It Just Became Legal To Pump Your Own Petrol In Oregon And They’re… Not Handling It Well

"I don't even know HOW to pump gas"

Pundits have been predicting that 2018 will be a year of great change and progress, and already we’re seeing they’re not wrong — just this week, it became legal to pump your own petrol in parts of Oregon for the first time.

Sure, if you’re from the wild world of Australia (or most of the US, actually), this might seem like a pretty small milestone. Personally, I’ve never not pumped my own petrol. But in Oregon, where until now it has been illegal for people to touch the petrol pumps themselves, the change has caused the general public to collectively lose their shit in the only way they know how: in the Facebook comments.

“I don’t even know HOW to pump gas and I am 62, native Oregonian…..I say NO THANKS!”, one punter wrote angrily in response to a news story about the change, despite it not in fact being a poll. Another guy made clear that he knows how to pump his own gas, but he chooses not to for the “same reason i don’t take carts back to cart area at stores, they provide the personel to do it for me…they have a job and i can be lazy…win win”.

“I’ve lived in this state all my life and I REFUSE to pump my own gas,” another person wrote, continuing the trend of opposing minuscule change by printing random words in all-caps. “I had to do it once in California while visiting my brother and almost died doing it. This a service only qualified people should perform. I will literally park at the pump and wait until someone pumps my gas. I can’t even”.

Unfortunately for that guy (that is, if he’s not a troll), simply parking at the pump and waiting does not seem to be a winning strategy. As a commenter from a self-service state wrote, “I seen a guy just sit at this pump for like 15 mins. Asked him if he was ok, He said ‘No the service here sucks, no one has come to pump my gas yet…’ I then had to explain to him he had to pump his own gas”.

As with most Facebook tantrums, the outrage ended up generating enough traction that the rest of the world found it and started offering helpful tips.

“I live in Australia,” one commenter wrote on behalf of us all. “Every year thousands of people are killed by vicious road gangs who are after what little gas we have left. Luckily for us, there is a lone road warrior named Max who patrols the deadly highways looking to protect the innocent. He pumps his own gas too.”

“Pumped my own gas my whole life and now my hands have literally melted down to my wrists,” another guy wrote. “I’m typing this with my tongue.”

Not everyone was so heartless, though. One commenter offered to move to Oregon and teach people how to pump their own gas, as well as tie their own shoes, count past ten and wipe their own butts.

“I understand Oregon, adulting is hard and sometimes you [need] someone to show you how. I’m here for you.”

We’re here for you too, Oregon. Watching, waiting, laughing. Enjoy pumping your own gas.