Culture

This Magpie Map Will Help You Avoid Australia’s Most Insidious And Demented Air Beasts

It's magpie season, everyone STAY INDOORS.

When people around the world talk about Australian wildlife, their voices are hushed as they describe the horrific crocodiles, deadly spiders which are the size of human hands, and snakes that dream of the day when they can fang you in the eyeball. For some reason, they always fail to mention Australia’s true scourge: the motherfucking magpie.

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THE ANGEL OF DEATH.

These evil bastards. These magpies, these foul feathered balls of hate and aggression, are well-known for dive-bombing unsuspecting pedestrians and cyclists if they suspect humans are getting too close to their nests (well, we think that’s the reason — maybe they’re just real assholes). Cyclists have to go to ridiculous lengths to stop magpies swooping them and trying to peck their faces off.

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You can just imagine stupid magpies laughing their dumb feathered asses off at this.

Thankfully, an altruistic website called Magpie Alert has made sure that you don’t have to stay inside for the entirety of ‘swooping season’ by making a crowd-sourced interactive map of the spots in Australia where magpies are at their most malevolent. People have been detailing their magpie attacks on the site and you can even get mobile alerts on your phone of updated danger zones.

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This is a serious business, okay?

Today the Australian Veterinary Association has even sent out a press release warning that magpies tend to go for “fast moving objects such as people and bikes and anyone who moves directly towards their nests”, but also, they state, “dog walkers and toddlers in prams are also common targets”. They recommend “wearing a hat or carrying a stick” to ward off serious attackers.

We now have to carry a stick if we want to go outside.

NO ONE IS SAFE.

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Bow to our new overlords.