Culture

Wait, Do Men Not Wash Their Hands?

"'Toxic' masculinity is not just a metaphor."

by Michelle Rennex  5 March 2020
men don't wash hands

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It has come to my attention that men apparently don’t wash their hands after they go to the bathroom — and seriously, what the hell?

Health institutions have explicitly stated that one the best ways to prevent the spread of coronavirus is by washing your hands. Even the World Health Organisation explains that a regular and thorough washing can remove any lingering viruses present on your hands.

So I just have one question. Men… why the fuck aren’t y’all washing yours?

Comedy writer Jenny Jaffe noticed an increase in tweets from clean men talking about their absolutely filthy brethren. Apparently a lot of men are only starting to wash their hands because of coronavirus and not for, I don’t know, general cleanliness?

Now I’m not saying that it’s men who are responsible for the wild spread of coronavirus, but this whole “touch my dick then everything else” energy sounds like a pretty huge contributing factor.

A study in 2009 found that only a measly 31 percent of men washed their hands after using the bathroom compared to 65 percent of women. That means a whopping 69 percent of the male race are spreading their germs and gross dick hands to places they truly shouldn’t be.

To put this into perspective: If you work in an office, have fun thinking about how many dick hands have been inside the communal bag of chips that sit on the lunch desk for three hours as people slowly pick at them. That doughnut that everyone’s decided to cut into eight pieces instead of just halving one? Yep, dick bacteria.

Don’t even get me started on the fruit bowl because now you’re just sitting there chomping down on a dick juice-covered apple. Absolutely feral.

I thought that Jenny’s discovery of tweets about men not actually washing their hands had to be a lie. But upon further inspection, it looks like it’s true. Men truly are grubs.

“Hmm didn’t realise until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used,” TV writer Demi Adejuyigbe tweeted. “First time in my life I’ve seen men use hand soap in a public bathroom,” replied reporter Ryan Broderick. Both of whom we have to assume are sensible men who care about general cleanliness.

But oh, boy, the tweets didn’t stop there. Many other clean men have taken to Twitter to, justifiably, call out the dirty boys they see in the public bathrooms. And I don’t know about you, but I am very concerned.

If it takes a global virus spreading to make you pick up a bar of soap and think “better give this a go” then Coronavirus is the very least of our problems.

For those who need some handwashing tips, which after today sounds like a whole lot of men, it’s recommended that hands be washed for at least 20 seconds. Singing a song with a 20-second chorus can help you time your scrubbing accordingly. Some places suggest singing ‘Happy Birthday’ twice over, but knowing men, they’d probably resonate more with the chorus of The Killer’s ‘Mr Brightside’.

While this should go without saying, you should be washing your hands regardless of a coronavirus threat. Please don’t be a dirty grub and just wash your hands frequently — but especially after you’ve just pissed everywhere and shaken your dick, men. Please.