You Need To Read Meghan Trainor’s Press Release, The Horniest Piece Of Literature Of All Time
Her new EP is perfect if you're "planning on smashing bae's junk to smithereens".
Occasionally, a piece of literature arrives to shake not only the Earth, but our inner core. As Hélène Cixous writes, a good book “must be an axe for the frozen sea inside us”: it is best felt when we do not know it is coming, but, serendipitously, it is always read when you most need it. And we certainly didn’t think it’d come in the form of Meghan Trainor’s new press release.
Trainor recently dropped her new EP, The Love Train, coinciding with her marriage to Daryl Sabara, who, most famously, played Juni Cortez in the Spy Kids series. You probably know this through osmosis, because last year they were photographed solemnly leaving a sex shop together.
Or, as this press release says, “unless your phone’s been broken for a hot minute, you know that Meghan just got married to the ginger from Spy Kids, and trust when we say, girl is feeling the love.”
If you, by some privilege, do not regularly receive press releases, then know they are the Wild West of emails, a frontier where rules of grammar, sentence structure or general respectability can and often are discarded in the attempt to colonise your attention.
Having said this, Trainor’s press release — which promises that the EP “slaps so hard you’ll be stanning for days” and is perfect if you’re “planning on smashing bae’s junk to smithereens of making out with a pint of Phish food” — is a work of art.
We now provide the full press release in detail, since it’s best experienced in full. Since Paper Magazine covered it this weekend, it’s done the rounds on Twitter, with people truly “stanning” and shouting “choo choo betch!” at the email.
While we love the idea of it being written by an unhinged PR assistance who reaches a mania that only comes from giving up completely in a job, it turns out the very real release was ghost-written by comedian Caroline Goldfarb.
A lot of people absolutely HATE the press release I wrote for Meghan Trainor and claim it seems like “a horny 12 year old with no writing experience” must have written it. Jokes on them because I’m actually a horny 28 year old with *some* writing experience https://t.co/KzNKsZxWhV
— caroline goldfarb (@hairoline) February 16, 2019
Nonetheless, we still think it’s a piece de resistance, which, as Goldfarb writes, is “French for ‘Wig Snatch'”.
Enjoy — and let the frozen sea thaw.
Meghan Trainor’s Stunning Press Release
(February 8, 2019 – Los Angeles, CA) — Valentine’s Day is around the corner, and whether you’re planning on smashing bae’s junk to smithereens or making out with a pint of Phish Food, you need some fresh Valentine’s Day bops to get you in the mood for L♡VE. And MEGHAN TRAINOR has got you covered with her new EP, THE LOVE TRAIN [Epic Records.]
You know you want it. And you can freakin’ get it b*tch. On all digital platforms right HERE.
Meghan’s seducing your ears this V-Day, and you know she knows a thing or two about romance. Unless your phone’s been broken for a hot minute, you know that Meghan just got married to the ginger from Spy Kids, and trust when we say, girl is feeling the love. She took a break from her busy schedule to record some fire tracks in Los Angeles alongside frequent collaborators and producers Andrew Wells [5SOS, Fall Out Boy, Jason Mraz], J KASH (Maroon 5, Charlie Puth, Kesha) and Tyler Johnson [Harry Styles, CAM].
We know you want to hear songs about all the hot newlywed sex Meghan and Daryl Sa-BAE-ra are having (did you see what we did there?). Which is why you’ll love the banging’ single “All The Ways.” Billboard was wet for “All The Ways,” calling it “another fun, danceable track to fall in love with.” And would Billboard lie to you, girl?
But perhaps the piece de resistance (that’s French for “Wig Snatch”) is “Marry Me,” a romantic acoustic guitar and ukulele-tinged Awww Fest which delivers all the feels (and then more feels). Meghan wrote the song thirty days after meeting Daryl, and it was so good that she walked down the aisle to it. We know, it’s a little bit #Vomworthy, but also, am I chopping onions right now or are those tears rolling down my face? I’m not crying, you’re crying.
And as always, our Grammy-Winning, Diamond Single-having QUEEN didn’t just come to play — she came to slay. She’s serving vocals on the passionate, Celine Dion-esque power ballad “After You.” Plus, Meghan’s serving your insatiable thirst for dance-ready bops with the upbeat banger that is “Foolish.” It slaps so hard you’ll be stanning for days. “As if all the PDA, including foot massages, butterfly kisses and piggy back rides aren’t cringe worthy enough,” says her brother and videographer Ryan… “I’ve got to film it all!”
Choo choo betch! The Love Train is leaving the station and you better get on board.
Be on the lookout for more surprises very soon as she prepares for a landmark 2019.