Crowning Every Winner From The Eighth Wholesome Week Of ‘MasterChef’
I hope you aren't scared of crayfish, because this week is all about crayfish.
It’s week eight of MasterChef and the gang are out gallivanting around Victoria, sampling the best the state has to offer, while Melbourne spent most of the week stuck in its fourth lockdown. What a fun and special time for us all.
I’ve heard tales of this ‘outdoors’ business, but I have yet to experience it
It’s been a heck of a week all round, so I reckon some awards are in order.
The Nope Award for Horrifying Food Prep – Jock and Crayfish
The week kicked off in Apollo Bay, which we are thoroughly told is the “crayfish capital” of Victoria. I’m thrilled for Apollo Bay, because it is quite far from my home suburb and means these terrifying creatures of the deep can stay away from me.
Jock does a fun little demo for all the contestants to show them how to get the most out of their crayfish, which involves clicking off all the legs, removing all the innards, and then putting them on display like a high-concept serial killer from a prestige drama. It’s very impressive in a way that makes you terrified.
Half-Life 3’s graphics look amazing
Biggest Ovary-Related Pain – Sabina and Minoli
In the crayfish team challenge, the contestants had to produce two dishes — one that used crayfish in a traditional way and one that used it in a way the judges hadn’t seen before. Enter a bunch of dishes that the world hasn’t seen before for a reason.
Minoli and Sabina went the most hog wild with their inventive dish, deciding to make crayfish doughnuts with an ovary aioli. An ovarioli, if you will, and I certainly will not. It seems the universe was also far from enamoured with this idea, ‘cause try as they might, the pink team just couldn’t get their aioli to work. The sauce refused to emulsify and then their plan B – an ovary dipping sauce made with creme fraiche – split. Some experiments are just better left alone.
Minoli and Sabina look upon their works and despair.
Most Ethereal – Pete
Pete, aka MasterChef season 13’s resident river wisp, was back on his Puglisi inspo, taking the guts and legs of a crayfish and cleverly disguising them as something far more appetising — raw onion halves sat in a rusty puddle.
Jock is thrilled by Pete’s dish, calling it “ethereal”. Andy says the same, but in a tone that suggests he’s unsure what ethereal means. I guess it must be something that you only understand by eating it, because to me this dish just looks like what you would make in a Shrek-themed challenge.
Onions? In MY swamp?
Most Likely To Be Who I Look Like 30 Years From Now – Alla Wolf-Tasker
On Tuesday, Alla Wolf-Tasker provided the perfect antidote to the terrors of the crayfish challenge — a nice vegetarian cook on her farm in Daylesford. Delightful!
Alla’s aesthetic and entire vibe is exactly what I aspire to be in my later years. Except not running a restaurant, because that sounds like a nightmare. Someone else can run the restaurant and I’ll just lounge about in the dirt, nibbling on raw veg and doing paintings of butts or whatever.
Alla also called Sabina “Beans” and it was adorable, guys
Prettiest Dish – Sabina
In the vegetarian elimination challenge, Sabina made a fancy-ass carrot salad and it’s beautiful to look at. It’s the cutest little snack I ever did see and I wish I could order it and make it come to my house, because it also looks like a lot of effort for a snack. If it’s got more steps than “open bag”, I’m simply not gonna do it.
It looks delicious, but on the other hand, I could just eat plain crackers out of a box and not chop anything
Largest Ticket Seller For The Gun Show – Amir
We said goodbye to Amir on Tuesday, after his beetroot kebabs were burnt on the outside but raw in the middle. Yet another victim falls to the merciless Hibachi. If it happens again, I’m starting a change.org petition to ban the damn things.
Although it’s sad to see Amir be left on a nice farm upstate, he gave us a final parting gift, showcasing his hefty biceps while whaling on a mortar and pestle. Thank you, Amir, for bringing the only beef that is acceptable in a vegetarian cooking challenge.
Here’s hoping Amir branches out and starts an extremely niche OnlyFans
The Alanis Morrisette Award for Irony – Mel
Wednesday’s challenge took place in Melbourne’s CBD, starting up on the roof of The Langham. Mel gave a lovely speech about how rough Melbourne’s hospitality sector had been hit by COVID last year and then uproariously declared “Melbourne’s back!” That’s right! We’re back! Back in lockdown! Everyone watching in Melbourne had a minor breakdown, and fate laughed pitilessly on MasterChef’s editors.
TFW Melbourne is absolutely not back
Most Representative of Melbourne – Pete
The contestants were sent off to explore Melbourne with a fresh new phone to take photos with and a paper map to help them get around, because I guess Samsungs don’t have a maps app. The challenge was to take a photo in the city and then make a dish to reflect that photo.
Many used flavours to reflect Melbourne’s cultures of “liking the hot bean juice”, “eating food off the street” and “dressing like you’re in mourning at all times”, but do these really speak to the flavours of this great city? Where was the innovative dish that tasted of 7-Eleven egg sandwiches and cigarettes? Why didn’t we see a granita showcasing the flavours of a burger that you had to pry from the mouth of a seagull that stole it from your hands at Fed Square?
