Crowning Every Winner From The Fourth Wholesome Week Of ‘MasterChef’

Welcome back for week four of MasterChef, where it’s Masters Week – a week where masters of cheffing visit the MasterChef kitchen. It’s suspiciously similar to Superstar Week, except it’s full of very fancy chefs that I’ve never heard of.

This week was VERY UPSETTING and I have not recovered, so let’s drown our sorrows by handing out some awards!

Master of Pasta – Andreas Papadakis

Monday’s episode kicked off with a pasta-making lesson from Tipo 00’s Andreas Papadakis, who impressed the contestants a whole lot with his finger skills and little rod.

It was a fitting display to show us what Masters Week was all about. The man knows what he’s doing with pasta, and he made it look easy. He made so many little shapes! He did the long kind of pasta and then also other ones! Pretty cool!

Biggest Timesuck – Ragu

In the team challenge, pasta had to be the hero of a three-course meal, so of course a bunch of the contestants decided that the best way to spend their time would be to make ragu — a rustic meat sauce that notoriously needs to cook for basically an entire day. Either there’s something in the air of the MasterChef kitchen that makes people forget what time is, or this is the most optimistic cast this show has ever seen.

The ‘Well, The Earth Might As Well Open Up Underneath Me Now And Swallow Me Whole’ Award for Most Demoralising Encounter – Pete

Pete wasn’t the first to bring a ragu up to the judges, but he was certainly the one who copped it the hardest.

Attempting to do an osso bucco ragu in the allotted time was incredibly ambitious, and while Pete managed to get his meat cooked, the wine and herbs didn’t have time to do their thing and mellow out. Andy was pretty gentle in his criticism, but then we got to Jock, who told the entire room that anyone who made a ragu had made the wrong decision. Brutal. And then, the soul crusher — Mel went down the ‘I’m not angry, I’m disappointed’ route, complimenting Pete on his past sauce skills, but being let down with what he’d done on this one. How Pete didn’t collapse into tears the second Mel said, “That was a missed opportunity and a bad choice,” I don’t understand. I felt bad about disappointing her, and I didn’t even cook anything.

Master of Punishment – Kirsten Tibbals

You always know it’s gonna be a bad time when it’s a dessert pressure test. There’s finicky chocolate business and delicate decorative elements, and it all looks like a complete nightmare. But on Tuesday, chocolate queen Kirsten Tibbals really twisted the dessert spoon by making the contestants cook THREE ridiculously fancy recipes — a glossy mousse cake, a tube-bedecked raspberry financier and some lollipops that looked so gorgeous, I could feel them judging me through the TV screen.

The challenge Tibbals set was so difficult, she noticed that the contestants up on the gantry were glaring down at her, furious for what she had wrought upon their friends. And honestly, they were right to be mad. This challenge was messed up.

The Jason Derulo Award for Falling Down – Dan’s lollipops

Dan struggled early in the challenge, having trouble bringing together his peanut butter cream. He was set back about 20 minutes and had to push hard to catch up. And for a brief, shining moment, it looked like he’d done it. Dan got up to coating his Style Rebellion lollipops and they looked BEAUTIFUL. The gantry was cheering – “They’re the best looking ones!” The sun was shining! Spontaneous rainbows burst forth from every orifice in the room!

But then, disaster. One by one, Dan’s lollipops fell from their drying rack, plummeting to the bench like our emotions.

Dan was resourceful and turned it around by flipping over his drying rack and letting the lollipops dry standing the right way up, which honestly seems like a more sensible way to do it in the first place. No-one needs a bit pointy bit on the top of a lollipop. It looks like it’s designed to stab you in the gob.

Daintiest Tradie – Brent

Brent found himself in the pressure test despite doing well in Monday’s cook, having to make up for the time he spent in quarantine last week. The challenge appeared to be just the thing to trip him up – Brent’s more confident cooking savoury, and he tends to go more rustic in his presentation. But what do you know? He turned it out!

Weirdly, the guy whose profession (he’s a tradie) depends on doing things with a degree of precision (did we mention he was a tradie?) was able to follow instructions and do things with a degree of precision (BECAUSE HE’S A TRADIE). Sounds fake, but okay. Maybe now we can move on from the “Aw, shucks, I’m just a big ol’ boofhead” storyline for this clearly talented cook? Please??

Most Likely To Make An Entire Nation Scream “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!” – Therese

THERESE! WHAT THE HELL?! YOU HAD AN IMMUNITY PIN! AAAAHHHHH!

Therese, the woman who got into MasterChef by making a beautiful, intricate dessert, went home on a beautiful, intricate dessert challenge. You know, the contestant that everyone was saying was the next Reynold. She went out in week four. On a dessert challenge. The mind boggles.

Every single one of Therese’s dishes had a problem – the chocolate wasn’t tempered, the silkscreen print didn’t transfer, the mirror glaze was entirely absent. When a catastrophe like that strikes, you just assume that the immunity pin is going to be played. Why take the risk?!

The contestants on the gantry and the judges ask over and over again if she’s going to play the pin, and it’s like Therese is existing on a different plane. At one point, she says she “just needs to get something up”, and Jock replies, “I think you’ll need to do more than just get something up today,” which is Judge speak for “Therese, we are absolutely gonna eliminate the shit out of you if you don’t use your damn immunity pin.” And yet…she doesn’t play it.

And just like that, Therese is out of the competition. It’s a moment that’ll go down as one of the wildest events in MasterChef history. I wish Therese all the best with her fancy desserts, and will be keeping an eye out for that immunity pin on eBay.

