Lest We Forget Zoo Weekly’s Beautiful Special Heartfelt Anzac Day Centenary Commemorative Issue

Published last Friday, Zoo Weekly's war-themed issue somehow survived the media storm that followed Woolworth's "Brandzac Day" mis-step last week. Probably because no one reads Zoo Weekly anymore?

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Present: Editorial director Davo, plus staff writers Robbo, Jonno, and Rambo.

Davo: So, Anzac Day Centenary. People are talking about it. Brands are into it. We gotta cash in on those Anzac Day Centenary bucks. Wrap some content around ads — facts about the diggers, a couple listicles. So: what’s on the cover?

Robbo: Easy. Chick in army-print bikini.  Army boots and hat. Waving a big gun in the air, holding a can of rations between her boobs, straddling a huge war memorial between her legs like she’s having actual sex with it. Next.

Davo: Mate. It needs to be tasteful. It’s the Centenary.

Robbo pauses, mid-erection.

Robbo: She — she’s looking serious, though.

Davo: Strip it back.

Robbo: Right. Looking serious, but the bikini is white? And instead of a gun she’s holding– she’s holding…

Rambo: She’s dressed like a sexy army nurse and she’s holding a big army needle.

Jonno: She’s dressed like a sexy peace dove and she’s holding an old army boot in her beak.

Rambo: She’s dressed as a man’s sexy army hat, and the man has died, and he died in the war. And she loved him.

Jonno: Yeah! That’s good! And she’s playing a bugle and firing a sexy gun at the war memorial!

Jonno and Rambo both get erections. But Robbo, who has been thinking quietly until now, mutters something under his breath.

Davo: What’s that?

Robbo: I said Dave’s right. It needs to be simpler. What about… a poppy.

Davo: Go on.

Robbo: A red poppy. A single red lovely sexy simple Gallipoli peace poppy. In a dove-white bikini. With a sexy but sad face. She’s sad, because of the war.

A lone, silent tear rolls slowly down the editorial director’s face, as he contemplates his own sudden but deeply respectful erection.

Davo: Mate. It’s beautiful. Rambo, go find the world’s smallest bikini. A white bikini, though. Because of the war.

All four pat their erections lovingly. Another job well done.