Pete, however, came through by plating up a dish that asked the question, “How would the Yarra taste?” It involved mussels because he thinks it would taste of minerals and salinity, but a more accurate Yarra dish would have been some kind of dirt soup featuring mystery croutons. Anyway, good on Pete for giving it a crack.
The police helicopter finally comes to claim Pete for his food crimes
Most Likely To Baffle Cardiologists – Justin
Justin also had a good stab at recreating a true Melbourne experience, by taking a photo of some overly earnest street art – an anatomically-correct heart covered with a magnifying glass and the words “look inside you”. When asked what was inside his heart, Justin said it was chicken curry in there. I’m no doctor, but I think chicken curry can’t sub in for blood on account of all the chunks. He should definitely get that checked out.
Jock attempts to tunnel into Justin’s heart to access the delicious chicken curry inside
The Baudrillard Award for Arty Fartery – Kishwar
Kishwar nipped down to the NGV International and got a lovely snap of the water wall out the front. Her abstract shot reminded her of a rainbow-striped fish leaping out of the water, over a small blob of anger, so that’s what she put on the plate. It’s a slice of fish, simulating a reflection of light that resembles a fish, which feels like some real ‘stuff I learned in my Arts degree but then immediately forgot after I graduated’ shit. It’s fancy as hell and it earns her a spot in Thursday’s immunity cook.
I’m just glad NGV is no longer showing Piss Christ or this could have been a very different dish
Most Likely To Be A Supervillain’s Lair – Lune
Fun fact – I’m within walking distance of Lune pretty much every day of my life, but I’ve never been in there because I’ve always suspected it was too intimidating an environment for this anxious woman. Thursday’s visit to Lune only served to confirm my theory. If you made a comic book villain based on the concept of “inner north foodie”, this would be their headquarters. A big brick warehouse with a black glass cube in the middle where you can see very fancy chefs make croissants that take three days.
Most Aerodynamic – Kate Reid
Thursday’s episode taught me that Kate Reid, the founder of Lune Croissanterie, invented the cruffin. Not only is she an extraordinary pastry chef, she was previously a Formula 1 aerodynamicist, which explains why cruffins are so perfectly designed to be shoved in my gob at lightning speeds.
Kate explaining the effort that goes into producing the cruffin, seconds before Jock tears it to pieces for fun
Most Relatable – Linda
The croissants at Lune are so ridiculous, the contestants weren’t expected to make them from scratch. Each was given some pre-proofed pastries and all they had to do was egg wash them and bung ‘em in the oven. Seems like an easy enough task. Except it’s not, because this is Lune and everything is very complicated.
Linda chose to work with the vol au vent pastry shape, which required an extra weighted mould to be placed in the pastry as it baked, keeping the inside hollowed out and ready to fill. Linda instantly forgot this, put the pastries in the oven as they were, then had to pull them out of the oven halfway through the baking time and cram the moulds in. This is the most home cook move I’ve seen in this season of MasterChef. Just add in the thing when you remember it and hope for the best! It’s probably fine!
Shh! No-one will know!
Best Dressed – Mel
This week, Mel wore a lot of very glamorous dresses from Husk with big belts and she looked like a vision. Her styling continues to be one of the best things about this season of MasterChef. I demand a Mel fashion spin-off now!
Those sleeves!!!
Runner-up this week goes to Tommy wearing glasses on the gantry during the elimination cook, after winning the Lune challenge with his banh mi danish. He looks like every dude I had a crush on during my creative writing degree and I’m here for it.
Go on, tell me where you think my prose is weak
Biggest Pot Stirrer – Andy
Andy’s main job this week seemed to be to sidle up next to contestants and ask them pointed questions about what they’re doing and how much time they have left to do it, exactly at the moment when the contestants least want to have someone standing next to them asking questions.
Nowhere was this more evident than in Sunday’s elimination cook, where he literally had to chase down contestants to bug them while they just tried to get on with it. At one point, he ran into the pantry to let Kishwar know Sabina had finished her cook, and Kishwar was all like, “Yeah, that’s fine.” Stunning television.
Peekaboo!
King of Self Care – Brent
On Sunday, we said a tearful goodbye to Brent as he tapped out of the competition for mental health reasons. While I’m a bit conflicted around the way Ten handled it (seems a little cooked to spend several weeks sizzling someone departing due to illness), there’s no doubt that Brent’s decision was the right one, and it was wonderful to see the stresses of the competition being discussed in such a frank and open way.
Brent appears to be in a much better headspace now that he’s sought out help and hopefully he can inspire viewers to do the same. Nice one, Brent.
Elyce Phillips makes comics, comedy and general nonsense. Her writing has appeared in McSweeney’s and Funny Ha Ha, and you can see her make a fool of herself regularly at The Improv Conspiracy in Melbourne.