TV

Apparently ‘MasterChef Australia’ Is Filmed In A Big Top, Because That Was A Whole Ass Circus

In MasterChef Australia's latest elimination challenge, the judges pulled some absolutely farcical clown ass junk and I am done.

MasterChef Australia Season 11

Tonight on MasterChef Australia, the judges just pulled some absolutely farcical clown ass junk and I am done. 

In the show’s latest elimination challenge, contestants were tasked with creating a sweet dish without using refined sugar. It’s a fun experiment, and also something I would never want to do with anything on the line. Tessa smartly used her Immunity Pin to nope out of that whole situation, so it was Anushka, Derek, Sandeep, Simon and Tati cooking for their lives.

Derek created an absolutely gorgeous breakfast panna cotta with honey and ginger caramelised banana and granola, and Anushka made some delightful lady’s fingers, orange curd and orange syrup. Tati and Sandeep also had clear visions of the sweet rice dishes they were cooking, though they struggled a bit with the execution.

Simon, though. Simon had absolutely no clue what he was doing. He was running around in a mindless panic, aimlessly slicing figs and simmering beetroot juice and hoping it fell together. At one point he tried to boil honey to make honeycomb, which turned out a chewy mess because that is not how you make honeycomb at all.

In the end, Simon just lumped his disparate elements on a plate, called it “roasted figs with beetroot and black grape molasses“, and hoped for the best.

Good on him for not giving up at least. However it really was an abysmal performance, resulting in an uninspiring dish. It looked like something you’d throw together when cleaning out the month-old dregs from your fridge.

At no time during the 75 minutes could Simon tell anyone what he was plating up, or how anything would go together. He seemed the obvious choice to go home.

And then. AND THEN. The three judges piled out of their tiny Volkswagen Beetle, flopped their size 50 shoes up to the front of the room, and declared that Simon’s beetroot molasses was so good they wanted to have its little beetroot babies.

That’s right, my friends. Simon is in this year’s MasterChef Australia top 10, and instead an inadequately sweet kheer has pulled my beautiful spice angel Sandeep down from Food Heaven.

I love Sandeep and wish he was still in the competition. Even so, I would have sadly accepted his exit had he turned in a plate like Simon’s.

MasterChef Australia Season 11

Here is how you make a beetroot molasses that will cause three grown men to instantly sprout curly green hair and honking red noses, according to the 10Play website:

  1. Juice four medium-sized beetroots.
  2. Pluck 130g of black grapes from the stems. The recipe doesn’t say to juice the suckers, but it’s pretty well implied.
  3. Put all that juice in a small saucepan over a low heat, simmering until it’s reduced to about three tablespoons of syrup.
  4. That’s it.

You don’t even have to bother with the figs, really. The judges said this magic sauce covers up pretty much any sins, so just go hog wild with it. Pour it on your cereal. Pour it on a steak. Strangle an angel and pour it on your soul. Nothing matters and love is dead.

I’ll readily admit that food doesn’t have to be complicated to be delicious. Melting a block of tasty cheese over some day-old macaroni is one of the quickest and best comfort foods out there. However, you’d hardly serve a midnight microwave meal such as this to a panel of judges.

Further, when taken in context with both the cook and the rest of the dish, it’s plain to see Simon’s root sauce wasn’t elegant simplicity. It was a meagre atonement born from lacking.

Sandeep took it all with grace and humility, because he is too good for both MasterChef and this world. He even touched the judges’ feet before he left the kitchen as a sign of respect, tactfully ignoring the size of their footwear. “I’m just humbled by the love that I’ve got from everybody,” said Sandeep. “It’s been a dream.”

Apparently he’s opening a restaurant called BBQ and Biryani, and working on his own — presumably secret — garam masala spice blend. I’m glad Sandeep’s going out into the world to continue building up his food dream. He just should have been able to do so with “MasterChef Australia 2019 top 10″ on his resume.

I wasn’t the only one who thought so, either. Upon the judges’ sentencing, Twitter immediately exploded in fury at the clown show.

Maybe Simon is generally a decent cook. But all of the contestants are, and that dish should have sent him packing. Hope y’all have been enjoying my MasterChef recaps, because this is the closest I’ve felt to a rage quit.