The Onion’s Review Of ‘Fifty Shades Freed’ Is A Terrifying Existential Nightmare

"The door is locked and as much as I scream... no one comes."

The Onion’s chief film critic Peter K. Rosenthal is well known for his unconventional approach to the art of movie reviewing. Whether he’s lusting creepily after Tom Holland in Spiderman: Homecoming, or complaining that he can’t understand what the dinosaurs are saying in Jurassic World, you can always count on the veteran cinema buff to deliver a unique and unexpected take.

Unfortunately, it would appear that the new Fifty Shades of Grey movie has finally driven Rosenthal insane.

“Today I’ll be discussing Fifty Shades Freed, the final instalment of the trilogy following the steamy romance of Anastasia and Christian Grey, and a film that has brought me to the profound realisation that I am dead,” begins Rosenthal. “I am dead, and as a punishment for my sins I have been trapped in some kind of film purgatory where I’m forced to review these derivative sequels and disposable franchises over and over again for all eternity.”

Oh boy.

The visibly distressed critic goes on to explain that he is unable to leave the “cosmic hell” of the empty set where he films his reviews, adding that he has no memory of his former life.

“Every DVD that I watch is slipped in on a tray through a crack in the door over there,” Rosenthal trembles. “And recently, for some baffling reason they’ve also been putting this revolver on it too.”

“Either way, the door’s locked. And as much as I scream and bang on it, no one comes.”

So yeah, that’s two thumbs down for Fifty Shades Freed, I guess.