I Regret To Inform You That Everyone Is Horny For The New Purple Wiggle, Justice Crew John

Goodbye Sleepy Jeff, Sexy John is now my new favourite Purple Wiggle.

Purple Wiggle John Pearce Justice Crew Tiktok

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Think back to the year 2012: Justice Crew’s ‘Boom Boom’ is playing at school dance parties and at every uni bar across the country. Trump wasn’t president yet. We had just survived the Mayan ‘Doomsday’ that was meant to destroy the world. COVID-19 doesn’t exist. Life was good.

Now, fast-forward to 2021, where Justice Crew member John Pearce has randomly been cast as one of the four new Wiggles members for the new Fruit Salad TV YouTube series. But don’t stress, some things are still the same as 2012: And that is everyone still being wildly horny for Justice Crew John.

The four new additional Wiggles were added to the troupe over the weekend in a bid to make the kid’s group more diverse. Founding group member and resident blue Wiggle, Anthony Field, shared that he felt it was time that the group change to “reflect our audience”.

“I’d been thinking about it for the last couple of years and there’s no better time than now,” Field explained over the weekend. “Morally we have to do this. I looked around the world and I thought: ‘We have to reflect our audience’. Our audience is not just one culture, we want children to see a mirror of themselves. I hope people, mums, and dads as well, will feel included.”

“It’s so important that The Wiggles continue to evolve along with our society.”

So, along with Filipino-Australian Justice Crew John as the new Purple Wiggle, 15-year-old Ethiopian-Australian Tsehay Hawkins has joined in red, Taribelang and Djabugay woman Evie Ferris in blue, and Asian-Amerian Kelly Hamilton is now twinning with Emma Wiggle in yellow.

Beyond the additional cast members, there are also new characters set to join staple icons like Dorothy the Dinosaur and Wags the Dog. The new characters include non-binary unicorn Shirley Shawn, a dancing cop called ‘Officer Beaples’, and a hand puppet named Bok.

The Wiggles with their new members.

Photo Credit: The Wiggles

As expected, sooky pissbabies like Matt Canavan were upset over The Wiggles and their pivot to “woke”. But while adult toddlers stomped around upset at the mere concept of diversity, the rest of Australia was just focused on one thing: How hot the new Purple Wiggle is.

Now, don’t get it twisted. Justice Crew’s John Pearce has always been very sexy.

After breaking out onto the scene through Australia’s Got Talent in 2010 with his all-male dance group, John and the Justice Crew pivoted to music and pumped out generic dance-pop bangers for a few years. With tracks like ‘Boom Boom’ and ‘Que Sera’ earning the group eight ARIA nominations, Justice Crew ended up touring with icons like Janet Jackson and One Direction. In 2017, John and his twin, fellow group member Lenny, even faced off on the first Australian season of Ninja Warrior together.

Then Justice Crew seemingly fell off the face of the Earth — that is, until John became the new Purple Wiggle and danced his way back into the hearts of the now-adult teens who loved him a decade ago.

Now-adults who are now, regretfully, just so extremely horny for Justice Crew John.

To be honest, I don’t blame them. The reign of Sleepy Jeff is truly over. Sexy John is now my new favourite Purple Wiggle.

You can catch the new Wiggles in the Fruit Salad TV series that premieres on The Wiggles YouTube channel on September 4.