Just A Ranking Of Every Stupid Role Ruby Rose Has Ever Played
Before she was Batwoman, she was a sexy she-wolf named Byanka.
Australia’s own Ruby Rose has just been announced to star as Batwoman in DC’s TV universe. If you’re not familiar with her work, should you be excited?
Ruby Rose has been carving out a curious niche in the acting world for a few years now, with her role in Orange is the New Black’s third season launching her to overseas success. She will play Kate Kane in a big DC TV crossover later this year, and potentially go on to star as the Jewish lesbian crime fighter in her own Batwoman show.
Given that Ruby Rose has been steadily gaining bigger and bigger roles in blockbusters – including giant-shark film The Meg, which is just around the corner — playing Batwoman could really cement her stardom. Although if you go by The Meg’s IMDb page, she already is a star: according to IMDb’s STARMeter, Rose gets top billing over Jason Statham.
As a star, Rose is defined by a weird, inexplicable aura that permeates all her roles. She’s defined by Ruby Rose Energy.
Now, you’re probably familiar with the concept of Big Dick Energy, but you may not have heard of Ruby Rose Energy. Ruby Rose Energy is Big Dick Energy’s non-binary cousin. Ruby Rose Energy is effortlessly cool, but also quietly daggy.
It’s becoming a movie and TV star while always being slightly unable to escape your past as an MTV Australia VJ, or someone who got into a brief Twitter feud with Josh Thomas over unpaid Veuve at a Melbourne club. It’s having real life charisma disproportionate to what necessarily translates on screen — just like the good old days!
Ruby Rose Energy is being the first person to quit The 7pm Project. It’s not being recognisable to virtually anyone over 40, and dating a Veronica in the year 2018. As one commenter said on yesterday’s casting news, “she’s like, everything”.
Make no mistake – this is a loving tribute to Ruby Rose and the utterly specific, weird space she has carved out in Australian pop culture since the early 2000s. There’s a lot you can learn about Ruby Rose Energy from the names of characters she plays, so here’s a ranking of all the character names she is credited with playing on IMDb – ranked by least-to-most Ruby Rose Energy.
Queer women: Please cast out queer actors in queer roles!!!
CW: *casts Ruby Rose*
Queer women: This is an attack
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) August 7, 2018
#12. Hannah (Around the Block)
Presumably as a result of some mix-up on the first day on set that no one was brave enough to correct, the name of Ruby Rose’s character in this cliché-ridden Australian spin on Dangerous Minds is Hannah, while Christina Ricci’s is, no joke, Dino Chalmers.
It is with great regret that I must place Hannah at the bottom of this list, and that I cannot officially say that Dino motherfuckin’ Chalmers is a perfect exemplar of Ruby Rose Energy.
#11. Abigail (Resident Evil: The Final Chapter)
Though her performance was terrific as a woman who more or less does nothing until she gets hilariously sucked into a giant fan, the character’s name — Abigail — has very low Ruby Rose Energy and, as such, sits near the bottom of the list.
Abigail is the name of a pretty girl you pretend to like in primary school so people don’t think you’re gay, not the name of a character played by devastatingly handsome genderfluid star Ruby Rose.
#10. Chief Jackson (Tourism Australia: Dundee – The Son of a Legend Returns Home)
Though I will never watch this weird Crocodile Dundee tourism ad, I do appreciate the rich complexity of giving a Ruby Rose character a title and a position of authority. That said, in its most Ruby Rose form, ‘Chief’ would be the character’s given name, and as such it falls on the lower end of the scale.
#9. Ares (John Wick: Chapter 2)
Ruby Rose plays a mute assassin in the John Wick franchise, and her character is named for the Greek god of war – which means we’re getting to the good shit.
But beyond the strong concept, it feels a bit pianissimo in execution; may I suggest it lengthens in John Wick: Chapter 3 to ‘Ares McIliad’ or perhaps ‘Ares Bazooka’?
Ruby Rose Energy is about throwing subtlety to the wind.
#8. Ruby Rose (Mr and Mrs Murder)
I know what you’re thinking: what name could possibly be more Ruby Rose than ‘Ruby Rose’?
Well, since her full birth name is Ruby Rose Langenheim, ‘Ruby Rose’ is technically only 44% of that, meaning it’s slightly below average Ruby Rose Energy.
#7. Calamity (Pitch Perfect 3)
My interest in Pitch Perfect 3: Aca-merican Imperialism is precisely zero, but Calamity is exactly the kind of Ruby Rose character name I come to IMDb to see.
Less impressive is the movie thinking that Ruby Rose-as-Calamity would be the front-woman of a generic guitar band called Evermoist instead of the lead singer of a desperately edgy Christian lady-rock group called SHEviticus, or GALatians, or The GeneSisters, and so on.
Calamity has the toughness of Ruby Rose Energy, but lacks that certain je ne sais quoi.
#6. Stella Carlin (Orange is the New Black)
Where were you when all of America discovered Stella Carlin, and thus Ruby Rose, at once?
Was it the same place you were when Ruby tweeted about Katy Perry’s Witness, calling it “purposeful poop” and “bomb a petit”? Or when she threw a “singular fry” at a restaurant owner?
No name on this list better exemplifies the Ruby Rose Energy tendency to get into beefs with low-grade celebs that no one but tabloids would ever care about. Stella Carlin is what happens when Ruby Rose Energy gets captured in essence but lost in translation.
It’s trying just a little bit too hard.
#5. Adele Wolff (xXx: Return of Xander Cage)
The beauty of the current Golden Age of Ruby Rose Character Names is how often the names just sound like full sentences in and of themselves.
I already feel like I’ve known this character my whole life. Like I’ve already followed her journey from digital marketing graduate to Instafamous, gluten intolerant Byron Bay-based wellness blogger, which I am convinced is where Ruby Rose would be at without her tattoos.
#4. Jaxx Herd (The Meg)
Jaxx Herd is, frankly, incredible.
The Meg pic.twitter.com/QnTjRWjxx8
— Ruby Rose (@RubyRose) July 31, 2018
What’s even more incredible is that this Ruby Rose character looks more like the human reboot of Charlize Theron’s haircut in Aeon Flux than any of the others (and they all do, a little) and honestly, I’m here for it.
#3. Byanka (Sheep & Wolves)
Wikipedia says Bianca, but IMDb says Byanka, which is so Ruby Rose I can’t stand it.
And truly, is the root of the human condition not the internal war we wage over whether we are a Bianca or a Byanka?
Anyway, this movie looks bananas, Ruby Rose’s character is an overly sexualised she-wolf, and the script was co-written by someone who goes by the name ‘1kg Sugar’.
#2. Wendy the Android (Dark Matter)
If the idea of Ruby Rose playing a character named Wendy the Android (lol) on a Canadian sci-fi show makes you think, “Huh, I wonder if they made her a horny killer fuckbot?”
The answer, unequivocally, is yes.
That they named her Wendy like she’s one of the nice mums working at a primary school tuckshop is just *Italian chef kiss* molto bene. It’s the perfect combination of ‘maybe this is the next step in human evolution’ and ‘Lorna Jane loyalty card owner’.
#1. Woman (Boys Like You)
TheDailyMail.com Seriously Popular™ People’s Choice Award-loser Ruby Rose as… Woman.
That’s it, kids.
That’s Ruby Rose Energy.
Laurence Barber is a freelance writer, editor and award-winning film and television critic based in Sydney. He is on Twitter @bortlb.