‘Love Island’ Recap: I Hope They’re Wearing Sunscreen On Their Butts

We are viewers of discerning tastes. We — yes, you too, and that person next to you who you’re hiding this recap from — have been reared on a steady stream of reality TV and thus are now sophisticated scholars of the genre. We’ve seen it all. That’s why, during the last few weeks, you’ve probably thought at least once, “Hmm, I really like MasterChef but I now find it entirely too predictable and also, no-one fucks?”

Well buckle up perverts, do I have a show for you. Welcome to Love Island.

Now, don’t be ashamed!

Call me cynical, but initially I assumed that Love Island was going to be a cross between Big Brother and porn, while also serving as prolonged #sponcon for white influencers who wanted to geotag themselves in Spain.

Boy, is my face red! It’s also a show that puts a higher premium on being one half of a couple, than y’know, actually being “happy” or “interested in the person who you’re in a couple with”. It’s essentially a great heterosexual con that tries to scare young people into hooking up with the first freshly-shaven baby seal they see at the kind of suburban club that still plays “Gold Digger”, because they think that’s better than being alone.

So friends, let’s check in on these beautiful people once a week and watch them “banter”* and break each other’s hearts on national television, which I’m sure will be a fulfilling and entertaining watch, and certainly will not make us want to saw off our own scalps so we can manually scrub our brains.

(*To these people, ‘banter’ means two consecutive sentences where both parties in the conversation have at least 70 percent comprehension of what the other party is saying.)

So let’s go! It starts with an Irish voice telling us there are 69 cameras in this Spanish villa (nice) and that the aim of the game is to get “coupled up as quickly as possible” otherwise you are tied to an anchor and thrown into the Mediterranean Sea. Just kidding, I don’t know what happens.

Some fake Skrillex music plays while girls in red jeeps arrive at the villa. “Woo!” say the girls. Two very young women get out of their jeeps and immediately tell each other how grateful they are.

“I will never get over this!” one says to the other, while they walk through their Ikea-furnished villa to wherever the alcohol is kept.

One of the women is named Millie. She’s 24 and is from the Northern Beaches. She says her best feature physically is her butt and her best feature non-physically is her “banter”. She tells her new friend that she “kind of goes after what I want”.

“Good, I respect that,” says the blonde woman, as if scared that Millie was going to disclose something that she could not respect, like that she doesn’t recycle or once killed a man with her bare hands. This blonde woman is called Cassidy and she is 23. She thinks that footballers are her kryptonite. Millie advises her to stay away from footballers.

Neither of them comment on how there is nothing particularly Spanish about this villa or the view itself; that it’s so suspiciously, generically ‘exotic’ that they could be in Bondi or Bali or a set in the Channel 9 lot.

Another woman arrives in a red jeep (“Woo!”). “You’re so hot!” says Millie. “No, you’re really tall and skinny!” says the girl, whose name is Erin. Only one person can be hot at any given time. “My best feature is my eyes – no!” says Erin, while pointing at her boobs. Erin is a gifted slapstick performer.

The girls start looking each other up and down and discuss what they like about each other’s bodies and what they dislike about their own. That’s when the producers decide to send in 21-year-old Tayla, a former Miss World contestant and current waking nightmare for Millie, Cassidy and Erin.

I feel bad that these girls are immediately feeling sad about their bodies, but honest to god, my primary thought during these scenes was ‘I hope they’re wearing sunscreen on their butts?’ Do people not… wear swimsuits that cover their butts now? Was I meant to know that?

Anyway, another girl named Natasha arrives. She is 24 and owns a business in Perth. She was once “lucky enough” to party with Justin Bieber, but doesn’t like to talk about it because “a girl doesn’t kiss and tell” which would be a fantastic humblebrag if she was implying kissing literally anyone on the planet earth who wasn’t Justin Bieber, poor Natasha.

Sophie Monk has arrived! “You’re still so gorgeous!” says one of the women, rather passive aggressively. Sophie Monk is unmoved. She asks the under 25-year-old girls if they are looking for a husband. They talk over each other for a while about their experience with Men™ and one yells, “Hey Sophie, are you taking tips?” “Yeah, I need them!” says Sophie Monk.

The twentysomething girls laugh. I feel very sad for Sophie Monk and the role she is being forced to play here.

All the girls agree that personality is the most important thing, but on the other hand looks are also the most important thing. Okay cool, time for these Cruskit men to come rolling into the villa!!!!!!

The girls form an orderly queue in their bikinis and stilettos like they’re in a police line-up, but the only thing they’re getting locked into is an unsatisfactory courtship with a stranger, woohooo!!! They have to step forward if they like the look of the man, but the man has the final say because it’s patriarchy’s world and we’re just living in it.

