If You Liked Knickers, The Large Cow, You’ll Love Lil’ Bill, The Tiny Cow

The world is a dumpster fire trundling ever-towards an absolutely avertable climate crisis, so to be honest it’s kinda nice that our current news cycle has become utterly – or maybe that should be udderly – invaded by one cow after the other.

Last week, the world fell head over collective heels for Knickers, an impossibly large cow whose bovine girth landed him in the meme and hot-take cycle for an impressively long time, prompting bitter challenges to both his size and, bizarrely, his cow-dom.

Now, because all things in life must have an equal opposite, a new cow has wrestled its way to the top of the 24-hour news cycle: Lil’ Bill, a “head-scratchingly” small calf.

Weighing a mere one-tenth of what calves usually weigh, Lil’ Bill is currently chilling over at a University in Mississippi, where the vets are lavishing him with attention, and, one would hope, extensive head scritches, because if anyone in this world deserves a life of constant care and affection, it’s Lil’ Bill.

Here, for the record, is what we know about Lil’ Bill: he’s really small. That’s pretty much it at this stage, as this is a developing story – the University’s vets aren’t sure whether he has a condition that explains his miniature size.

Now listen, I am not one for creating unfair and harmful divisions in the media, and there is really no reason why we can’t have two strong, independent bovines strutting their collective stuff. But I’m gonna say it right now: I’m 100% #teamLil’Bill, Knickers the cow be damned.

After all, Knickers always gave off the impression that he was willing to eat you and everyone you care about – did you see his cold, dead, unblinking eyes? –  while Lil’ Bill has a gentle, calming aura all of his own. Long may you prosper, Lil’ Bill.

Pictured: Knickers the cow, filled with murderous rage

Here’s to hoping that another cow story breaks real soon so we can all keep our minds off the other, more troubling stuff we should probably be thinking about right now.