Music

We Ranked Musical Instruments By How Much We Want To Fuck Them

French horn: Curves for days.

We don’t need to explain ourselves, we know you’re intrigued, you’re already reading the article.

The team at Music Junkee have spent an afternoon deliberating, and after much discussion about textures, timbre, size, and shape, we proudly present to you our ranking of musical instruments according to their fuckability.

Strap yourself in, and if you wanna get a bit spicy…strap in your glockenspiel too.


48. Bass Drum

The bass drum is the water boy of instruments: it has one job and no ability to change or do better. Not. Hot.

47. Vuvuzela

NOPE.

46. Acoustic Guitar

We’re not getting with any instrument that has been held by someone saying “Anyway, heres ‘Wonderwall'”

45. Bagpipes

Too many phallic attachments just hanging off it, flopping all over the place.

44. Ukelele

Too smol, would not bang.

43. Violin


You’ll Rieu the day you hook up with one of these bad boys.

42. Harpsichord

Old and boring. In the bin

41. Washboard

Indecisiveness is never sexy. Is it for washing? Is it an instrument? Just pick a fucking career and stick to it.

40. Accordion

The accordion is an instrument made from all the spare parts. No thanks!

39. Laser harp

Any instrument Kesha pretended to play before she removed the “$” from her name is not sexy.

38. Trombone

The musical equivalent of a fart. Strong pass.

37. Contrabassoon

The contrabassoon has a serious issue with confidence. It’s always hanging it’s head in shame. That’s not sexy.

36. Synthesizer

Nothing beats the real thing, soz hun.

35. Tuba

The tuba has minimal redeeming features and all of them should be melted down immediately and turned into glockenspiels.

34. Harp

Nothing about a harp makes you want to tear off your clothes and jump it. It’s too chilled out and fancy.

33. Marimba

32. Piano

SO. BASIC.

31. Viola

Liars, all of them! They pretend they’re thicc from the front on their Instagram posts but in reality as soon as they turn to their side the illusion is ruined and you see how skinny they truly are.

30. Clarinet

Relatively inoffensive, but therein lies the problem. Fading into the background is not sexy.

29. Xylophone

Mallet beaten wooden bars are boring. Not hot.

28. Snare Drum

Also known as the ‘side drum’, it’s also the side piece you’re too embarrassed to tell anyone about.

27. Trumpet

The more understated looking of the brass instruments. Don’t be fooled however, trumpets are super kinky and love to be gagged. It’s shook inducing.

26. Piccolo

Size matters.

25. Bass Guitar

These guys are really hit and miss. You never know if you’re hooking up with a bass that’s toured the world with a credible band or if it spends most of it’s evenings in a suburban garage involved in terrible ska covers.

24. Flute

Perfect if you like to blow.

23. Keytar

Keytars are so ’80s, but damn they still look good.

22. Oboe

The oboe is double reeded, we don’t really know how that makes it different from other instruments but we’d still fuck it.

21. Pan Flutes

If they’re good enough for Shakira to fuck with them, they’re good enough for us to fuck.

20. Bassoon

The stick insect of the instrument world, the bassoon is a long snack that we wanna swallow whole.

19. Timpani

Any drum that can change notes is far superior to other basic drums and should be treated as a god and worshipped/feared.

18. Musical Saw

There’s something sexy about the danger and the absurdity of the saw being used as an instrument. We want more.

17. Cor Anglais

The cor anglais is sexy in a mysterious way… The name is French but but literally translates to “English horn”… That’s hot.

16. Cymbals

They like it fast and loud.

15. Recorder

The recorder is that friend you had in primary school and then they glow’d the fuck up in high school. Except they didn’t actually glow up, you’re just sexually attracted to instruments now.

14. Glockenspiel

Mallet beaten metal bars? A stunning and brave concept. We volunteer as the beaters.

13. Banjo

100 percent would. Who doesn’t dream of finding a nice country boy to settle down with?

12. Bass Clarinet

It’s like a silver spoon saxophone. The bass clarinet comes from money and we’re not ashamed of being turned on by that.

11. Tambourine

Tambourines are pretty much begging to be spanked. It’s kinky and we love that.

10. Fiddle

It’s all in the name.

9. French Horn

Curves for days.

8. Cello

A step up from the Violin and Viola. The cello is the type of instrument you end up accidentally in a long term relationship with by accident. It’s a nice relationship though, at least until the second child.

7. Cowbell

No reasons required. It wouldn’t even have to buy us a drink first.

6. Saxophones

We wanna hear a saxophone’s careless whisper in the morning after.

5. Vibraphone

We feel the vibes.

4. Organ

We’re not talking any old organ. We want a sexy over the top organ in a cathedral. We want the room filled with the droning moaning sound that only comes from a hot as fuck organ.

3. Triangle

2. Theremin

Scary music, scary good at the sex stuff.

1. Double Bass

The sexiest of all instruments. Deep voice? Check. Tall? Check. Thicc? Hell yeah. Fuck me up bass daddy.

Double bass sexy

Patrick Campbell is a writer, DJ, and event promoter based in Sydney. His goal for the end of 2018 is to go to IKEA and leave with what he went for in the first place. Follow him on Twitter.