The twist? None of the girls seem to have any initial interest in any of the male contestants, proving that all dating shows everywhere are pretty much the same.

The first boy is called Josh and he has the fake job of a ‘Sports Administrator’ or something. He says he has a medical condition called “a wandering eye” and likes girls a lot. “I’m not looking for a ham sandwich!” Josh says, rather mysteriously. To be quite honest, I don’t think I’ve ever looked for a ham sandwich either, maybe Josh is my kind of guy.

None of the girls choose him. “Bit harsh girls!!” says Sophie Monk.

Josh picks Tayla and Tayla pretends not to mind. The next person is Justin. Justin is 27 and a model. He says that he has partied with the “most beautiful people in the world” and then names them in case you don’t believe him. People think he’s gay because he’s so handsome, but he’s not. “Sometimes I think it’s a curse!” he says.

That kind of reminds me of the story of St. Brigid, who according to CatholicSaintMedals.com, “was very beautiful, and prayed to be made ugly so that she would not have to worry about being attractive to men, which would allow for her to devote her life to service. God answered her prayer, and St. Brigid’s beauty faded”.

Maybe Justin isn’t praying hard enough, good luck though Justin.

None of the girls step forward, so he picks Millie. “Are you shocked?” says Sophie Monk “No!” says Justin, in shock. The next one is Charlie. He plays rugby and went on a few dates with Millie once. “We didn’t even have sex,” Millie clarifies for the group. No one likes Charlie either, so he picks Natasha.

A Grant enters the house. “Ola!” he says. He says that he wins female hearts by inviting them to stroke his abs. “I’m a hopeless romantic,” he explains. “I’m keen to meet everyone — especially the girls!” He chooses Cassidy. Sophie Monk chastises the girls for being too picky.

“But you’re just saving the best until last,” explains Erin.

“No, that’s not how it works,” says Sophie Monk, irritated.

Sophie Monk hates Erin.

Eden is the last man! He once slept with a bride-to-be on her hen’s night! Millie says that he dated her friend once! Wow, the influencer pool is a lot more shallow than I thought. Erin picks Eden. “What do you like about Eden?” asks Sophie Monk. “Fucking everything,” says Erin.

Courting is so aggressive now, sure has changed a lot since my day!!

Sophie Monk tells the “islanders” — yep, nothing problematic about that, seems fine — to go and admire the plastic fittings and fluorescent decals in the house. The couples begin to bond. Millie is an “animal warrior person” and Justin is a “kangatarian”, meaning the only meat he eats is kangaroo, because it’s not farmed (???).

Erin tells Eden that she is a “sexual person” and it turns out that, conveniently, he too is a sexual person. Josh tells Tayla that she looks like an oil painting and that she’s better than the Mona Lisa. “I hope you’re not a closet asshole,” Tayla says. “I’m not a closet anything!” says Josh, who doth protest too much.

As everyone puts on their linen shirts and bandage dresses for the night ahead, tensions rise. Charlie wants Millie, not Natasha! Natasha doesn’t want to be anyone’s second choice (“She was my third choice,” — Charlie)! Natasha has never been in a situation where a guy hasn’t liked her! Charlie hates drama!

They drag this storyline out for 40 minutes, here’s a snapshot:

After an awkward night of sharing a bed (“The mood is great,” says a disgruntled Erin, when her plans for intimate lovemaking are interrupted by giggles in the bed 30cm next to hers) Charlie decides to tell Millie that he likes her instead. This goes great, except when Millie reiterates that Charlie seems “mentally young” and thus not relationship material, which makes this the second time Charlie has been called immature by people he barely knows in less than 24 hours.

“Yeah, I think we’re more friends too!” says Charlie, probably regretting telling everyone in the house, including Natasha, that he belonged with Millie.

It’s cool, because Millie’s partner Justin (not gay, parties with beautiful people) has decided he wants Tayla now. Tayla likes that, because she doesn’t like her partner, Josh.

It has been less than one day.

BUT WHO CARES, ANOTHER YOUNG WOMAN HAS ENTERED THE HOUSE! She is Kim and she is 24! She is a bikini model! “My favourite bikini is every bikini,” she says! “I fucking hate her!” says Erin.

Millie counsels that the girls should all get to know Kim before they “dislike her”. Erin walks up to Kim and asks how old she is. “You seem older!” Erin says. Kim hardens. The boys smile at each other. “The power has changed now,” says Josh in excitement.

It sure has.

See you next week!

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Sinead Stubbins is Junkee’s former Entertainment Editor. She tweets about Drake, Gilmore Girls and cheeseburgers at @sineadstubbins.