‘MasterChef’ Semi-Final Recap: Can Someone Please Explain To Me How To Cut Tuna?
Cut the goddamn tuna Elena, just cut it.
It’s fair to say that this year, MasterChef has been a little bit boring. The people are nice! Everyone seems lovely! Not a single person has tried to sneak even a whiff of white chocolate into anything. But maybe that’s the problem?
Anyway, the end of things is always the best part (also see: the Roman Empire) so let’s dive in to the semi-final with clear eyes, full hearts and empty stomachs. Meet the final three: Matt, Harry and Elena!
it us, dem contestants
Tonight one person will be knocked out of the competition and therefore they are advised to “cook like your life depends on it” because FYI the losing contestant will be diced, sautéed in a red wine reduction and fed to contestants of The Bachelor, bye. You don’t see that at Coles! (Or maybe you do, I get takeaway a lot.)
In the MasterChef house, Matt is pacing in the kitchen and staring at the oven. “There’s lots of twists in life,” he says.“ I’m here now.” You sure are, Matt! Matt just wants to open a food truck — he must have recently watched Chef on a plane like everyone else — which he could probably do without MasterChef. Matt looks like he is about to have a mental breakdown.
“Wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend.”
Elena is writing in a diary or something, probably to avoid Matt hyperventilating in the kitchen, and says that the dessert she plans on making today is a homage to her grandma or something. Harry is sitting on his bed looking real grumpy, and says that he plans on cooking “Italian or European cuisine” which is a puzzling and fantastic thing to say.
They walk into the kitchen and all the bitter ex-contestants are there pretending to be happy for them!
Look, some people who are 100 percent fine and are DEFINITELY not salty, everything is fine!
“THIS IS…. THE SEMI… FINAL!” Gary says and then kicks George into a gaping hole in the ground, nah just kidding, all the contestants just smile nervously. “This is going to be the hardest day of your dumb lives,” says Gary. Every time he emphasises how hard the day is going to be, the old contestants look they’re going to explode from glee. “Good is not good enough, great is not going to be great enough” says Matt and everyone is like “wot” but there’s no time for confusion, because the cook is about to start!
“This cook is going to decide your destiny,” says George because MasterChef is now a parody of itself and they need to raise the stakes by invoking destiny and death constantly. Next year they’re making the contestants cook while slowly rotating them on a spit! You’re hot and you’re cold! etc.
Their dishes, George explains will be judged on “deliciousness” which you know, duh. Shannon Bennett will apparently “kick” them if they cook badly — or if they show any emotion, for some reason? Shannon Bennett basically tells them that he already expects that they’re going to fuck it up, so good luck idiots. “IT’S TIME TO COOK FOR YOUR LIFE,” says George. Harry, Matt and Elena run for cover.
Matt has decided that he’s cooking confit duck leg, his perpetually terrified eyes darting back and forth, looking for the nearest exit. Elena announces that her dessert is going to be “apples, cheese and bickies” which sounds like a bad RSL platter, but okay. She is also making a salad, so begins boiling to what my eyes looks like 800 eggs. People deal with stress is funny ways.
Harry has decided that he doesn’t want to be known for Asian-influenced cooking anymore and instead wants to tackle Italian food because he doesn’t usually like making that. Solid plan! Shannon shakes his hand, but then holds his hand for a little too long. Harry says he’s also making tiramisu. Shannon very intently watches him spread some meringue and whispers, “it’s beautiful”. Harry is Shannon’s favourite.
“Good job Harry, you are a good Harry.”
In a huddle, Garry explains to George and Shannon that having a bad idea means that you’ll cook a bad meal. They all agree with this. “Harry thinks he’s got it in the bag,” Shannon says and they all laugh. Shannon has betrayed Harry to look cool in front of his friends. George is worried, because Elena only has four hours to peel roughly 500,000 boiled eggs.
Elena too is questioning why she has decided to boil so many eggs. She moves on to a giant chunk of tuna and stares at it wordlessly, knife raised in the air. Elena is freaking out so much that she has actually forgotten how to cut things. She just keeps staring at the mound of flesh and can’t figure out what to do with it. This is the best illustration of an anxiety attack I have ever seen on reality television.
She keeps coming at it from every angle like, “Ooo, what if…?” “If I go this…?” Until Shannon asks her what shape she is trying to cut and she says, “rectangle”.
“But how do I…”
“You just cut it, and then it is cut.”
“I see.”
