Politics

In Good Conscience, I Can No Longer Continue Working At The Death Star

Yet another senior employee at an evil corporation has spoken out.

news corp death star resignation letter

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
CC: storm.trooperz.net, [email protected], [email protected], [email protected]

Hi Sheev,

Thank you for the hologram regarding fundraising and support initiatives in relation to the exploding of Alderaan by the Death Star’s devastating super laser.

Unfortunately however, this does not offset the impact the Death Star has had on Alderaan in the past few parsecs. I have been severely impacted by the Death’s Star’s super laser in relation to the extreme explosion of the planet, in particular the misinformation that has diverted attention away from the real issue — which is moon sized super lasers — to focus on rebel forces (including disintegration of Bothan spies).

I find it unconscionable to continue working for the Galactic Empire, knowing that I am contributing to the spreading of ‘super’ laser beams over mono-topographical planets.

The lasers I have witnessed in the Death Star, Star Destroyers, and even certain AT-ATs are not only irresponsible, but dangerous and damaging to our communities, Trade Federations, and beautiful planets (like Naboo or Alderaan, as opposed to say, Geonosis). We need to acknowledge that firing a giant super laser at planets is both too Dark Side, and also bad for the local podracing circuit.

The Grand Moff’s decision to take this approach at such a devastating period for our Empire — a period of civil war, rebel spaceships only recently striking from a hidden base and winning a victory against us — is a step too far far away from common decency for any of us loyal citizens to ignore and continue with our daily tasks of knocking our heads on blast doors or making loud *gonk* noises.

I know the Empire was founded on an undemocratic coup and the violent purge of an order of peaceful laser sword wielding war commando monks, but I’m finding this recent behaviour distressingly Sith. I didn’t mind when we were flamethrowering elderly farmers in their homesteads, and I loved watching Darth Vader mince up panicky freedom fighters in narrow hallways, but the recent insistence on planet exploding super lasers has actually made working here reprehensible.

Anxiety and disappointment lead to fear which leads anger which leads to hate, which as we all know, leads to suffering. I am finding it incredibly difficult to focus on my work and do my job of guarding the big switch that operates the Death Star’s tractor beam.

I hope this Galactic Empire email will get you as a leader of this organisation to consider the big picture, and the impact of our planet-sized super laser.

And if you think you can throw me in the trash compactor or force choke me through a video monitor for speaking my truth, all I can say is: DON’T TRY IT!

I have the high ground.

May the force be with you,
Trooper N567433


Patrick Marlborough is a writer and comedian based out of Fremantle. He tweets at @Cormac_McCafe.