Gaming

Red Dead Redemption 2’s Goats Are Jerks

Goats radiate a threatening aura at all times, and it is a wise man who heeds it.

by Amanda Yeo  12 December 2018
Red Dead Redemption 2

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Red Dead Redemption 2 is a video game about the unrequited love between a man and his horse. However, it may surprise you to learn that these are not the only four-legged creatures present in the game. There are deer. There are dogs. And, because where there is light there must also be darkness, there are goats.

Goats are the second closest thing we have to proof of the existence of evil, right beneath mankind itself. Nobody has ever looked into a goat’s square pupils and thought, “He seems like a cool guy, we could hang out.” Anybody with any sense avoids these beasts wherever possible, only willingly engaging from behind tall, sturdy fences.

Red Dead Redemption 2 is set in 1899, and as such the vast majority of the American landscape is still largely unbound by physical manifestations of arbitrary boundaries. Goats are thus hazards that cannot be avoided, as they are free to wander the wilderness unconstrained.

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Goats are chaos beasts placed upon this Earth to inflict pain, suffering and a general sense of inadequacy upon mankind. We may say that only God can judge us, but goats stand in defiance of all that should be.

Even when penned in, these crafty animals are a danger. Though their physical bodies can be constrained, their aggressive spirit cannot, and that is the greater danger.

Some misguided souls may say that the goats are merely defending their territory, and don’t mean any harm. Usually, a goat attack merely results in an embarrassing tumble, from which you can quickly pick yourself up.

However, I would postulate that this is only because goats lack the opposable thumbs that would enable them to more easily murder. Harmless headbutting is the most they can usually manage. If ever they were in a position to kill, they would do so without hesitation — and they have. Goats do not believe in the sanctity of life.

Goats radiate a threatening aura at all times, and it is a wise man who heeds it. It is true that horses will impassively watch you suffer. But goats will actively attack you unprovoked, picking fights like an insecure man with something to prove.

Interestingly, unlike their equine peers, goats can be skinned and eaten. I wouldn’t be going around headbutting people if I could easily be turned into a hearty stew with no consequence. But goats live on the wild side. It’s the only way they know how to live.

Love me some mutton.