Shannon tells her to “smile” which women ABSOLUTELY love, by the by. Elena remembers how to cut things again. She is now eight steps into her 57 step plan.
Matt meanwhile is sweating profusely and hacking at these ducks like they’ve wronged him in a past life. He also puts a metal bowl in the microwave ‘accidentally’ and definitely not as a ploy to stop the competition so he can have a lie down. “THERE ARE SO MANY INGREDIENTS!” he says to no-one. TWO HOURS TO GO!!
THE CONTESTANTS ARE BLOODY LOVING IT!!
Harry cannot bloody believe how nice his lobster flavours are! Haven’t you heard — eh bellissimo, Harry lovsa Italiano foodah now! Shannon reckons the fish Harry is using is too fatty. Harry is momentarily devastated. “It’s worrying when the best chef in Australia is questioning your dish” says Harry. Then he continues to go on with the fatty fish anyway, because great artists never compromise and also, YOLO.
bAd Boi 4 LyF
Elena has peeled roughly 1.5 million boiled eggs now and is now frantically peeling potatoes. She doesn’t even wash the potatoes. She peels so erratically, that it would not surprise me if she’s connecting with skin. Maybe this is her plan — to peel, peel, peel herself into non-existence so she won’t have to figure out how to serve her boiled eggs and everyone will be like, “Where’s Elena” but she will be nowhere. Shannon lets her know that she’s about two hours behind, by individually listing the elements she is yet to finish in a very time consuming matter.
“Work faster,” someone from the balcony says.
…
Meanwhile, Harry is sooo excited about all the Italian flavours in his dish, flavours he doesn’t actually enjoy! “MAMMA MIA! I forgot the artichokes!” says Harry. He decides to shelve the artichokes because it’s almost serving time, but Shannon says he has to serve the artichokes because it’s better television that way. “Pull your finger out mate, get a move on” says some old bloke in the balcony.
“THE CYCLONE IS ABOUT TO HIT!” says Shannon Bennett. Can everyone just relax?
EVERYONE IS SHOUTING!
judging u
The customers filter in and while they seem very chill and start sinking some fine cabernet, Shannon Bennett keeps screaming “THE CUSTOMERS ARE HUNGRY!” as if they have been deliberately starved in anticipation for this tiny portioned meal. “KEEP PUSHING, KEEP PUSHING,” Shannon yells at the contestants, and every pregnant woman in Australia simultaneously gives birth.
It’s time to judge the mains! Matt’s duck comes out and Matt, George and Gary start groaning in a very inappropriate manner. “Thank you Matt for being in this competition,” George says, his mouth full of rich, buttery duck. So… Matt has just won this, right? Matt Preston keeps saying “the flesh” and it makes me want to have 5000 showers. Gary reckons he would walk 1000 miles to get at this sweet duck.
Dat sweet duck, tho.
It’s Harry’s turn! Harry’s molto bene cannelloni look like an artery in an anti-smoking ad.
Pass.
George decides that there’s not enough sauce on his cannelloni which he finds decidedly not molto bene, so he exercises his privilege by just walking up to Harry’s work station and helping himself. Elena serves them her fishy dish and Matt complains that it’s “not moist enough”, so back in the shower I go!
The team is making their desserts. Elena is cutting apples into matchsticks, because she wants to make the portion sizes as hard as possible for herself. Now the ex-contestants are telling her to “PUSH PUSH PUSH!” “I’m pushing harder!” she says. I wonder if a lot of stress peeing happens in the MasterChef kitchen. Matt screams “HAIL MARY!” at the microwave when his curd won’t thicken, because I don’t think he knows how praying works.
The judges love Matt’s dessert! They think Elena’s dessert is weird and they can’t figure out if they like the taste, which means it’s artisanal and fantastic! Harry’s dessert tastes like tiramisu but it doesn’t look like tiramisu, which means it’s a triumph! I realise that when George is really enjoying the taste of something, he looks sad.
“All around me are familiar faces.”
It’s time to push one of the contestants out to sea on a canoe and then set the canoe on fire. Matt, of course, gets through (Matt has already won, right?) and he starts crying because he is hanging by a single thread right now. I feel like signing Third-Eye Blind songs to him and telling him everything is going to be okay. Elena also gets through because she boils a mighty fine egg, I tell ya! Bye Harry!
I am now invested in this show. And you guys… I have a feeling Matt is going to win.
You’re okay, mate.
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The MasterChef finale is on Channel Ten tonight at 7.30pm (until midnight, probably).