We Ranked Marvel Villains By How Good They’d Be In Bed
Some of these baddies would be a Hela good time in the sack.
The release of Avengers: Endgame has a lot of people looking back at the last 11 years and 22 movies of the Marvel Cinematic Universe with a nostalgic eye.
There’s talk of the most emotional moments, the callbacks and Easter eggs, and the characters and heroes we’ve all fallen in love with.
But what about the villains?
The villains in the MCU have ranged from two-dimensional thugs to complex anti-heroes, but ranking them according to their strength or evilness is a little too boring. Instead, let’s look at them through fandom’s favourite lens: horniness.
More specifically: how good they’d be at satiating our horniness.
(Mum, don’t read this). Here we go…
20. Abomination (The Incredible Hulk)
This guy is not interested in sex. Look at him! He just wants to destroy you, and not in a good way.
19. Malekith (Thor: The Dark World)
Do Dark Elves fuck? I’m not entirely sure they do. They definitely don’t with me, at least.
18. Aldrich Killian (Iron Man 3)
Aldrich Killian thinks he’s great in bed. Aldrich Killian is not remotely great in bed.
17. Sonny Burch (Ant-Man and the Wasp)
Do you even really remember Sonny Burch? Neither. The man is boring, bland and entirely forgettable.
16. Alexander Pierce (Captain America: The Winter Soldier)
An evil old white guy who pretends to be good while secretly destroying the world? Not exactly a good lubricant, is it?
15. The Vulture (Spider-Man: Homecoming)
The man’s arch-nemesis is a teenager. He definitely doesn’t know any other position but missionary.
14. Helmut Zemo (Captain America: Civil War)
Sorry but Zemo definitely cries during sex. It’s a fact.
13. Ronan the Accuser (Guardians of the Galaxy)
Okay, he’s a deranged villain hell-bent on revenge…but the guy’s got moves.
12. Red Skull (Captain America: The First Avenger)
This guy is a Nazi. I don’t remotely want to bang him. But that doesn’t mean he’d be bad in bed. Especially if leather is your kink (with a side order of skulls?!).
11. Ego (Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2)
Ego fucks. Ego fucks a lot. But his name is Ego. He’d cum and expect you to thank him for it. Maybe you would??? I mean, Peter Quill’s mother literally died for that dick.
10. Yellowjacket (Ant-Man)
You just know Darren Cross is dirty. He 100% would use Pym particles during sex to increase his size, strength and stamina. What could go wrong?
9. Obadiah Stane (Iron Man)
Obadiah Stane has spent his whole life fucking people over. Does that mean he’s good at fucking? Somehow I think yes.
8. Whiplash (Iron Man 2)
Do I want to fuck him? No. Would he be a good fuck? Probably????? Have you SEEN those whips?! Dude’s kinky as. Sure, he doesn’t communicate in anything but grunts, but what more do you need tbh?
7. Kaecilius (Doctor Strange)
Kaecilius definitely knew how to keep his wife happy. He certainly wouldn’t be above some grief fucks either. I mean, he’d take you to a whole other dimension.
6. Ultron (Avengers: Age of Ultron)
Ultron is a robot. An evil robot. An evil sex robot? WHY NOT. He even comes complete with the best part of James Spader (his voice, obvs).
5. Yon-Rogg (Captain Marvel)
Unnngh the power of Jude Law. Yon-Rogg can get it. I mean, he’s the kind of guy who would go down on a woman for hours and think that makes him a feminist. It doesn’t. But we’re not talking about his politics, we’re talking about his fucking abilities! Which he definitely has.
4. Loki (Thor and The Avengers)
Loki is a filthy bastard. His ~mischievousness~ would definitely be an asset in bed. And how about those role playing skills?!
3. Thanos (Avengers: Infinity War and Avengers: Endgame)
We’ve all seen the memes and NSFW edits. We know Thanos is thicc. But you know what else he is? Patient. And dedicated. He knows how to see something through. The only problem is he might literally split you in half.
2. Erik Killmonger (Black Panther)
Killmonger is the definition of “he could run me over and I’d thank him for it”.
Look at this man! He’s definitely spent just as much time perfecting the art of fucking as he has the art of fighting. And he’s really good at fighting.
1. Hela (Thor: Ragnarok)
Listen, there’s no character in the MCU as sensual or sexual as Hela. She has the power, endurance, and passion to go the distance. She may be goddess of death, but she’d show you the time of your life.
Jenna Guillaume is a Sydney-based writer who loves all things TV and pop culture. She tweets @JennaGuillaume, and her new book, ‘What I Like About Me’ is available now.