School, a job or two (or three, or four), a social life, and enough sleep. That’s a list of things no actual human can have at once. The people that say “I can have it all!” are full of crap and we all know it. You can get close, but not without sacrificing at least a little bit of your soul, dignity, or something else I no longer have.

As someone who managed to work two jobs while writing a 15k-word thesis, go to the gym at least once a week, and go to a solid one in three social gatherings (that’s a good average for me at the best of times, don’t @ me), I have a couple of bad catchphrases and nuggets of information that might help you get close to the mythical “having-it-all”.

Earn Or Learn

Prioritising is OBVIOUSLY the only way to organise your life if you’re crazy busy. As a general rule, earn and learn should be the top two, although the order these two fall can change depending on if you’re strapped for cash or not passing a unit.

If you have a day off from work and no homework to catch up on (literally impossible), then you have a little more choice. If you’ve been neglecting your friends or family, visit them. If you haven’t changed your bedding in a month, do that. When you’re busy AF you don’t often have the luxury of doing what you want to do, it’s more what you need to do.

Say No

I am the best/worst at making plans with people and then coming up with an excuse to get out of it. This is a big call, but I think if you’re busy AF you’re allowed to be occasionally flaky. If you have plans but just want to go home and they won’t hate you forever for bailing, just do it. People won’t care if you went to Jenny’s Halloween party or not in six months, but you’ll remember the essay you bombed because you didn’t have any time to do it.

Pills Not Chills

Introducing the busy person’s one true love: multivitamins. It’s not easy to have a balanced diet every day for most people, let alone when you’re not home for most of your meals and have to get quick food in half hour lunch breaks. For example, last night I had a burger full of fried chicken and cheese, five bourbons, and a lot of ice cream – just call me #healthqueen. Multivitamins have got your back on days like that and help you stay healthy enough to keep you doing you. Because once you’re sick, you’re done. If it’s hard to be busy when you’re healthy, it’s literally impossible to be busy when you’re sick.

Keep On Track

The only thing I like about being busy is the fact I have a purpose for calendars, diaries, sticky notes, and STATIONARY. Not only do you feel super professional writing all your appointments in a book and saying to people “Friday should work, let me check my diary,” but you can’t accidentally stand your best friend up for a dinner date if it’s written down in front of you.

Generally planners show you the whole week in one place, so by using an actual planner you plan weekly, not daily. That’s one seventh of the time planning – that’s next level productivity. Phone calendars are good, but it’s more effort to create events for doing your washing instead of just writing it.

If you do all of these and you’re not even close to having it all, there’s no hope for you. Sorry.

(Lead image: Parks and Recreation/NBC)