‘Married At First Sight’ Recap: Anthony Got What Was Coming

On Married At First Sight, contestants are matched with strangers and if their relationship fails, they are to blame. These are the rules; don’t ask questions.

Psychologist John Aiken, says that the matchmaking is based on “hard science” and let me tell ya, this season has been as hard as hitting your skull against a million rocks and then falling asleep on a slab on concrete while walnut shells are quietly being crumbled in your ear.

It’s the day after Anthony has cracked the shits over Cheryl returning to “the competition” (note: it’s not a competition) because his “moral compass” made him, or something. Ah, what a time.

“I took it upon myself to be the spokesperson for the group,” says Anthony, and I tell ya, I can’t express how many times I have been in a social situation and thought to myself, ‘If only there was a dude here who would speak for the group‘. Anthony says that he started the conversation being “kind” (when?) but does concede that it got a little aggressive.

Just to recap: one kind thing that Anthony said was yelling, “CHERYL, YOU DON’T DESERVE A SECOND CHANCE” over a sea of empty Prosecco bottles.

Cheryl doesn’t sweat it, though. She says she knew the reaction would be hostile, which makes me sad about her expectations of other humans. Now she’s moving in with a firefighter, so c’est la vie etc.

The psychologists decide that the best way to tell if these couples can last the distance is to split them apart by gender, give them some more white wine, and hope that they all rile each other up about their marital issues.

“Guys are funny, hey,” says Vanessa. “Yeah, Simon says: ‘You! Get away from me!’,” says Alene. That IS funny!

Anthony, meanwhile, reckons that he and Nadia have already had the “toughest conversations” and thus they don’t really need to ask other people’s opinions on whether they’ll make it or not. They have had some tough talks — there was that time he said that she “lacked direction” at the hairdressers, because she works part-time.

Then of course, there was that time last night that he yelled at a woman — and friend of Nadia’s — for no discernible reason.

“Am I right for him… as a LONG-TERM PARTNER,” Nadia says, as if she’s reading out a jail sentence. Oh, Nadia.

The twins don’t seem that happy either. One twin laments her marriage’s “lack of fireworks”. The other twin is worried because her husband Nick sometimes goes to the strippers three times in one night (wot) to “chill out and have a a good conversation” and also, after the first dinner party he vomited in three separate parts of the house and not one of those places was the toilet. So.

“She has a history with female strippers, not to go into detail,” says one twin about the other twin, which seems way more shady and mysterious than just saying why she actually dislikes strippers.

ANYWAY now is the time for the “commitment ceremony” or whatever, in which John Aiken, Dr. Trisha and Mel ask the couples to prove their intimacy in front of the other contestants and to decide if they’re going to leave or stay. First up for judgement is Alene and Simon!

John Aiken thinks that Simon has “a lot of energy coming out of him” which, ew. Oh, he means because everyone finds Simon generally more palatable now that he has had a haircut. “I love it,” says Alene. “No doubt, he’s dishy,” says John Aiken, a real thing he actually says.

The problem is that Simon doesn’t tell Alene how he feels. “Simon have you told Alene how you feel about him?” Mel asks, temporarily forgetting Alene’s gender. “Ah,” says Simon. “TELL HER HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT HER SIMON,” says John Aiken, frothing with excitement.

Then Simon tells her that it has been a nice time and that he “looks forward to yonder days which shall come” which is the most offensive thing that you could possibly say when someone asks “do you like me”. The contestants make judgemental “MMMMM” eyes at each other.

John Aiken saves face by saying that intimacy is important, as is developing a “non-sexual touch” which yeaaauuuuccccch! Having fully established the sexual touch part due to a well-timed haircut, Alene and Simon stay together.

Remember Andy and Vanessa? They’re still here! “HAS ANDY TOLD YOU HOW HE FEELS ABOUT YOU???” says Mel, eyes alive. No, apparently. But Andy says that his “love language is acts of kindness” which omg, he should be a judge? They both like tennis, so they stay in the show. John Aiken congratulates himself.

Twin #1 and Jesse are next. Twin #1 says that she doesn’t like that Jesse farts in front of her already. Jesse said he had to start farting in front of her because he was “feeling unwell from holding it in too much”. Welcome to my first day of celibacy, this starts now.

For some reason these two people stay together. “I like your playfulness!!!” says John Aiken.

Uh oh, it’s Anthony and Nadia’s turn! Nadia says the word ‘learning’ a lot. “I have learnt a lot, it has been a steep learning curve, but you never stop learning,” she says. One of the things that she has learnt is that Anthony has a “strong morning routine” which presumably involves peeling face masks off in the mirror and listening to Huey Lewis and The News.

When asked directly if she likes Anthony, Nadia begins laughing manically, as if to buy herself more time.

Nadia is concerned that there are “two sides of his personality”. “I’m excited by your communication!!!!” says John Aiken. “… really?” says Nadia.

They talk about the dinner party and John Aiken asks Anthony if he thinks it is normal to appoint yourself “the spokesperson” for a group of grown humans. John Aiken thinks it’s highly irregular! The judges praise Nadia on “pulling him up” on his bad behaviour. Anthony apologises, sort of. John Aiken loves it when people apologise!!

They both stay because there’s no justice in this world. “We’ll see how we go,” Nadia says in a hollow voice.

Susan and Sean are still in love, but Sean misses the land. This is sad for them, but an exciting dilemma for the judges. But Susan is also upset about what happened at the dinner party the night before. She thinks that “people” bullied Cheryl, and is so moved by this that she begins to cry. Then Cheryl cries!

The judges seem genuinely confused. “Were you ever bullied, Susan?” they ask. “No?” she says.

Susan, the empathetic angel, reckons everyone should just be nicer to Cheryl and Sean agrees. She also thinks that “some people obviously still think they’re right”. Anthony takes this well.

Sensing that he is outnumbered, Anthony then apologises to Susan for some reason. “It makes me upset that I’ve upset Susan,” he says. John Aiken thanks them for helping the group “evolve”.

Cheryl and Andrew also vow to stay together. Despite the strippers and vomit, Twin #2 and Nick stay together too. Everyone claps. Monogamy is saved.

But John Aiken is still all, “There’s a lot you little babies have to learn” so announces that he’s sending the brides to live in the groom’s homes next week, like the customs of old, so they may “leave the bubble”. Everyone seems stoked.