Culture

Please Enjoy These Savage Burns From Rejected Jurors In The Martin Shkreli Trial

"He kind of looks like a dick".

Martin Shkreli

A few weeks back Martin Shkreli was convicted of fraud, and it was very, very satisfying. A Brooklyn jury found that the former hedge fund manager, who drew the ire of the internet after jacking up the price of HIV medication by 5000 percent, had misled investors in two of his funds, MSMB Capital and MSMB Healthcare.

Shkreli is now facing up to 20 years in prison – although chances are he’ll be sentenced to a lot less than that.

Still, it’s a wonder he was convicted at all, given how hard it was to even find a jury to hear the case. Turns out it’s hard to lock down 12 people who feel impartial about one of the most hated men on the internet.

This week Harper’s Magazine published a section of the transcript from the three-day jury selection process. During this period, more than 200 prospective jurors were excused from the trial due to concerns they were biased against Shkreli.

One potential juror described him as “the face of corporate greed in America”. Another simply said “he kind of looks like a dick”.

Hell, the very first person they spoke to said they straight up hated the guy.

Juror No. 1: I’m aware of the defendant and I hate him.

[Shkreli’s lawyer] Benjamin Brafman: I’m sorry.

Juror No. 1: I think he’s a greedy little man.

The Court: Jurors are obligated to decide the case based only on the evidence. Do you agree?

Juror No. 1: I don’t know if I could. I wouldn’t want me on this jury.

Some jurors couldn’t see past the whole shameless price gouging thing.

Juror No. 125: I’ve read extensively about Martin’s shameful past and his ripping off sick people and it hits close to me. I have a mother with epilepsy, a grandmother with Alzheimer’s, and a brother with multiple sclerosis. I think somebody that’s dealt in those things deserves to go to jail.

The Court: Just to be clear, he’s not being charged with anything relating to the pricing of pharmaceuticals.

Juror No. 125: I understand that, but I already sense the man is guilty.

As for this person, they were just baffled by Shkreli’s whole plan.

Juror No. 28: I don’t like this person at all. I just can’t understand why he would be so stupid as to take an antibiotic which H.I.V. people need and jack it up five thousand percent. I would honestly, like, seriously like to go over there —

The Court: Sir, thank you.

Juror No. 28: Is he stupid or greedy? I can’t understand.

Still, I think my favourite is this guy.

Juror No. 59: Your Honor, totally he is guilty and in no way can I let him slide out of anything because —

The Court: Okay. Is that your attitude toward anyone charged with a crime who has not been proven guilty?

Juror No. 59: It’s my attitude toward his entire demeanor, what he has done to people.

The Court: All right. We are going to excuse you, sir.

Juror No. 59: And he disrespected the Wu-Tang Clan.

Don’t ever change, Juror No. 59. Don’t ever change.