NZ Prime Minister John Key Is In Trouble For Repeatedly Pulling On A Waitress’ Ponytail


It seems like old mate Tone’s not the only politician who has no fucking idea how to have a regular interaction with a human woman.

This morning, an Auckland waitress wrote an anonymous piece on a local blog claiming that New Zealand Prime Minster John Key has been repeatedly pulling her hair against her will when he frequents the cafe with his wife. At first she politely protested, then she made it clear the gesture was not welcome by avoiding him completely, then after SIX MONTHS of feeling “powerless and tormented” she yelled at him and started crying.

It’s kind of like that time that boy in your Year Two class emptied his crush’s tote tray to get her attention, except this time he’s the 53-year-old leader of a country.

Once Key realised his actions were causing her distress, he apologised to the waitress and brought her two bottles of wine, but this didn’t go over well.

“I pretty much felt like in my hands was a bribe,” she wrote this morning . “‘I didn’t realise’. Really?! That was almost more offensive than the harassment itself.”

Since the story has understandably started to take off across the country, the Prime Minister’s media office has confirmed the story to TVNZ clarifying that “his actions were intended to be light hearted”. “It was never his intention to make her feel uncomfortable and he has apologised to her,” said Key’s press secretary.

But, because this story could only be better if Key was also furiously masturbating each time he touched the stranger’s hair, Greens Party co-leader Metiria Turei has already spoken out against the Prime Minister’s actions very accurately labelling them “weird”.

“New Zealanders know you can’t walk into a cafe and start tugging on someone’s hair,” she told the NZ Herald. “It’s a sign of how out of touch John Key has become when he can’t even monitor how inappropriate his personal behaviour is, and when people are not comfortable with how he is behaving.”

Others on social media are criticising him for demeaning women, contributing to rape culture and being a straight-up “gronk”. Also, it turns out he has a less than ideal history with this kind of thing.

Last year, after NZ Labour leader David Cunliffe made an impassioned speech against domestic violence, saying he was ashamed to be a man considering they’re responsible for a vast majority of these crimes. Key took another approach.

Astonishingly, this isn’t even the first ponytail he’s grabbed.

Did he have some bizarre fascination with horses as a boy? Is this a genuine attempt at a meaningful interaction with the opposite sex? WHY DO WE KEEP ELECTING THESE CREEPERS?

But hey, maybe I’m being too harsh. Who among us could say they wouldn’t do the same?

If I were Prime Minister I would regularly go up to strange men and stick my hands in their beards; I’d rustle around in there getting slightly stuck, while giving their chins a cheeky tickle and staring unflinchingly into their eyes.

Why? Because I know what you fellas like.

Feature image via Tony Abbott/Facebook.