Here’s Everything The Internet Has Ever Written About Why ‘Love Actually’ Is A Terrible Film

Everything that needs to be written about this film has already been written, and you can read it here.

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Ahh, Christmas time. The season of giving. Of family. Of friendship. Of food. And of adding to the supermassive faphole of the internet by writing lengthy opinion pieces about Love Actually that actually already exist.

Here, we’ll save you the trouble.

Love Actually Is the Least Romantic Film of All Time‘, By Christopher Orr for The Atlantic

Published: December 6, 2013

Wordcount: 2885

Key Quote: “[The film] offers up at least three disturbing lessons about love. First, that love is overwhelmingly a product of physical attraction and requires virtually no verbal communication or intellectual/emotional affinity of any kind. Second, that the principal barrier to consummating a relationship is mustering the nerve to say “I love you”—preferably with some grand gesture—and that once you manage that, you’re basically on the fast track to nuptial bliss. And third, that any actual obstacle to romantic fulfillment, however surmountable, is not worth the effort it would require to overcome.”

I Rewatched Love Actually and Am Here to Ruin It for All of You‘, by Lindy West for Jezebel

Published: December 6, 2013

Wordcount: 2885

Key Quote: “It’s Hugh Grant’s first day on the job, and he’s saying hello to his new staff. One staffer is named Natalie, and as far as I can tell, her job is “woman.” She’s also incredibly, disgustingly fat, like a bean bag chair with feet, according to literally everyone else in the movie who apparently all have Natalie Dysmorphic Disorder (the silent killer). Natalie accidentally says some swears in front of the prime minister, and then she makes lemon-face for 45 minutes. Actually, she’s probably just thinking about delicious lemons, because NATALIE HUNGRY!!!!!!!

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Hugh Grant falls instantly in love with Natalie, which is understandable, because she hasn’t yet exceeded her Love Actually attractiveness word quota. (Twenty-seven. The quota is 27 words before you become Emma Thompson and must be destroyed.)”

My Big Fat Problem With Love Actually‘, by Pope Alexander for Jezebel

Published: November 15, 2013

Wordcount: 1503

Key Quote: “I’m not quite sure why Curtis seems to be obsessed with fat jokes in this movie, but at the end of the day it does make it hard to kick back and enjoy what is supposed to be a sweet Christmas film when its central message seems to be that love is reserved for ultra-beautiful and thin women, and everybody else better settle in for a super depressing life.”

Hate Actually‘, by Bobby Finger for The Awl

Published: December 9, 2011

Wordcount: 1459

Key Quote: “It’s a glossy, big-budget film with borderline-detestable examinations of love and romance containing perhaps three genuine moments that seem to be of our own universe, but Love Actually is one terrible Christmas movie that has strong-armed its way into the hearts of millions (including my own) despite being absolutely terrible.”

The Hunt For The Worst Movie Of All Time: Love Actually‘, by Gabe Delahaye for Videogum

Published: November 29, 2010

Wordcount: 1740

“Perhaps Liam Neeson or a trained child psychologist should wonder if this young boy’s transference of all his emotional intensity onto a pre-pubescent object of affection isn’t just a wayward attempt to delay the inevitable absorption of crushing grief over his mother’s death? Just kidding. Let’s re-enact the scene from Titanic like a step-father and step-son should!



Also includes:

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Love Actually Sucks, Actually‘, by Natalie Bochenski for The Sydney Morning Herald

Published: December 10, 2013

Wordcount: 1315

Key Quote: “If your husband’s best friend turned up on your doorstep telling you not to speak and declaring his love via a dodgy Bob Dylan impression, you’d call the police. At the very least you’d call your husband and the pair of you would carefully explain the definition of the term “stalker” and try to set some boundaries. Instead, Knightley kisses him.”

Is Love Actually Not Actually That Romantic?‘, by Clem Bastow for Daily Life

Published: December 10, 2013

Wordcount: 635

Key Quote: “I’ve tried to love Love Actually: most recently I actually paid to rent it on iTunes. Every time I watch it, it’s out of some vain hope that I had misremembered it ; “It’s Love Actually!” I think as I sit down in front of the box. “This will cheer me up!” Sure, if you also find yourself cheered by that animal lib ad with Chrissie Hynde wailing I’ll Stand By You over the top.”

Five Reasons Love Actually Is The Worst Film Every Made‘, by Sarrah Le Marquand for The Daily Telegraph

Published: November 15, 2013

Wordcount: 746

Key Quote: “Despite being a film that purports to be a heartwarming and profound love letter to humanity, Love Actually isn’t above wringing a few laughs out of the ugly sister stereotype. The butt of the joke when Colin Firth attempts to propose to his housekeeper is her unattractive and overweight sister. Yeah right, the audience is clearly expected to scoff, as though Mr Darcy would marry a fat chick.

He doesn’t, of course. Instead he ends up with a suitably svelte and submissively mute bride.”

Love Actually: The Worst Christmas Movie Ever‘, by Mary Elizabeth Williams for Salon

Published: December 20, 2012

Wordcount: 600

Key Quote: “You’d be hard-pressed to find another movie – holiday or otherwise – that makes the case so convincingly for how miserable the lives of women truly are, and how all fired up awesome it is to be a man. A manly man who loves tea. And that’s one big holiday lump of sexist coal that stinks, actually.”

Honest Trailers: Love Actually‘, by Screen Junkies

Published: November 25, 2014

If you can get over the sexist overtones of this Honest Trailer, it makes some stellar points about how creepy the sub-plots are. Including but not limited to: “A man getting over the death of his wife by helping his kid seduce a girl with the same name as his dead mum.”

Look, I don’t want to grinch out on you all. Plenty of words have been written in defence of the film, too — they’re just, to my mind, a little less convincing.

I Will Not Be Ashamed Of Loving Love Actually‘, by Emma Green for The Atlantic

Published: December 10, 2013

Love Actually Isn’t A Romantic Comedy Or A Christmas Movie. It’s A Tragedy.‘, by Alyssa Rosenburg for Think Progress

Published: December 6, 2013

Why Love Actually Matters‘, by Ben Dreyfuss for Mother Jones

Published: December 9, 2013

TL;DR: Everything that needs to be written about this film has already been written. It is over. It has been done. Goodbye.