Ranking The ‘Masked Singer Australia’ Costumes By How Completely Cursed They Are
Why did they put boobs on a cactus?
Masked Singer Australia has returned to our screens for its highly anticipated second season, and judging by the first bonkers first episode, it’s as unhinged as ever.
Former tennis star Mark Philippoussis was the first celebrity to have their costume head knocked off, as he bowed out against stiff competition from other celebs dressed as queens, goldfish, and one truly terrifying puppet.
There’s actually quite a bit of horror and dislocation to be found among the 12 costumes, which were designed by award-winning designer Tim Chappel, from strange octopus wizards to a boob-enhanced cacti to a hammerhead shark that will forever haunt our dreams.
We’ve taken a look over the 12 contestants and ranked them from least to most cursed. Dive in.
#12. Bushranger
Australia’s cultural hard-on for Ned Kelly will never, ever go down. When we’re not writing books about him or painting him or casting Heath Ledger as him in films, we’re throwing him up on stage in singing competitions.
There’s nothing particularly cursed about this outfit — the silhouette of Ned Kelly is iconic, and the glinting fabric is arresting.
#11. Echidna
Did Echnidna — that is, Mark Philoppousis — leave the rest of his costume at home? Real echidna’s only wear t-shirts and leather jackets on casual occasions, so really the animal should be wearing a tuxedo here. Unacceptable level of casualness from one of our national animals.
#10. Goldfish
The answer to the perennial question — what if goldfish, but sexy?
#9. Frillneck
Perhaps the most curious thing about Frillneck is that they don’t seem to actually have the head of a Frill-Necked Lizard. Rather, it looks as if the costume designers simply found an old dragon head in Sandra Sully’s wardrobe and decided that would work.
Also, they couldn’t have found a cool scaly body suit to complete the costume? The simple leather is boring as hell, compared to the outrageousness of other characters like Queen and Goldfish.
#8. Dragonfly
The judges smiled and clapped with joy when Dragonfly entered the competition in the first episode. And yes, their wings are pretty — like stained glass taking flight.
The head, on the other hand, is troubling, and those pincers are waiting for an unsuspecting Osher to wander close by. Simply a little too Demogorgon for my liking.
#7. Queen
Queen isn’t bringing staid, Elizabeth II vibes to Masked Singer, she’s bringing the Sons of the Harpy. The Harpy, if you can’t recall, were the murderous gang that rose up against Daenerys Targaryen when she ruled over Meereen.
Their biggest crime was killing the kindly, honourable Ser Barristan Selmy, and for that reason I’m predisposed to be suspicious of any gold-masked strangers. You can’t tell me Queen isn’t secretly bewitching you when you gaze into those lifeless, metallic eyes.
#6. Cactus
You know, I didn’t do biology in high school, and my understanding of the natural world is limited to what I’ve read in Bill Bryson books, but I do know that most cacti don’t have boobs.
Amazingly, in researching this, I found there IS a type of cactus — nicknamed the ‘titty cactus’, gloriously — that does have curved ribs that slightly resemble boobs. But the above cactus is not one of these types — instead, they’ve simply slapped some boobs on a standard cactus.
Oh, to be in a world where we attempt to gender cacti.
#5. Kitten
Kitten is trying way too hard to be cute, which means they almost certainly harbour murderous ambitions. Look into those eyes and tell me you don’t feel terror.
#4. Wizard
It’s nice to see that Davy Jones, the scungy pirate ghost captain from Pirates of the Caribbean, has managed to rebrand and land on an Australian singing show. Good for her. Still cursed though.
#3. Sloth
I will never understand people who believe sloths are cute animals. How? They have creepy, curled talons, and long legs that drag, horror-movie style, through the grimy undergrowth. The only positive thing about sloths is that if you happen across them in the wild you at least know you can get away from them fairly easily.
#2. Hammerhead
Most people think that Joni Mitchell’s tender and timeless ‘Both Sides Now’ is simply a personal and poignant reflection on life and love — but not many people would be aware that it’s actually about a dream Mitchell had once, in which she inhabited the split-eyed head of the hammerhead shark. Her mind, honestly.
Perhaps it’s the unsettled gaze of Hammerhead, perhaps it’s the high-vis vest (hammers, tradies, geddit?), or perhaps it’s the way those eyes seem to lock onto you, seeming to never shift, but also never completely connecting with you.
#1. Puppet
When Masked Singer Australia has vanished from our screens, when Osher and his blinding smile have receded into the distance, when the earth is scorched and deserted from climate change, those left on will talk about Puppet, about how his emergence on the show signalled the end of humanity.
Puppet is the stuff of nightmares, the monster in the darkness, the harbinger of death and pestilence.
Also they can’t sing for shit.
Masked Singer Australia airs on Channel 10 on Mondays and Tuesdays at 7.30pm