with baked bean stains, plug earrings.
Verbal tick: “It could have been me. It should have been me! Ah! who am I kidding!” x500
“So kid, do ya like…: ~ aesthetic anime tumblrs ~ ???”
Special attack: Veering into oncoming traffic and laughing.
Weekend activity: Long walks along Cheviot Beach.
Weak against: Light but valid criticism.
How to wound: “It’ll…it’ll be ok mate…”
Tony Abbott: The Pissy Apostle
Mum likes him cos: “He talks for me!”
Pulls up in a: One-man kayak.
Blasting: “There is Power in the Blood,” Traditional.
Wearing a: Habit, speedos, spiked choker.
Verbal tick: ‘ah’ ‘ack’ ‘ah’ ‘ack’ ‘what is love?’ ‘ack’.
“So kid, do ya like…: Eating communion wafers while watching repeats of The Bill?”
Special attack: Self-flagellating while calling into 2GB to sing the theme to “Skippy the Bush Kangaroo” in Latin.
Weekend activity: Ranking the 71 sons of Gideon by loyalty.
Weak against: Light but valid criticism.
How to wound: “How’s your sister-in-law?”
Bill Shorten: That Fucking Forehead!
Mum likes him cos: “He’s there.”
Pulls up in a: Beige 2011 Hyundai Getz.
Blasting: “Viva la Vida,” by Coldplay.
Wearing a: Denim shirt with a tie.
Verbal tick: *muted squeaking*
“So kid, do ya like…: My indie-hits of the mid-2000s Tidal playlist?”
Special attack: *Violent squeaking*
Weekend activity: Asking a focus group what a “twink” is.
Weak against: Light but valid criticism.
How to wound: “Your head is shaped like an upside down Vaseline jar.”
ScoMo: so it’s come to this
Mum likes him cos: “He’s…there.”
Pulls up in a: 2004 Hyundai iMax, back seats overloaded with boxes of factory outlet baseball caps.
Blasting: “Bound for Glory,” as sung by Angry Anderson at the 1991 Grand Final
Wearing: Girdle, backwards.
Verbal tick: “So, where the bloody hell are ya?”
“So kid, do ya like…: Cosplay?”
Special attack: “God help me, I’ll turn this boat [his iMax] around!”
Weekend activity: Searching “Family Guy chicken fight complete LMAO XD” on YouTube.
Weak against: Light but valid criticism.
How to wound: “How much longer?”
Bonus Dad Duds
Malcolm Roberts: I’ll Get The Hose
Mum likes him cos: “Get the hose, will you?”
Pulls up in a: Barrel, rolling down the hill.
Blasting: ‘My Ding-a-ling,’ as sung by himself.
Wearing a: Burlap sack that has “I BITE!” written on it.
Verbal tick: “Why does it cry, poor Smeagol?”
“So kid, do ya like…: ‘Raw’ crow eggs?”
Special attack: Inexplicably being given a platform.
Weekend activity: Discussing ‘them’ and what to ‘do’ when ‘ they’ inevitably ‘arrive’.
Weak against: Light but valid criticism.
How to wound: Cease and desist letter.
Sam Dastyari: FFS, Go Home!
Mum likes him cos: She doesn’t know who he is.
Pulls up in a: ‘WeChat Maps’ car
Blasting: “Hey! up to you man! My sister lets me use her Spotify account!”
Wearing a: Rick and Morty meets Deadpool shirt.
Verbal tick: “My name’s Sammy D and I’m here to say…”
“So kid, do ya like…: Memes about foreign donors?”
Special attack: Wilful amnesia
Weekend activity: Scrolling through Brown Cardigan, screencapping his favourite memes, and reposting them without credit.
Weak against: Light but valid criticism
How to wound: Refuse to follow his Snap “@halolsnackchat”
Oh! Mum’s back from capoeira class! and she’s deleted tinder! she’s saying the next man who knocks on our door is gona get his teeth kicked in!
Clive Palmer: *knock knock* “hello, anyone home?”
Patrick Marlborough is a writer and comedian based out of Fremantle. He tweets at @Cormac_McCafe.