We Ranked Musical Instruments By How Much We Want To Fuck Them
French horn: Curves for days.
We don’t need to explain ourselves, we know you’re intrigued, you’re already reading the article.
The team at Music Junkee have spent an afternoon deliberating, and after much discussion about textures, timbre, size, and shape, we proudly present to you our ranking of musical instruments according to their fuckability.
Strap yourself in, and if you wanna get a bit spicy…strap in your glockenspiel too.
48. Bass Drum
The bass drum is the water boy of instruments: it has one job and no ability to change or do better. Not. Hot.
46. Acoustic Guitar
We’re not getting with any instrument that has been held by someone saying “Anyway, heres ‘Wonderwall'”
Too many phallic attachments just hanging off it, flopping all over the place.
Too smol, would not bang.
You’ll Rieu the day you hook up with one of these bad boys.
Old and boring. In the bin
Indecisiveness is never sexy. Is it for washing? Is it an instrument? Just pick a fucking career and stick to it.
The accordion is an instrument made from all the spare parts. No thanks!
39. Laser harp
Any instrument Kesha pretended to play before she removed the “$” from her name is not sexy.
The musical equivalent of a fart. Strong pass.
The contrabassoon has a serious issue with confidence. It’s always hanging it’s head in shame. That’s not sexy.
Nothing beats the real thing, soz hun.
The tuba has minimal redeeming features and all of them should be melted down immediately and turned into glockenspiels.
Nothing about a harp makes you want to tear off your clothes and jump it. It’s too chilled out and fancy.
Liars, all of them! They pretend they’re thicc from the front on their Instagram posts but in reality as soon as they turn to their side the illusion is ruined and you see how skinny they truly are.
Relatively inoffensive, but therein lies the problem. Fading into the background is not sexy.
Mallet beaten wooden bars are boring. Not hot.
28. Snare Drum
Also known as the ‘side drum’, it’s also the side piece you’re too embarrassed to tell anyone about.
The more understated looking of the brass instruments. Don’t be fooled however, trumpets are super kinky and love to be gagged. It’s shook inducing.
25. Bass Guitar
These guys are really hit and miss. You never know if you’re hooking up with a bass that’s toured the world with a credible band or if it spends most of it’s evenings in a suburban garage involved in terrible ska covers.
Perfect if you like to blow.
Keytars are so ’80s, but damn they still look good.
The oboe is double reeded, we don’t really know how that makes it different from other instruments but we’d still fuck it.
21. Pan Flutes
If they’re good enough for Shakira to fuck with them, they’re good enough for us to fuck.
The stick insect of the instrument world, the bassoon is a long snack that we wanna swallow whole.
Any drum that can change notes is far superior to other basic drums and should be treated as a god and worshipped/feared.
18. Musical Saw
There’s something sexy about the danger and the absurdity of the saw being used as an instrument. We want more.
17. Cor Anglais
The cor anglais is sexy in a mysterious way… The name is French but but literally translates to “English horn”… That’s hot.
They like it fast and loud.
The recorder is that friend you had in primary school and then they glow’d the fuck up in high school. Except they didn’t actually glow up, you’re just sexually attracted to instruments now.
Mallet beaten metal bars? A stunning and brave concept. We volunteer as the beaters.
100 percent would. Who doesn’t dream of finding a nice country boy to settle down with?
12. Bass Clarinet
It’s like a silver spoon saxophone. The bass clarinet comes from money and we’re not ashamed of being turned on by that.
Tambourines are pretty much begging to be spanked. It’s kinky and we love that.
It’s all in the name.
9. French Horn
Curves for days.
A step up from the Violin and Viola. The cello is the type of instrument you end up accidentally in a long term relationship with by accident. It’s a nice relationship though, at least until the second child.
No reasons required. It wouldn’t even have to buy us a drink first.
We wanna hear a saxophone’s careless whisper in the morning after.
We feel the vibes.
We’re not talking any old organ. We want a sexy over the top organ in a cathedral. We want the room filled with the droning moaning sound that only comes from a hot as fuck organ.
Scary music, scary good at the sex stuff.
1. Double Bass
The sexiest of all instruments. Deep voice? Check. Tall? Check. Thicc? Hell yeah. Fuck me up bass daddy.
Patrick Campbell is a writer, DJ, and event promoter based in Sydney. His goal for the end of 2018 is to go to IKEA and leave with what he went for in the first place. Follow him on Twitter.