Master of Sexy-Ass Fish and Beef – Chef Yomo

On Wednesday, Michelin-star-haver Chef Yomo came in to show the contestants how to make a bento box. He cooked some wagyu on a hibachi and made everyone in the room involuntarily emit a series of very horny sounds. He sliced some sashimi and sensually ‘felt for bones’ and the contestants lost their minds. He made an omelette that was filled with FOUR OTHER OMELETTES and I lost my mind. His finished box was stunning, delicate and everyone wanted to make out with it.

Worst Pun – Brent

The mystery challenge was to make a bento box and Brent insisted on calling it a Brento box. Come on, man.

Wettest Salad – Pete

The judges absolutely frothed for Pete’s bento box, but all I see here is wet salad again. One of his bento dishes is literally unripe strawberries floating in some kind of swamp of rocket purée. It’s an even wetter salad than last week and one of the saddest-looking things I’ve ever seen. I’m talking first 15 minutes of ‘Up’ sad.

Pete says he’s inspired by a chef named Christian Puglisi, who likes to play loud music in his restaurants. My initial thought was that he sounded like a total wanker, but then I looked him up and he’s worked at Noma and does cool stuff with vegetables and is also exactly the kind of handsome that I’m extremely into, so I guess fair play – rock on with your wet salads, Pete. Let’s see how damp you can get them boys.

Master of Acting Like They’re The British Museum – Scott

Thursday’s guest was Scott Pickett, a very impressive chef with a lot of restaurants and hats, and I have never heard of him before in my life.

After trying Depinder’s wonderful smoked lassi, Scott says he’s gonna do a version of it on the menu at his restaurant and I swear to God, he better be paying Depinder for that idea. You can’t just take someone’s stuff, Scott. Have you learned nothing from *gestures wildly at the entirety of western history*?

Most Likely To Burn Your Food – Fire

In the immunity challenge, Jess, Scott, Depinder and Pete had to cook at night, out in the garden, on fires of varying sizes. And shockingly, everyone burned stuff because fire is very hot.

One minute into roasting his hazelnuts, Pete finds they’re completely charred on one side.

Depinder’s first attempt at naan becomes one with the coals.

Scott’s trout skin welds itself to the grill as it’s shrivelled by the flames.

The only one to escape is Jess, who somehow manages to undercook her beef, which is a huge achievement.

Most Likely To Succeed – Depinder

Depinder is on a roll and picks up immunity for the second week in a row, with her tandoori chicken skewers. She’s incredibly impressive and just keeps crushing it. And she’s humble! The judges have to push her to fess up that her chicken isn’t just “pretty good” but perfect. I’m once again mad that I’m a vegetarian because holy hell that chicken looked good and I’m far too lazy to go and make myself a vego version of it.

(Please take a moment to appreciate how delicious this looks)

Master of Pretending to Shop at Coles – Curtis Stone

On Sunday, we got another famous chef trapped in a glass box, as Curtis Stone showed up to show the contestants how beef works.

Curtis lives in LA but says that all his beef comes from Coles, and I am truly impressed by the boldness of that lie. He lives in the United States, the world’s largest producer of beef, but gets his meats shipped over from Coles? Because there’s nothing better, I assume, than beef that has travelled for hours. Days, even! We are living in a post truth world, my friends.

Sassiest Team – Tom and Elise

For the first round of the elimination challenge, the contestants were paired off into teams and had to participate in an auction to select the cut of beef they would cook with. The currency was time – the more they spent, the less time they had to cook with in the challenge.

Tom and Elise get the short ribs and have to wait a bit to start their cook. Jock comes over to do the usual bit of judge pestering and asks them what they’re planning to make. In unison, Tom and Elise tell him they will be cooking ribs. The absolute cheek of it.

Most Likely To Make Me Cry – Amir

Jesus Christ, I can’t handle it when I hear the little tremble in a contestant’s voice that makes it clear they’re trying very, very hard not to cry, and Amir got me good.

The dry beef knuckle he made with Conor in the opening round landed him in the second part of the elimination challenge, where the contestants had to make a dish that showed off something they have mastered. ‘Cause it’s Masters Week.

Amir decided to make his grandma’s falafel – which looked amazing – but when Jock popped round to check on his progress, he found they were gritty due to Amir forgetting to wash his herbs.

In a mad scramble, Amir managed to get up a second batch of falafel, but the extra time meant rushing the other elements of his dish, and he wasn’t happy with the final product. After presenting it to the judges, Mel asks what his teta would think about what he made, and Amir chokes back tears while he says that she’d be proud of him no matter what. And I cried good and proper.

The Icarus With Ice-Cream Wings Award for Flying Too Close to the Sun – Conor

Oh, Conor, you sweet mulleted angel. You can only make so many ice-creams from stuff you’d find on a mezze platter before someone has to come along and take your cooking license away, but it doesn’t make the departure any less sad.

In the second round, Conor chose ice-cream as the element he’d mastered, and then proceeded to make a green olive ice-cream. The texture was all off on account of the olive brine, which created an ice-cream that was icy rather than creamy. Also, it tasted of green olives, and I’d argue that is a bigger problem.

Conor took his elimination extremely well, seeming genuinely chuffed to have made it as far into the competition as he did. And as he should be – he only took up cooking last year during lockdown! What a huge achievement! We will miss you, dangly-earringed king.

Next Time…
All week long, the contestants will battle to the death against a bunch of chefs from Melbourne.

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Elyce Phillips makes comics, comedy and general nonsense. Her writing has appeared in McSweeney’s and Funny Ha Ha, and you can see her make a fool of herself regularly at The Improv Conspiracy in Melbourne.